She called me a "neurotic psychotic"; The Story of the Fake Profile Page

Okay not that I have a DSIV book tucked neatly away beside my bed, but I was completely blank after being called "neurotic psychotic," by someone that is unable to express any forms of gratitude, appreciation, love or admiration for someone that they had been seeing for over seven months. Now when I say "seeing" I don't mean just sitting there staring off into the face of another human being I mean dating, having sexual intercourse with, sleepovers, dinners, hand holding, receiving gifts, money, etc. How could someone devote so much time to someone & not even care about them is this even humanly possible? Yet it seems to be as she has expressed no feelings of friendship, no admiring, no deep liking for won't even call unless she's called first, would spend days at a time with me yet not even care once she was out of my presence about me or my child. Any way moving forward...
So of course I took the matter to dear old friend Google, Now Neurotic is described in a way that is common and EVERYONE born to human parents has a little of this in them, it's basically the simple stress that is caused by every day life. In some people it can be as simple as a fear of public speaking, or cause a person to be stressed about bills, eating, work, their body, their health or have many different anxieties. Neurotic or better stated neurosis is NOT something that can interfere with a persons day to day living. Now being psychotic or having a psychosis is just a symptom not an actual disorder. It is however a state that impairs thought, perceptions and judgement. This again is not directed or even linked to anyone particular mental illness depending on the severity it may require therapy along with medication, (which BINGO I am not hiding the fact that when I meant her I was already on meds & under going therapy) but again this is something that the every day average person can also experience. In my case YES I made a fake profile to prove to myself one thing and one thing only that I was RIGHT!!!

In the process of creating & maintaining this fictitious profile page on a popular DATING website I was able to learn a lot about the human condition, the thought processes of some people, which I feel will lead to several blogs about this same subject. I learned a lot from people, I learned more than I really cared to learn about people too. For the most part the one person in particular I learned about was myself, I am very intelligent I used this site to gain power of my mind to tell myself it was actually a good time to exit a relationship that was one sided, that was mentally, FINANCIALLY draining to my entire life. It's not that I didn't already know this however in the battle between heart and brain the heart won out big time. I would run to this person if they needed anything, give even when I knew that when I was need that they were never there to give to me. It's also crazy because despite my financial, mental or medical situations all that would have really helped was just some comfort or support however this person didn't even find me important enough to give me those simplistic FREE things. I was always after everyone on her long list, even when she befriended someone newly I fell far behind this person whom couldn't or didn't ever do anything financially for her probably wasn't even capable of doing any such things which always left me to believe that all she could receive from her was something physical. Even the people she called friends, gave most of her time to were also people who were no where near mentally capable of spelling even basic fourth grade words let alone hold any adult conversation. Yet here is where I stayed angry for over seven months because I was in so many ways the perfect person for her however she never thought the same as I. From creating this fake account I was able to finally realize that some people will never be in the same mind space as to match with their actual biological birth dates, so this also told me that I was wasting every bit of my fucking time...not only on this female but on this fake ass page in which I had created to catch her in yet another one of her weakly formed lies.
So in all this I added that I was suffering from a neurotic episode, I had been living within a lie, a sad tear filled lie, just because I thought that I should stay some where after investing so much time, money, especially money into this relationship. Now I feel that I am a fool, but like most educations in life they cost you something, I paid a lot for what I already knew and that is that people will use you up, spit you out and think nothing of what they've done to you. No matter how much they were also fucked over by someone else, no matter how much they lost in pervious relationships, they don't mind doing it to someone else just because it was done to them. Some people just have no feelings what so ever that's how they know terms like neurotic and psychotic because they have been deemed that before by a mental health professional.

To be continued....

Things you never asked...

...you never asked what I do. You never asked why I liked you.You never asked what was my hearts desire. You never asked what sets my minds thoughts on fire. You never asked about my past. You never asked when I was kissed last. You never asked about my life. You never asked how I handle strife. You never asked my favorite color. You never asked how my family treated one another. You never asked about the foods I enjoy. You never asked what it's like to be a girl boi. You never asked why I don't sleep at night. You never asked if I was alright. You never asked why I cry before I slumber. You never asked about the things that make me wonder. You never asked these things about me because you have no respect for the beauty you see!

I’m not gone cry

I’m not gone cry

“While all the time that I was loving you, you were busy loving yourself I would stop breathing if you told me to, now you’re busy loving someone else..” As the song starts I can remember seeing the film (Waiting to Exhale) in the theater for the first time ever, it was in the old Cheltenham Mall theater. It was so crowded every seat in the place was taken, all anyone could see was a sea of woman filling the entire place. There may have been about ten or so males in there that evening. I sat in a row with about eight other females, we had all came to see this movