She called me a "neurotic psychotic"; The Story of the Fake Profile Page

Okay not that I have a DSIV book tucked neatly away beside my bed, but I was completely blank after being called "neurotic psychotic," by someone that is unable to express any forms of gratitude, appreciation, love or admiration for someone that they had been seeing for over seven months. Now when I say "seeing" I don't mean just sitting there staring off into the face of another human being I mean dating, having sexual intercourse with, sleepovers, dinners, hand holding, receiving gifts, money, etc. How could someone devote so much time to someone & not even care about them is this even humanly possible? Yet it seems to be as she has expressed no feelings of friendship, no admiring, no deep liking for won't even call unless she's called first, would spend days at a time with me yet not even care once she was out of my presence about me or my child. Any way moving forward...
So of course I took the matter to dear old friend Google, Now Neurotic is described in a way that is common and EVERYONE born to human parents has a little of this in them, it's basically the simple stress that is caused by every day life. In some people it can be as simple as a fear of public speaking, or cause a person to be stressed about bills, eating, work, their body, their health or have many different anxieties. Neurotic or better stated neurosis is NOT something that can interfere with a persons day to day living. Now being psychotic or having a psychosis is just a symptom not an actual disorder. It is however a state that impairs thought, perceptions and judgement. This again is not directed or even linked to anyone particular mental illness depending on the severity it may require therapy along with medication, (which BINGO I am not hiding the fact that when I meant her I was already on meds & under going therapy) but again this is something that the every day average person can also experience. In my case YES I made a fake profile to prove to myself one thing and one thing only that I was RIGHT!!!

In the process of creating & maintaining this fictitious profile page on a popular DATING website I was able to learn a lot about the human condition, the thought processes of some people, which I feel will lead to several blogs about this same subject. I learned a lot from people, I learned more than I really cared to learn about people too. For the most part the one person in particular I learned about was myself, I am very intelligent I used this site to gain power of my mind to tell myself it was actually a good time to exit a relationship that was one sided, that was mentally, FINANCIALLY draining to my entire life. It's not that I didn't already know this however in the battle between heart and brain the heart won out big time. I would run to this person if they needed anything, give even when I knew that when I was need that they were never there to give to me. It's also crazy because despite my financial, mental or medical situations all that would have really helped was just some comfort or support however this person didn't even find me important enough to give me those simplistic FREE things. I was always after everyone on her long list, even when she befriended someone newly I fell far behind this person whom couldn't or didn't ever do anything financially for her probably wasn't even capable of doing any such things which always left me to believe that all she could receive from her was something physical. Even the people she called friends, gave most of her time to were also people who were no where near mentally capable of spelling even basic fourth grade words let alone hold any adult conversation. Yet here is where I stayed angry for over seven months because I was in so many ways the perfect person for her however she never thought the same as I. From creating this fake account I was able to finally realize that some people will never be in the same mind space as to match with their actual biological birth dates, so this also told me that I was wasting every bit of my fucking time...not only on this female but on this fake ass page in which I had created to catch her in yet another one of her weakly formed lies.
So in all this I added that I was suffering from a neurotic episode, I had been living within a lie, a sad tear filled lie, just because I thought that I should stay some where after investing so much time, money, especially money into this relationship. Now I feel that I am a fool, but like most educations in life they cost you something, I paid a lot for what I already knew and that is that people will use you up, spit you out and think nothing of what they've done to you. No matter how much they were also fucked over by someone else, no matter how much they lost in pervious relationships, they don't mind doing it to someone else just because it was done to them. Some people just have no feelings what so ever that's how they know terms like neurotic and psychotic because they have been deemed that before by a mental health professional.

To be continued....

Taking Stock

Today I took stock, I thought about how many times I cried while I should’ve been smiling. I thought about how many times I felt like crying but couldn’t. I thought about the people I made cry and the many of those times I felt no regret until today. I thought about how many times tears were all I could manage to show because I felt so lost. I thought about all the crying I’ve yet to do. I thought about all the movies, books, stories I’ve heard that made me cry. I thought about my story and the few people that only know parts of it that cried for me. I thought about being a child crying because I wanted to be some where, any where else.

Today I took stock, on all the things my eyes had seen as a child, my ears had heard. I thought about how I’d die if my own child had ever seen, heard or lived through those things that I had. I thought about the pain I felt being a child of abuse and neglect, how lost I was with no one that cared to help me, save me, for at least a night. How many children have I tried to save? How many children have I seen living the same life in which I prayed to God to let me sleep and never wake to again? I took stock on how many broken adults I’ve meant that didn’t even live a portion of what I had. How had they become so broken? How can someone born of a married couple, raised in a loving family, raised in the suburbs be so damaged?

Today I took stock, on all the years, months, weeks, days, minutes, moments I’ve wasted spending them with people who treated me just as bad as my parents did as I was growing up. How much I’d loved them, how much I’d done for them, how much I’d sacrificed for them. Every time I’ve tried my best to make a smile come across the face of someone who cared little or nothing about my emotions or well being. Why had I done these things, for people like this? Why am I repeating this pattern of oppression? When my eyes see clearly the path unto which the road is leading, why do I keep walking it?

Today I took stock, not in what I have, had, or accomplished in my lifetime, but how much I didn’t do. For every time I was silent when I should have been talking. For every time I was talking when I should have been silent. For every time I should have been taking action yet I was inactive. For every wrong that I saw but didn’t attempt to make right, for every right I saw but didn’t attempt to complement. For the things I let go that I wasn’t ready to let go of, and the things I took so much pride in that weren’t really worth a damn. For every moment I cherished that was a lie, for every moment that I refused to cherish until it went bye.

Today I took stock, and I am left with this, I’m empty inside!!!!!!

I’m not gone cry

I’m not gone cry

“While all the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself I would stop breathing if you told me to, now you’re busy loving someone else..” As the song starts I can remember seeing the film (Waiting to Exhale) in the theater for the first time ever, it was in the old Cheltenham Mall theater. It was so crowded every seat in the place was taken, all anyone could see was a sea of woman filling the entire place. There may have been about ten or so males in there that evening. I sat in a row with about eight other females, we had all came to see this movie together. When the part in the film came on where this song (Not Gone Cry by Mary J Bliege) lowly played in the background every single female in the place started to sing this song, my entire body was covered with goose bumps as I sang the song as well. It was one of the most amazing things that I to this day have ever experienced, with lord knows how many other people, 75 or 100 who knows. But the sound of all of us sining in agreement, with feeling, the sound was just amazing. Now that several years have passed, I’ve lived more than enough experiences where I can actually understand the words, feelings, and emotions behind this song, that scene in the movie and why so many of us that night felt the need to sing this song.

“I should have left your ass long time ago, I’m not gone cry, I’m not gone cry, I’m not gone shed no tears because you’re not worth my tears. I was your lover and your secretary working every day of the week was at the job when no one else was there helping you get on your feet..” I mean even though many of us weren’t married and probably like myself still have yet to get married, this song speaks to the heart of every woman (man) hurt, putting yourself out for someone else just having them play with your heart just to leave you for another person. I mean the song talks about how easily someone can just leave you after an extended amount of time together basically without regard to the commitment in which the two of you had made to one another, or the emotional attachment. “ eleven years I’ve sacrificed and you can leave me at the drop of a dime...” This also leaves a person feeling as if the time they’ve put into a relationship was wasted in essence it may feel like that, there is no positive way to put a spin on that. However every personal experience with another human being is an opportunity to learn something that you can use later on in your lifetime. I mean life’s lessons aren’t always so easy and none messy, there is going to be difficulty, there is going to be a lot of mess to clean up, there’s going to be complications involved with them. But they aren’t for naut and if you’re a quick learner you may not have to repeat them ever again, because you would have gotten out of that relationship or situation what you needed to avoid ever being put in that place ever again.

I just only wish that people would no longer have to learn these lessons that end with so much pain, but as long as there are “assholes” in this world there is going to be pain inflicted to anyone who let’s someone into their hearts, anyone who opens up their lives and lets another person into it. Until this day there are always going to be songs written like this or movies like “Waiting To Exhale”, dedicated to the pain that so many people male and female have been through and sad to say real life doesn’t always have the movie happy endings in them either.

...a lonely walk

As much as I enjoyed the view, your touch, your time, your words I am left not where I had started but now even further behind in my goals. The view was distracting, but not mine to enjoy. The view was tempting but something many were aloud to lay eyes upon. The view was amazing, but left me looking for something that made the smile on my face an in my heart last longer than a fading glance. The view was of the devil, something that I wanted to see but that lead me away from the beauty already around me.

The touch was softer than cotton, creamier than fresh churned butter, and sweeter than a sugar cane. Within it I would've lived out my life, within it I could have died, within it I could have lost my sorrows. However within it I was lulled into a false sense of comfort and hope. Within it I found my dreams becoming nightmares, my accomplishments becoming failures, my desires becoming unfruitful. My fingers longer for such a touch, however to go deeper beyond the package I found damages unclaimed, heartache unhealed, love given away to freely, hatred for ones self and demise to the temple that God hath built to be worshiped. Within this touch I was tainted, tempted and lost, for it was just as deep as the puddle that lays upon the ground. This touch wasn't for me to rejoice in but to be pulled into and lost from my path.

The time was short, but left bitter sweet memories, of something that wasn't real but only for me to see. Time that was taken from the walk I had started long ago, losing my way was only but a distraction from the peace in which my soul had been longing. Time that can't be taken back but only consumed by the devilish thoughts that used up this space. Time that I could have saved my own self from the fortress of distress that my heart now lives in. Time that I could have used begging my God to forgive my missteps, for his guidance I still need to get pack to my walk.

Now that my focus is back, my soul is more weary than that of a young slave child. My path is that of the lonely one who lays all alone, making my way towards my goals. Alone in the night, scared of the dark, as a child forced to grow up much to fast, I look towards my path and embrace this simple task. For I am the only one who has to walk in these shoes, for my size isn't yours, nor is my destination. For one day you'll find your end is not where mine is to be, the love I had for you is as real as life to me, the time I spent was well worth the lesson learned, the devil has many distractions to come, with my eyes bound and focused I shall bypass everyone!!!

...dying smells like lemons...

..I remembered watching a Grey's Anatomy episode where an inmate who was a week or so out from being put to death came into the hospital. He caused much major drama as per the entertainment of the show. However he said he had remembered his grandfather dying and saying that it smelled like lemons. The inmate called his grandfather a liar, but after all their work saving his life he was still put to death and Meridith was there to see him die like he had asked her. He said he wanted to look out among the sea of angry faces to see one kind face, which he wanted to be hers. As they begin to inject him, he smiled and said it smelled like lemons. I hadn't remembered this until one night sitting on the toilet of all places, this had become my thinking thrown many many years ago. When I sniffed the air it was strong with a scent unmistakably of lemons...being the person I am surrounded at times by many, but not often felt like those were really o concerned with the true me. I have/had no one to share this with, the fact that I smelled this citrus like smell despite not having anything of the scent around especially not in the bathroom. I begin to tell those that I loved, I love you more often, I tried to have more patience, I tried to complete more tasks, I tried to mend more relationships, I tried to make sure my place was often clean.

But how could I ever explain that I felt my time of death was nearing? I mean it's simply the smell of lemons, I would surely be committed to some crazy home. But instead I kept it to myself, I couldn't explain the peace that the smell brought to me, even though it was with the knowledge of such a horrible fate that lay ahead for me. But it filled my body with such an abundance of peace and comfort. I tell the person that I fought with the of my love the most because for she and my daughter were those who I felt always received the brunt of my frustration and impatience with life. So as I kiss my child on the forehead I mentioned to her how much I love her. But as for her, the woman I love she told me to stop proclaiming my feelings for she was tired of hearing those words. As I prepare myself for my nightly slumber I am surely unaware if I will be blessed with an awakening in the morning, but alas the last thing she will remember is telling me to stop!

So as I lay here, sniffing the smell of lemons, feeling the great peace and comfort I can only hope that I live another day to NOT tell her that I love her, and that she will never regret telling me to stop......

A Home at The End of The World

Another gem I ran into on Friday night was this movie with beautiful Colin Farrell playing alongside of Robin Wright, Dallas Roberts and Sissy Spacek. Another LGBT movie I had never even heard of but was surprised to find out that I really really enjoyed this film. Despite the fact that it’s something to be watched with someone to cuddle with (which we know I have NOT) or a good snack and a box of kleenex. It starts from the childhood of the character of Colin Farrell as a child living with his family brother, father and mother. He lives through a very sad and tragic childhood only to end up with one of the most amazing families of one of his male friends. He finds a lovely connection with his friend’s mother played by a beautiful Sissy Spacek who’s own childlike qualities brings out the most amazing side of her.

The two friends separate for sometime than end up reuniting and creating another family bound and connection with one another. Set in Cleveland Ohio than moving to New York City, this film just keeps sucking you in with every move. Many of the few sex scenes for some reason just turned me on.....but that’s for another day. This film was much different than any of the others I've seen but also reminded me a lot of the film entitled Threesome with the two males and female college students sharing a suit together. The love triangle also is very much simiilar as well. However much of the tragedy is a lot deeper, sadder and much more compelling than in the light hearted film Threesome.

Again I have yet to have my faith restored in the fact that I will ever find true, happy or SANE love living this LGBT life. This film also was a tear jerker, it just tugged at my heart and left my pillow wet for the evening, and no that’s not in a good way. "A Home at The End of The World" was well worth my time, however it’s not the happy go lucky love story that I was looking for. This just goes to show me that living the LYFE isn’t one that is very easy. Despite the fact that many try to pretend to be hardcore into this life, I also see why so many people try to leave open that door to always be able to jump back out when things get a little hot. But for those of us who can’t (not for lack of trying) but because we soon rather eat elephant shit than live a life of lies or add extra misery to our lives by trying to be something that we weren’t made to be. Maybe film makers and writers that are LGBT just write about that in which they see, hear of live this is just the pure lives of what we all must deal with.

As I look back over my past relationships I just don’t understand, there was nothing I could’ve done better, or changed except the decisions of being with the people I decided to be with. I have never tried to be someone I wasn’t unless I was trying to be someone that didn’t care, or someone that was more aggressive than I actually am. I have finally stopped trying to beat myself to death for all those that I opened up to or joined into my life, I know now that I am not the only broken person out there, but in my case one of the only ones able to admit that fact. So I am living every day to tape, glue, or staple things back to where they should be. That’s all that matters in life is that we all claim our own shit and decide to do something about making it either go away or at least smell better.

Thanks for reading and as always be real with yourself, than be real to others. The world would be such a better place if we all just were a lot more honest......

I found out on FACEBOOK

....Now Now facebook truly is the place where you can find out some things you'd never imagined and NO I am not talking about my recent fucking heart killing moment when I realized the woman that I was falling in love with all over again had been not only lying about being in a relationship with someone else but basically said that I ain't shit NEVER was shit and NEVER will be shit without her because...my apartment, car, 35 years of living had all been taken care of by her. AND even with this information I was still loving me some her willing to just move it along because God knows I need more people around me that belittle, or just outright hate that I breath air---->>> Life hurts! However moving right along, my BLOCK list on facebook is growing ever so long. I think that it's the best feature in the WORLD and EVERY social networking site should have it especially @TWITTER *hint hint* !! For those that don't know anyone and everyone on facebook has a button that it's called BLOCK is on the left hand side of the page several inches below their profile picture. This lovely feature let's you make someone disappear from your life all together, only if life had one also @God.... Any way you can have the same friends even, you can even reply to the same status posts and everything, they can't read what you type and you can't read what they type, they can never search you to find your page because it won't come up as long as their logged onto the page you blocked them from. Found out about this feature the hard way also, thanks hurt & pain for being there for a sister.

I was friends with an ex despite the fact that I had known she made up many of her stories, (because they made no sense what so ever also because the dates were always off exp. she claims to have been "common law" married to a man for 8 years until she was 22 years old 22-8=14 however when I meant her she was about 23 and had been with her girlfriend for 2 years, plus my ex and her were dealing with the same dude she claimed to be in love with him and that he was moving from Baltimore to Chicago to marry her, however he says he never meant her in person and that they were just Internet friends) Okay back to the story, I knew she was a lame, always seeking out the next girlfriend secretly dealing with males, however she would get hurt by these people, lose her job, her home all types of things while in between relationships. She always called me sad, lonely, broke, I had even went as far has buying her a plane ticket from Chicago to Philadelphia, knowing she was broke, fed her, entertained her the entire week she was here. When she got her job with Chase Bank she went through a few girlfriends and was always arguing with them, however she had promised me a paid for flight out there to Chicago. But with all that going on, at her end there never was any good time to come so she never made good on her promise. Well recently she did it again made all these promises, after getting another job a few months ago along with some chicken head girl she stopped calling, started spending money, taking trips and all. SO I the original wimp, decided that I had, had enough, I had posted a status directed at her but quickly removed it than emailed it to her directly. I told her I was done with her always calling me in need of money, help, a listening hear, and making all these promises only to break them one by one. Within a few moments she not only blocked all her numbers were deleted, the explanation was clear plain and straight to the point.

Now as for a someone I thought of as a friend in spite of the fact she'd "place me on time out" because she would say she didn't like my attitude. Now I was told once a long time ago to leave her crazy ass alone, than my most recent ex said to me "who the fuck does she think she is? I mean to put a grown as woman on time out, she complains about her life, family and relationship more than you do I wouldn't fucking be friends with her ass!" However since this information was coming from someone that let people she called friend make her cry, leave her high and dry or in a few cases drunk in the ghetto of Philly, I took it in one ear and out the other I've always known that no one is perfect and that's usually how I accept people, hence why I am always giving several chances for people to abuse the fuck outta me! Any way this one day I called her she decided to scream and holler about me much of what she said was totally not true however I sat listening to her scream because I was respectful of the fact that I considered her a friend even though all her actions over the last fifteen years YES 15 years had always shown she was selfish, always about herself, always on a power trip, always negative about her own sister's and father, yet when I tried to talk I was always over talked by her given her entire life drama. Which made this conversation so amazing to me, because she claimed I was always in a woe is me state always posting about everything negative to go on in my life. . . . .when I simply tried to ask her to name ONE or TWO negative things in my life that I was going through she couldn't even do so. . . .but continued on with her ranting. I listened she said barely anything that made sense to me, and she clearly spoke on things that could be checked for reference, my facebook stats, a friend and I both scrolled back over the months nothing.....this friend was even more drawn a blank that I was. Than she said I complained about my life, yet she couldn't state any lists of things that I had called her to speak about, also since all my calls are via a cellphone there aren't even many records of me even calling her much over the past few months let alone years. She's since been blocked, numbers deleted, everything done for good this time around.

So what I've learned is that there is a lot to learn from facebook, people are a lot of things however you never really know their "real" intentions until you read something from their inner minds. Whether it's a post, a comment, a link they add all these things tell you what a person is about, what they are interested in, what their political views are even if they don't fill out that part on their profile some point of view or another will pop out. I found out another high school friend is a racist, but probably didn't even know it, however black people eating chicken jokes aren't actually the most politically correct comments have on your page and this was a full blown conversation that happened on her page more than once even. Look it's easy to get quick sound bites into a person's mind via twitter or over a chat line, but facebook is where people seem to always fuck up, let out to much of their feelings towards something than end up losing a real life friend. My block list in long but there's no telling how long it'll get over a lifetime. . . . . .

See my life....

If I were a human camera, my eyes the lenses, my brain holds the sensor, my hands hold the pen which writes down the images, and life is the subject. I have been so many places, not as in reference to distance traveled, but emotions, situations, and circumstances. I've been lost, lonely, loved, lied to, hated, hurt, hindered, inspired, homeless, poor, beaten, abused, misled, sick, healed, blessed, the list could go on and on. The options haven't been many, the resources haven't been great but the ride has been something worth sharing.....so I write!

I can't take those images stored in my head, heart or soul and clearly print them out for all to see. But I can write what they looked, felt, and even smelled like. I can give you something on the same paper in which hold photos of some of the world's greatest events to ever take place, or some of the worst places to have ever been. I can place you right there with me, feeling the feelings I've felt, knowing the knowledge I know, being where I have already been. With the words on the paper I can out do Norman Rockwell any day, I can make the thousand words of a picture become the hundred thousand words of an actual experience. I can bring worlds together, I can tear them apart, I heal your pain or give you immense sadness. With the images I bring forth from my human camera you can see what I've got inside myself, you can feel what I've felt, you can experience my pain, laugh at my joy, embrace my experiences.

If once we would all take the time to become human cameras and write down the visions of where we've been, done, or seen, the world would have more understanding. If more understanding is brought fourth than so can more compassion, sympathy and concern. No longer would we all be blind to the places one another has been, the life we've lived or the things we've seen.

To be continued.......

Stop the CHASE baby it'll come to you.......

In the past few months I have been there....my feelings have been hurt people I thought were my friends showed their TRUE colors, I have been broke, sad, hungry, scared, lonely, in pain, depressed, lost, found, misunderstood, used, abused, lied to, misrepresented, tested, tried, drained, I mean the list could go on and on. However I am NOT alone others have been going through with their own issues many handle things in different ways. But I watch "HER" and no "HER" isn't code for my recent ex or anything however "HER" is more than one person. It's a few woman that have been or are in my life at this time. I have been watching them chase the NEXT one as if their lives would be lost if they were forced to be single for more than a month or hell in one's case for more than a damn WEEK. I mean track shoes on chasing the next girlfriend, wife, relationship, or in many of their cases the next ex that they can bitch and moan about being such a horrible person.

I mean I understand lonely, I understand single trust me do I understand single she's my friend. What I don't understand in the lack of willingness of individuals to seek out change within themselves. I mean when you break up with someone that you "really" loved and cared for, how can you just simply move right onto the next victim with all the baggage that carried over from all the issues in which you recently dwelt with in that past relationship. I do understand that many people MANY don't even know what the hell the word "love" means and are just recklessly using it on random people hoping, seeking that they aren't ever called out on that bullshit! I mean come on if there were so many people in "love" than there wouldn't be so many people getting in and out of relationships like they get in and out of their underwear.

Bad enough their jumping from relationship to relationship, and not taking care of their core emotional issues, their also creating a situation in their lives that isn't really the best look for them in the long run. For example who wants to date someone that's been through more woman than Tampax? I mean once your been from her to her to her, what's going to happen when you finally find "HER"? Well there's going to be a problem are you really going to tell "HER" about the hundred or so other woman you've told that you loved, or that you've opened your legs to? Not to mention for these Dyke a day chicks, a dyke one day and a dick the next! I mean you're probably going to lie, or lie by omitting the many many many people of your past. I mean who really wants to settle down with the local whore? Who wants to proudly walk around down with the one woman that every ones had on their arm? So maybe you leave out a few woman, however what do you do about those people you've already been through? How do you get them to disappear, or forget that they too have test driven you? I've also been with her, that one that's been with so many people that she left out every single relationship she's ever had only for her closet to open and the bones to start spilling out right in front of me. So not only are you a hoe but a liar too, what a wonderful package, this here is my life living as a single lesbian, every woman I seem to meet, deal with or dwelt with has been going around like the local meals on wheels delivery person giving out a bit here and there, than of course lying by omission.

So as I watch "her" chasing the next ex, I feel like I am NEVER going to be in a relationship ever again, because here I am working so hard on me, every day a change is coming, every day work is being put in every therapy appointment, every step towards bettering myself is a step away from many of the "hers" out there that are still chasing someone. Instead of chasing betterment in their own lives, instead of chasing a change in how they see or experience the world around themselves. So I awaken and bless each day with the newness that is me.....and for now I'll do that all alone just wish I wasn't going through this on my own!!!!

My world is changing. . . .

I read the text she sent me it read: "I'm a user and ur the one who couldn't make it without me" this is what she texted to me after four years of her saying she loved me and mine. This doesn't bother me, I knew for a long time that "she" was a sad sick individual I mean even the woman she lives with has been a victim to her mean words despite the fact that this woman doesn't even know of the words that have been spoken behind her back about her and her children....children, I couldn't imagine the fact that someone hates not me but a child enough to slander them than to live with them afterwards. I have been struggling with a lot of things but I don't think that I can't "make it" without anyone whatever that means to her little mind I'll never know nor care to know. I just know that my world is changing, I used to be so happy I mean Happy inside just glowing from some where deep inside myself. But for sometime my insides have been so sad, have been crying and I don't even know what to do. I am surviving financially things happen and I've gone without somethings this doesn't bother me, because me and my child have been maintaining everything as best we can without complaint, without boredom without losing anything. It has been wonderful actually I've never in my life lived without cable television yet I've been living without any television at all for the past few weeks. It's been awesome actually, I've seen more new movies, and watched more series of shows that I've always wanted to see but never did even with cable an the on demand feature right at my finger tips. It's been amazing to say the least, but before this the sadness crept into my insides. It's still remains and I don't know how to get rid of it. I know I miss the way things used to be in my life with "her" around, but knowing that everything she said or did was all fake, for her amusement and all planned out until she found another place to lay claim on, another person to victimize.

I just can't help but feel like I was such a fool, I mean the signs that things weren't right with "her" were always there, something always pulled on me telling me to let go move on, get away yet I stayed. I think maybe this is where the great sadness comes from, I feel like a fool. A person with charge over another's life like that of a parent really can't afford to be a fool for anything or anyone. Maybe this guilt I feel is the route of everything? Yet I have been a fool in this way before, sad to say I've been used before by someone calling themselves a friend, a lover, a girlfriend. . . . . and I've never held this much pain afterwards I mean well there was that one ex that had me in therapy for a few years but that was just different, or was it?

I feel like I'm closer to God now I have so more time to think about things, I've changed in some ways. . . . but yet I feel like I've been given this lot in life that causes me to forever be without the graces, mercies and blessings that God usually bestows upon those closest to him. (I use him as just a term of reference) I listen a lot more, I think a lot more, I step away from things that had often drew me in with their appeal, like electronics, television, the telephone and sex......sex something I feel like I'll never ever do ever again, yet I don't even mind living without. I mean it's not like I even long to see television or have sex, or even talk to anyone on the phone. I mean I feel as if I don't have a friend in this world, I feel no great connection to anyone but my child. I don't miss anyone, nor to I feel like I want to hear any one's voice especially now that I've been going through so much, without even a call from anyone. I mean damn how could I have lived for thirty-five years and not even have one real fucking friend? I mean damn not one person even cares to come and see if I've even been alive or well, or clothed and in my right mind. Who the fuck lives like this? All that I've done for people? All that I've given of myself to others? Yet no one even cares for me? Maybe that's why my insides cry, maybe the thought of being so alone makes me feel so deeply saddened that I can't bare to smile at times. I don't know.

My minds boggled, I can't figure things out at times and this is one of them. . . . .

Death of an entire culture; The Black family

Mommy and daddy in the home together, dressing in slacks and button down shirts to go to school, no bad words, chores a must, respect for adults neighbors and everyone, God, school and family. There were daddies working hard to bring home the money to take care of their wives and children. People were getting married instead of making babies, having baby mommas, or baby daddies! Children knew their fathers, people knew their grand mommas on both sides of their families. Children weren't so overweight, rude, uneducated, wild, uncontrolled, sneaky, lost as they are now in 2010. The Black family stuck together not only with each other but with other Black families, respect for one another was the rule. Love for race, life and the Lord were always first and upfront.

Now babies don't know who their daddies are, the saddest part is many don't know where their mommas are either. Children run the streets at all hours of the night, parents don't know where they are or what their even into, children curse at very young ages because no one has told them any better or their parents think it's funny or cute. Education is poor, parents don't bother to teach outside of school, parents don't bother to even get involved and go into the school. Black children don't know the joys of many things that their white counter parts, swimming lessons, cheer leading, gymnastics, playing musical instruments, time spent away from the front of the television. I mean yes there are those rare few that have wonderful fathers in their lives, but these fathers are always being hit with the hatred that many woman feel for their absent ass fathers or babies daddies. So much that it's become a social norm for males to be bashed by woman and nothing much else thought of those who have done their jobs, stayed around and loved, raised and cared for their seeds.

The Black family is dying and dying quickly, there are many sites on the net, agencies and groups out there that are fighting to get fathers to be in their children's lives. Money that could be used or redirected else where is people would just do what they used to do, back in the 60s and 70s just take care of their children. Black people get your boys off of the corners to hang out and get them into programs, jobs, volunteering to help out in their communities. Give your children extra lessons teach them what the public schools won't and that is about being BLACK, proud and about their true history NO WE ARE NOT AND WERE NOT SLAVES we were ENSLAVED we did not choose to be slaves here in this country, we do not choose to be the bottom of the barrel in fields like science, math, spelling we didn't choose to be followed by the police every time we get behind the wheel of a car, we do not choose to be followed every time we enter a damn store. Teach them that if you act and conduct yourself in a manner that is respectful than you have the right to bitch and moan about how poorly your treated. Educate them on how much evil, murder and hatred have been plunged upon other races of people in the history of the world. Teach your children to stop being so damn fresh and trying to fuck one another before they even get out of the 3rd damn grade. Be a stronger force in your Black male son's heads than those looser ass friends that they run with. Woman teach your daughters to stop letting their bodies hanging out, cover their asses and read a damn book instead of shaking their asses outside in front of the entire neighborhood. Black people stop crying over the hand you've been given put down the damn weed, beer, and other drugs and get high off of being a great parent, or get high off of empowering your race, your community, or the fact that your making your ancestors proud that they walked miles for you, were beaten for you, were murdered for you, were wet with fire hoses for you. Make your mark become the strong proud people that were once feared for their strength, bonds, education, restraint, power, become a proud people again instead of the dying breed you've already started to become.

Looking in MY mirror. . . . . .

. . . .sometimes I wonder what's life all about. I mean yes we're born many born into misery, abuse, neglect, poverty, fighting, very few with silver spoons and picture perfect homes, mommy and daddy and every ones so damned happy. Many are like myself living in spite of, surviving in spite of. . . . however when does the past fade away and provide the fruits of our struggles? When does the booty come to those victorious to survive the unthinkable? I mean rarely there is a child born to adhere to the fists in the face, the forcing of having to drink alcohol instead of being given medicine for their colds, the stench of having to eat up ones own vomit........when will I be able to say that I've survived and arrived to receive the reward of my long fought battle called childhood? I've learned so many things, I've felt so much pain, but when I look into the mirror all I see is sad eyes, all I feel inside is alone. No one looks into these eyes and sees what I see when I look at them, maybe every now and than I may receive a "are you alright?" easily people become distracted not really caring about my reply, I usually answer that I'm fine, the very few times that I've answered with a "no" the seeker usually stares blankly leaving the words to fall on the ground.

Does anyone really care about anyone else? I mean we just float along in this life passing one another once in a while exchanging niceties, maybe attending each others functions, a birthday party here a wedding shower there, maybe a funeral in between. But when we're looking into our mirrors is it just US that we're concerned with all along? Is it something wrong with people that look into their mirrors and think of others, I mean deeply immensely think of how someone else may be doing, feeling. or living? What is it that one does when their sad eyes are only made happy from knowing that another has smiled today? What is it that lives inside a sad soul? What is it that awakes to a sad life daily? What is it that causes the mind to be so confused sometimes? So much confused that it can't find happy any more, so much that it can't find a positive thing within the everyday living?

Fuck it maybe I just need a new mirror.......I'll try that and see how things work out for me, with time everything must be replaced!!!

How different is Westboro Baptist Church from the Catholic Church??

The infamous hateful church of operating under as an independent Baptist church out of Topeka, Kansas with the name Westboro Baptist Church, which is really actually a hateful racist family of about a hundred people or so seems much to me like that of the Catholic Church. Despite the fact that there are no written statements of racism among those operating the church, only racism can be seen from some of the acts in which the Catholic Church performs. Such as in many of the areas where African American, or Hispanics send their children to Catholic schools the monies collected from the families for their children's education the funds are usually sent to the suburban schools to help towards their buildings and other needed expenses. Than when it comes time to close schools do to lack of funding they usually close schools in the Black or Hispanic communities first despite the fact that their enrollment is still strong. In the past few months the Catholic church closed a program feeding the homeless because the organization in which was the actual facility in which those individuals would receive their meals didn't protest strong enough against same sex marriages. Even though those homeless have nothing to do with gay marriage they will go without food because of the angry evil Catholic Church. In many ways they seem to have the belief and feelings of those of the Westboro Baptist church. Members of the Westboro Church protest outside of funerals of American soldiers, where as of course many Catholics wouldn't actually believe in being so extreme however there is very little difference in stopping a food program for the needy because of gay marriage beliefs of a third party organizations intuitiveness. The Westboro Church is in many ways hurting the minds and futures of the young children in which are members. The same goes for the many children that have been molested over the hundreds of years during the rampage of pedophilia running wild among the priests operating within the Catholic Church. There are several hundred reported cases however there could be an unknown number of unreported cases do to the fact that many of the victims probably are embarrassed about sharing what has happened to them, or traumatized more than they even know and have suppressed the incidents. The Catholic Church has provided a place for these child molesters to hide and to continue to perform their acts on new helpless victims. Yet the Catholic Church continues to focus on the fight against homosexuality. With all the ills in the world it is amazing that members of the Catholic Church feel comfortable continuing to be members of this organization. Among these acts of hatred that BOTH organizations seem to hold so dearly the Catholic Church still holds woman back from being anything more than just nuns. The Catholic Church also fights to have sexual education withheld from students despite the fact that this is the deadliest era for sexually transmitted diseases that can not be cured and ultimately can lead to death. Sexual education is never the less EDUCATION and the fact that the church wants to treat education as if this is some third world is extremely sad, so if the church is fighting sexual education that it's no doubt that it's teaching it's members to NOT teach sexuality to their own children, which again is leading to something horrible. Many people probably don't see the link to teaching sexual education to children and these same children falling victim to molestation at that hands of their own family priest. If many members of the Catholic Church treat sex and sexuality as something to be hidden than this may lead to future incidents of continuing molestation because many of the children may not even know that what is or has happened to them is or was wrong. For now though the Westboro Baptist Church claims to have placed the Catholic Church on it's list of people in which they hate as well, along with the United States, Ireland, Italy, Jews, Hindus, Islam, Blacks, Hispanics and many other races. For now the best way to handle the WestboroBaptist Church, however the Catholic church is hard to ignore because they continue to use their money, members and programs to interfere with every ones every day life. If their not spreading hate of miseducation of the bible, Christ, his mother Mary than they are using their members hard earned money to spend thousands upon thousands of dollars to spread their hatred for homosexuals, minority groups or they use the funds to move child molesters to a new church to hide them or provide them with fresh victims, or their spending the funds to provide legal assistance to these priests. The fact that education is fundamental, yet millions of people continue to provide support to any HATE group that operates under the name of God or Christ is actually very very sad. One day maybe we'll all be able to witness the fall of these evil hateful groups or clans and than people can truly focus on doing good for God's people and stop focusing on the things that are taking places in people's beds.

My version of What would YOU do? entitled Why the hell ain't YOU doing anything?

I read things all the time on these social networking sites, rarely do I come across someone that doesn't toot their own horn, or indulge in their own narcissistic ways. I mean people can easily add the title "advocate" to their resumes if they would only get off their asses and do something. Often times I write about things that concern me or are dear to my heart and a lot of times I get this militant title slapped on me by a cousin or people either post in reply to me "calm down", as if standing for something means your upset?? I don't understand the lack of action in people, and more and more it seems to be the lack of action within people of color which truly concerns me.

Of course the now popular show What would you do? which grew out of what used to be a small segment on Dateline has now birthed it's own show which airs every Friday @ 9 pm est. For those in a cave the show has little scenarios that are played out with actors portraying some sort of skit where something is taking place that is usually very wrong, and they are trying to get the reaction out of the people in the general public to see exactly what THEY would do! However I am more or less wondering WHY THE HELL AIN'T ANYONE DOING ANYTHING? I mean I have thought of making this into a show however I feel people would ignore it just as they do with the causes they see in everyday life. I mean perfect example I was driving to a doctor's appointment one day, I drove past several children who were attending a catholic school, now to me I know they wear uniforms and the girls are always forced to wear those skirts, however every skirt I saw was short, shorter or shortest. Now I'm not Catholic any longer however the question that flashed across my mind was, isn't there anyone looking at the length of these young ladies skirts, I mean besides the pedophiles is there anyone at the school taking notice of the girl's short skirts. Now if I were to post this on a social website as a concern I'd get about five to ten responses none even seriously seeing an issue with this more with just jokes about it. Now of course I picked an example which is very small and barely concerns anyone. However let's talk about adoption my favorite subject, adoption needs to be made legal for every adult even those in the LGBT community that's a cause I can't ignore at all to me it's my passion. However many people don't seem to think anything of this, many posts go ignored, even the video I made went without comment from over four hundred people. So I decided to scroll through some people's pages to see exactly what links they posted, what was on their mind and what they seemed to care about. After a few pages I was sicken to find post after post of party over here, party over there, oh yeah and party there too! WTF!!??? I mean are these people serious, nothing concerns anyone enough to want to share it with others? I mean today there are so many things happening in the world I find it hard to believe not one thing interests people enough to write something about it? So if their not writing about it, chances are they aren't doing anything else about it. I mean it simply takes a few seconds to throw in a few letters saying how you feel about a particular subject. I mean anything from the oil leaking out in the ocean, to the fact that there's more fighting in Africa, to the bloodshed in Jamaica trying to get this drug dealer sent the United States, to the fact a man crushed his babies skull the other day. Come on and I'm not talking about the bullshit conquests that you see entertainers making like who won Dancing with the stars, or who's the next American Idol, I mean something seriously worth our concerns?!!?

When was the last time something ever happened to outrage someone enough for them to take notice? Some people seem like complete droids, concerned with nothing but what is right on their laps. I mean people may laugh, or make silly comments about a person standing on a street corner with a sign protesting something, but when was the last time you saw something like that? Is today's society just filled with people who stand for nothing but free before 10, or open bar? Where is the fire, the concern the effort in making a phone call to your congressperson or writing a letter and placing a 44 cent stamp on it and actually mailing it off to someone to let them know of your concern, your thoughts or your outrage?

What ever is happening to people that they have to wait for someone to put a fire under them in order to do something, in order to just take up a cause and passionately fight for it, something besides their own lives. I mean isn't the world bigger than just one person? When was the last time something got better without anyone doing anything about it? Seriously if you got a cut on your body and it was bleeding would you just leave it alone thinking oh it'll stop soon enough? I don't understand people today more and more I am feeling like an alien, I am made to feel as if I've done something bad if I post things in response to someone that shows any bit of originality, I am called angry if I post things about race, or the mistreatment of people of color, I am always wondering why no one is ever concerned with anything besides something having to do with the benefit of their own lives. I cringe to see what the world will become in the years ahead with people having their heads up their asses and not doing a thing about anything worth a damn!!

feeling, doing and needing

Sad, Lonely, Lost, Stressed, Used, Abused, Forgotten, Neglected, Unwanted, Unloved, Drained, Sick, Crazy, Ugly, Fat, Hopeless, Useless, Friendless, old, Ignored and Hated.

Crying, thinking, looking, hoping, waiting, wishing, searching, remembering, seeking, sulking, praying, medicating, meditating, needing and wanting.

Love, friendships, support, understanding, listening, hugging, peace, change, hope, strength, relocation, sleep, comfort, joy, happiness, vacation, blessings, reaping and health.

Reminder to all who need a blessing...

Reminder to all who need a blessing...

We try not to take God's blessings for granted and give thanks to Him each day for all blessings that we receive. Yet, being human, sometimes we forget about the little blessings that are truly monumental, when compared to those who have them not. Just now, I was blessed again to be included as a recipient of such a beautiful message. Amen to each and every word.So, I am passing this on to each of you so that you may be reminded that you are truly blessed.

If you woke up this morning
with more health than illness,
you are more blessed than the
million who won't survive the week.

If you have never experienced
the danger of battle,
the loneliness of imprisonment,
the agony of torture or
the pangs of starvation,
you are ahead of 20 million people
around the world.

If you attend a church meeting
without fear of harassment,
arrest, torture, or death,
you are more blessed than almost
three billion people in the world.

If you have food in your refrigerator,
clothes on your back, a roof over
your head and a place to sleep,
you are richer than 75% of this world.

If you have money in the bank,
in your wallet, and spare change
in a dish someplace, you are among
the top 8% of the world's wealthy.

If your parents are still married and alive,
you are very rare,
especially in the United States.

If you hold up your head with a smile
on your face and are truly thankful,
you are blessed because the majority can,
but most do not.

If you can hold someone's hand, hug them
or even touch them on the shoulder,
you are blessed because you can
offer God's healing touch.

If you can read this message,
you are more blessed than over
two billion people in the world
that cannot read anything at all.

You are so blessed in ways
you may never even know.

Reposted VIA

http://www.lightparty.com/Spirituality/BlessingsToYou.html

Teasing; Well mommy calls people mean names!

The continuing fall of modern society, man kind for many years has been falling from God's grace. Now times are worse than ever before, I was going to write about Black people and how they are becoming so ignorant while raising a generation of children twice as ignorant as they are. However I decided to include all races of people in this one, because people no matter what their color are really becoming evil. Today I heard, read, and was victim to this and so was my daughter. A white male child called her a "Bitch" today after he said he wanted to "bing, bang, boom in the bed with another little girl." I was reading a status of someone on Facebook where a grown woman was talking about fat people, her and her stupid "adult" friends began by saying "ALL FAT PEOPLE ARE UNHEALTHY". So I questioned how the hell this woman could know each and every fat person on the face of this earth and know that they were all unhealthy. Than I asked her to google what fat was and what deemed someone to be "fat" and someone else not to be. However she didn't but she continued by calling me names by looking at my picture which I have posted on Facebook, she called me names for actually several posts. I was ALMOST pulled into a match of wits with her however I know she had known so I decided to just end it as well as unfollow the female who was just a friend of my cousin's and was always posting stupid shit that made me think she was an ass to begin with.

Now all this has me thinking that people are out there fucking for lack of a better word because many aren't making love, any way their fucking, their making babies BUT their not doing things like going to college, graduating high school, continuing their education beyond college, reading books (besides sex novels & garbage), going to church, volunteering to make a change for something or someone. Than these people are having these children than teaching them. . . . .well nothing because they have really learned NOTHING in their own lives. So we are ending up with children that curse at adults, call other children bitches, fight all the time, stay outside all night long, do nothing in school, fail to grow into mature people. I mean how can they be lead in the right direction when their own parents aren't going any where?? This made me sad, this really upset me much more than it should, it's not about this stranger calling me fat or the little boy in the school yard, even though I am pissed about that little boy saying anything to my child. I am more concerned with the fact that this is the way in which life seems to be heading, the world as we know it is becoming a living HELL!! I mean are we no longer safe in this days society, from the losers in which are breeding faster than those that are more educated can handle. I mean seriously I was watching a White woman at the bus stop trying to get her two boys to stop running all around, she wasn't doing very well she just stood there smoking and screaming at them. While they ran, said bad words and bothered others while they waited for the bus, I was sitting in my car and one of the boys even ran over almost touching my car while running from his mother. Than as she called him three Black children walked passed called his name as to mock his mother, than told the boy to keep running as they laughed. I mean where the hell is the respect?? What ever happened to the day when children got popped for their behavior? Better yet what happened to the day when ADULTS acted like good examples for their children to model? As this "adult" posted these names on Facebook about me I wondered were her children in bed, were they read to tonight, did she pray with them, did she do their homework with them, did she talk to them about their day at school, did she teach them anything today? I wonder if she was proud of herself for calling someone whom she didn't even know names. I wondered if this was something she did every day, but what good had she done today? What did she do to teach a child today? It's really getting sad, I guess Obama should just build more jails and lighten the gun laws because the animals are running wild, it seems that their complacent in their ignorance, their settling for low ceilings, dirty neighborhoods, substandard educations, raunchy neighbors, and stupid, ignorant children that are growing into stupid ignorant adults!!!

God's made so much beauty in this world,

Everyone should open their eyes, stop looking at the bullshit, the media, the arguing, drama, pop culture, bullshit ass celebs & what their dumb asses are doing, or how their wasting the money while the beauty just dies in front of their eyes. We need to look outside of ourselves, turn off the radio, the tv, the computer, the cellphones, the ipods, the Wii and just go outside and see the world. There is so much beauty that we our missing out on!!! Thank God for giving us so much beauty, I'd love to leave my life and just drive around the country to see our world.

Segments of REAL suicide letters; A look into the human mind

Married Female, age 59 Dear David, After six weeks of streptomycin shots and a total of eleven weeks of rest in bed we have conclusive proof that the ulcers in my bronchial tubes have not healed. The short period of the streptomycin inhalations could not have brought on the results if the ulceration had even partially healed. To try further would mean many more months of bed rest -- more shots and inhalations -- I can't remain at the hospital for the winter months and a prolonged stay at a rest home is out of the question. I did some figuring -- the weekly rate there -- the amount of streptomycin for shots and inhalations plus the doctor's weekly visits would total to over $200 a week -- I can't bleed my family for any such amount of money, and that means that as soon as the money I have in my checking account runs out I would have to return home -- back to the same conditions which caused me to go downhill so steadily. It's a vicious circle from which there seems no escape. I could of course use up the money from the sale of our furnishings and silver as well as some I put aside for the furnishing of our home -- but all it put together would be like a drop ion the bucket -- besides I am now convinced that my condition is too chronic and therefore a cure doubtful. All of a sudden all will and determination to fight on has left me. I have long ago prepared myself for the time when I reached the end of the trail. I feel calm and at peace and grateful that I can go to sleep painlessly. I feel justified in terminating a life which no longer holds any hope of having the essentials which make it worth living -- I did desperately want to get well -- I still had much to live for -- hope for recovery -- hope of a reunion with the children -- work which I loved and which could have given me financial security and great satisfaction. But it was not to be -- I am defeated and exhausted physically and emotionally. Please tell the children that I loved them always and that my love has never faltered. I grieve that I could not have had the joy of being close to our babies, but that is no one's fault. Thank God they are well -- with my passing all menace to their wellbeing will have disappeared. I want you to know that I have a deep affection for you. I am deeply grateful for all your kindness. I wish I could have made a happier life for you. It was mostly my fault, please forgive me. Please write to Fran and Tony and to Marilyn and Jim and tell them that my love and gratitude could not possibly be put into words. Their generosity, devotion, love and tact made it possible for me to accept their financial help over a long period of time. I wish with all my heart that they might have been better rewarded -- All of you, my dear ones, I ask to keep my memory alive in your hearts -- To live on in the hearts of our dear ones is all that I can conceive of immortality. Please think of me kindly. Remember that which was good and lovely in our relationship and forgive me for the many mistakes I have made. Now that it is all said I feel at peace. I want Dr. B. to officiate at my funeral. I think Joe would like to have him with him at that time. Dear David, I am said that I must go just a few days before your birthday -- but it so happened to pan out. I see no good in incurring the expense and misery of the bronchoscopy. I wish I could spare you the ordeal you have ahead. Try not to grieve. I ask all of you, my dear ones, not to mourn my passing. Be glad I am at least free from the misery of the bronchoscopy. I wish I could spare you the ordeal you have ahead. Try not to grieve. I ask all of you, my dear ones, not to mourn my passing. Be glad I am at least free from the miseries and loneliness I have endured for so long and that at last I'll have peace and rest...

Single female, age 21 My dearest Andrew, It seems as if I have been spending all my life apologizing to you for things that happened whether they were my fault or not. I am enclosing your pin because I want you to think of what you took from me every time you see it. I don't want you to think I would kill myself over you because you're not worth any emotion at all. It is what you cost me that hurts and nothing can replace it. Single male, age 51 Sunday 4:45 PM. Here goes To who it may concern Though I am about to kick the bucket I am as happy as ever. I am tired of this life so am going over to see the other side. Good luck to all. Benjamin P. Married male, age 48 Elaine, Darling, My mind -- always warped and twisted -- has reached the point where I can wait no longer -- I don't dare wait longer -- until there is the final twist and it snaps and I spend the rest of my life in some state run snake pit. I am going out -- and I hope it is out -- Nirvanha, I think the Bhudaists (how do you spell Bhudaists?) call it which is the word for "nothing." That's as I have told you for years, is what I want. Imagine God playing a dirty trick on me like another life!!! I've lived 47 years -- there aren't 47 days I would live over again if I could avoid it. Let us, for a moment be sensible. I do ont remember if the partnership agreement provides for a case like this -- but if it doesn't and I think it doesn't, I would much prefer -- I haven't time to make this a legal requirement -- but, I would much prefer that you, as executrix under my will, do not elect to participate in profits for 2 or 3 years or whatever it may be that is specified there. My partners have been generous with me while I worked with them. There is no reason why, under the circumstances of my withdrawal from the firm, they should pay anything more. I could wish that I had, for my goodby kiss, a .38 police special with which I have made some good scores -- not records but at least made my mark. Instead, I have this black bitch -- bitch, if the word is not familiar to you -- but at least an honest one who will mean what she says. The neighbors may think it's a motor backfire ,but to me she will whisper -- "Rest - Sleep." Albert P.S. I think there is enough insurance to see Valerie through school, but if there isn't -- I am sure you would out of the insurance payments, at least -- I hope further and I don't insist that you have the ordinary decency -- decency that is -- to do so -- Will you see Valerie through college -- she is the only one about whom I am concerned as this .38 whispers in my ear.

Married male, age 45 My darling, May her guts rot in hell -- I loved her so much. Henry Divorced female, age 61 You cops will want to know why I did it, well, just let us say that I lived 61 years too many. People have always put obstacles in my way. One of the great ones is leaving this world when you want to and have nothing to live for. I am not insane. My mind was never more clear. It has been a long day. The motor got so hot it would not run so I just had to sit here and wait. The breaks were against me to the last. The sun is leaving the hill now so hope nothing else happens. Married male, age 74 What is a few short years to live in hell. That is all I get around here. No more I will pay the bills. No more I will drive the car. No more I will wash, iron & mend any clothes. No more I will have to eat the leftover articles that was cooked the day before. This is no way to live. Either is it any way to die. Her grub I can not eat. At night I can not sleep. I married the wrong nag-nag-nag and I lost my life. W.S. to the undertaker We have got plenty money to give me a decent burial. Don't let my wife kid you by saying she has not got any money. Give this note to the cops. W.S.Give me liberty or give me death.

Married male, age 45 Dear Claudia, You win, I can't take it any longer, I know you have been waiting for this to happen. I hope it makes you very happy, this is not an easy thing to do, but I've got to the point where there is nothing to live for, a little bit of kindness from you would of made everything so different, but all that ever interested you was the dollar. It is pretty hard for me to do anything when you are so greedy even with this house you couldn't even be fair with that, well it's all yours now and you won't have to see the Lawyer anymore. I wish you would you give my personal things to Danny, you couldn't get much from selling them anyway, you still have my insurance, it isn't much but it will be enough to take care of my debts and still have a few bucks left. You always told me that I was the one that made Sharon take her life, in fact you said I killed her, but you know down deep in your heart it was you that made her do what she did, and now you have two deaths to your credit, it should make you feel very proud. Good By Kid P.S. Disregard all the mean things I've said in this letter, I have said a lot of things to you I didn't really mean and I hope you get well and wish you the best of everything. Cathy -- don't come in. Call your mother, she will know what to do. Love Daddy Cathy don't go in the bedroom. Married female, age 50 When a "man" doesn't know where to take his wife -- then she isn't a wife any more -- I hope you will be "free" to take anyone any place and I'm sure you will not have any trouble as to places -- Please don't tell my mother the truth -- your whole tribe is partly responsible for this -- from your mother on down -- hope they are satisfied. Married female, age 56 About the Evil god (yes) About the Evil Seers killing people for their money (yes) I am a profit at my death I am a root of the stem of Jesse (yes) We have made many discoveries. We have found out who the people with the mark of the beast are. And the devil was a human being now killed and cast into hell and the angel with the keys of the bottomless pit is in hell casting out all the good souls which these evil people have cast into hell for no reason. The good Seers who serve our God are 1/3 to 2/3 of the evil ones in this world. We are better than holding our owne but in Heaven God is almost over come and I kill myself so I may go and help him, because I have a funny little quirk in my brain which helps. 6 palmy each at a few years sport. Our god will send them into the world.

Single male, age 13 I know what I am doing. Annette found out. Ask Cara. I love you all. Bill Widowed female, age 52 (Her husband died three months before.) Please tell Ron's folks I love them very much but my heart breaks when I see or hear from them. Also all our friends especially Irene and Charles and Ella I love them also. Forgive me for not seeing them. Everyone seems so happy and I am so alone. Amy. I wanted to visit you but I am going around in a dream. Alice I wanted to help you paint but how could I with a broken heart. And my head aches so much any more my nerves are ready to break and what would happen if they did. You will say I am crazy and I can't go on this way just half living. I loved this house once but now it is so full of memories I can't stay here. I have tried to think of some way to go on but can't. Am so nervous all the time -- I loved Ron too much but is that a sin, with him gone I have nothing. Oh I have the girls and family but they don't fill the vacant spot left in my heart ... Xmas is coming I can't go on I'm afraid I would break down. I've thought of this so many times. I love every one but I can't be one of you any more. Please think kindly of me and forgive me. I only hope this is fatal then I can rest and no more trouble to any one. Do with Lisa whats best I know she has been a lot of worry to mama and I'm sorry. I tried to keep the yard up that seemed to be the only comfort I had. I loved it but that wasn't anything. I've lost every thing so why go on. I worshipped Ron and when he went I lost my whole world and everything. I'm so tired and lonely. There goes a siren. Oh how can I stand being left. I need to go to a Dr. but I am afraid. I'm so cold. Mother Love, Louise Married male, age 40 Jimmy! Remember what I told you and always respect, protect and obey your mother and always remember that I love you so much. I am going to leave you forever because I am too sick to go on. God bless you my Son and when your time comes to go to Heaven you will find your ole Pappy waiting for you. Daddy

Single female, age 16 Dear Mother & Dad, Please forgive me. I have tried to be good to you both. I love you both very much and wanted to get along with you both. I have tried. I have wanted to go out with you and Dad but I was always afraid to ask for I always felt that the answer would be no. And about Bud, I want to dismiss every idea about him. I don't like him any more than a companion, for a while I thought I did but no more, in fact, I am quite tired of him, as you know, I get tired of everyone after a while. And mother, I wish that you hadn't called me a liar, and said I was just like Hap. as I'm not. It is just that I am afraid of you both at times, but I love you both very much. So Long Your loving daughter that will always love you Mary P.S. Please forgive me. I want you to, and don't think for one minute that I haven't appreciate everything you've done. Single male, age 35 (He committed suicide after he killed his girlfriend.) Mommie, my Darling, To love you as I do and live without you is more than I can bear. I love you so completely, wholeheartedly without restraint. I worship you, that is my fault. With your indifference to me; is the difference. I've tried so hard to make our lives pleasant and lovable, but you didn't seem to care. You had great plans which didn't include me. You didn't respect me. That was the trouble. You treated me like a child. I couldn't reach you as a man and woman or man and wife as we've lived. I let you know my feelings toward you when I shouldn't have. How I loved you, what you meant to me. Without you life is unbearable. This is the best way. This will solve all our problems. You can't hurt me further and anyone else. I was a "toll" while you needed me or thought you did. But now that I could use some help, you won't supply the need that was prominent when you need it. So, good bye my love. If it is possible to love in the hereafter, I will love you even after death. May God have mercy on both our souls. He alone knows my heartache and sorrow and love for you. Daddy Single female, age 31 My boss, Kenneth J., seduced me and made me pregnant. He refuses to help me. I had not had intercourse in two years. He says that I will have to suffer through it by myself. Several people know about this -- my doctor, Dr. James R., and Pete M., who works at Willams. Pete and I never had a love affair, although Kenneth would like to drag Pete into it. Also, Dr. Arnold W. knows about it. I have always been such a good girl. Daddy dear -- As much as it hurts me, I cannot make it this Friday. I may be in very serious trouble. I have always been a very good person, but it looks like I really got in a mess, through no real fault of my own. I must have been born to suffer. Love - Elizabeth P.S. Call me if you can. When will Sally be back? I may need her desperately.

Married man, age 52 Dear Joan, For 23 years we lived happy together. Our married life was ideal, until two years ago when I witnessed Kristy die in the hospital something snapped in me. You remember when I returned from the hospital I broke down. That was the beginning of my illness. Since then my condition was getting progressively worse, I could neither work or think logically. You have been thru "Hell" with me since then. Only you and I know how much you have lived thru. I feel that I will not improve and can't keep on causing you and the children so much misery. I loved you and was proud of you. I loved the children dearly and could not see them suffer so much on account of me. Dear Children: Please forgive me. Love, Frank Divorced female, age 37 To No-one and Everyone: Because of a growing conviction that a hereditary insanity is manifesting itself beyond my control, I am taking this way out -- before mere nuisance attacks and rages against others assume a more dangerous form. Because I am an agnostic and believe funeral fanfare to be nonsense -- I ask that it be forgotten. Instead, knowing there to be a marked shortage of cadavers for the medical profession, for which I have endless respect, I hereby bequeath 1) my body to medics for dissection; also 2) To Mark B. all personal effects -- to be divided as whim decrees -- with Dr. Lois J., L.A. and to each -- a deep fondness and love. 3) To Joe A. the greatest devotion -- the kind that "passeth all understanding." 3a) And my life. Anita R. 4) To my father, Vincent M., the sum of one dollar ($1) Trina, a college student, 21 years old Fall quarter I called Suicide Prevention. I'd called them before and the people were nice, but this time the woman acted a little indignant. "Why the hell do you want to do something like that?" she asked. We talked until she said she had other phone calls. But she made me promise I wouldn't try it without calling back first. I had a bottle of Coricidin from a wisdom tooth operation. I'd been thinking about it for a month off and on. Much later that night I took ten Coricidin and went to bed. I woke up in the morning feeling really rotten -- weepy, groggy. I could hardly move I thought I was going to die any minute. My roommate came home and got a friend to drive me to the school infirmary, where they gave me something that made me sick to my stomach. The doctor who gave it to me calmed me down. She said it happens to a lot of people, the pills wouldn't hurt me. I felt tingly, like I might pass out any minute. I was immediately taken in a wheelchair to the psychiatrist's office. I talked to him about five minutes. He kept yelling ta me about why did I take the pills, why didn't I do this or that. I remember thinking, boy this man is a real jerk. I told him I didn't want to see him any more. He said, "That's fine," and put me in a locked room with bars on the windows. I couldn't make phone calls. I felt humiliated, which made me angry. I'm not crazy. I'm not weird. I don't want people to look at me like I'm nuts. I'm not some nutty kid who tried to knock herself off. I was most angry at being stuck in that room. I expected to be put in a straitjacket any minute. I complained until they moved me a pretty room and let me make phone calls. I was there about two weeks. My psychiatrist kept harping at me about school -- was I going to stay in or drop out? I saw him ten minutes a day. The other patients and one orderly helped me a lot more than he did. I just wanted to find a place where I could be alone and think about things. I left feeling like not much had been accomplished, except letting me know that I didn't want to attempt it again. No -- I feel like I've become a lot more sensitive to people. I don't look at their problems as trivial any more. I almost like it when my friends come to me with problems. I feel like I can help now. I still haven't told the two people I was most angry at -- my father and my boyfriend -- why I was in the hospital. Sandra, a clerk, 27 years old A year ago March, while I was living in Michigan, I took an overdose of Elavil. I was seeing a psychiatrist and I was just getting off the medication. But the bottle was still in my apartment. I'd one out and had drinks, came home and that's when I did it -- about ten in the evening or so. I called my boyfriend Jonathan in California and my social worker. I told them I had taken the pills. The social worker told me to drive to the emergency room. I'd have been lucky to make it to the front door. Jonathan called a friend of mine, who came to the apartment and broke down the door. I was in a coma for five days. I guess I was lucky because the doctors told everybody I wasn't going to make it. Then they said I've have permanent brain damage. When it didn't happen they said it was the miracle of the floor. I was out of the hospital in about three weeks; a week of that was in the psychiatric ward, which was a real drag. I had a lot of problems with my memory for a while. Even now I can't remember some things. Starting a week before the overdose I don't remember anything at all. All I know about it is what Jonathan says I told him over the phone. Everybody asks "Why did you do it?" and I don't know. It sounds real stupid. Everybody in the hospital was real nice. I was afraid that they would get down on me but they didn't. It was a Catholic hospital, and I had my own room. Friends were there 24 hours a day. It made me realize how many friends I had. On the psychiatric ward they give you tests for brain damage. They ask you a lot of silly questions. They test your reflexes, your memory. They give you EKG tests. It took a while to get back my coordination. I couldn't write or do other things with my hands. Most of the time I stayed by myself. There were programs for the other patients but they didn't put me in any because they didn't know how long I would be staying. I'd tried twice, but those times weren't serious. I was just trying to get some attention. The first time I was 14, and I slashed my wrists. It was basic adolescent scare tactics. As a result I ended up in an inpatient clinic for teenagers for about five months. Almost everybody there was there because they ran away or they were doing a lot of drugs. The second time was a couple of years ago. I did a Valium overdose. It wasn't very serious -- I just had to have my stomach pumped. This time it shocked me to realize what could have happened to me. I realized how much I had hurt my friends and family, which I didn't think about before. I started wondering if people could trust me. It upset my life a lot -- it threw everything backwards. Jonathan flew in from California. HE said the scariest part was worrying about having to decide what to do if my body kept living but I had no brain response. When I first woke up I didn't think there would be anything wrong with me. And then it hit me that I couldn't move. I was embarrassed that people had to see me like that. Once you're out of the hospital a lot of institutions won't hire you. You can't get health insurance. You have to lie on your job applications. People look at you like you're dangerous. It's real scary for some of my friends -- they think they're responsible. Trying to convince people that I was OK was the hardest thing. That they didn't have to watch over me, that I wasn't going to try it again.

Thomas, a hairdresser, 21 years old I tried it five years ago. I was at a neighbor's house and fired a gun at my head. Nothing happened; it seemed empty. I fired it at a wall and put a bullet in it. So a minute later I found some Seconals in a medicine cabinet. I remember watching cartoons and taking the pills one by one. A neighbor lady found me and couldn't wake me up. I couldn't open my eyes or move, but I heard everything. I remember the lady shaking me and saying, "Oh, my God." I remember the ambulance people taking off my clothes and making me throw up. There wasn't any pain. I don't remember having my stomach pumped. When I woke up it was five days later. A big black lady kept tickling me. "'Bout time you woke up," she said. "I've been tickling you for three days." I thought I was in heaven -- it looked like some place in heaven for the misfits. Turned out I was in the basement of a free clinic, a long room with rows of beds with all kinds of teenagers, pregnant girls, suicides, drug addicts. We walked around in gowns, smoking cigarettes and watching TV. The reason I tried was I was angry at my mother, but when she came in she just said, "Why'd you do this -- to try to get attention?" Am I glad I was rescued? Oh yeah. I was so glad I didn't die. It made me realize how much I appreciate myself, because I had a glimpse of what I might have lost. I had some friends and I would've missed them. I didn't have to go home after that. They put me in a foster home. The State made me go to a psychiatrist. I never liked the man. I thought he had more problems than I did. I felt drugged and slow for a couple of years. Every now and then I'd take speed to feel normal. Downers still make me feel speedy. If I had a suicidal friend now I'd ask them, "Why don't you have any alternatives? Could it really be so awful?" That's what I say to myself now.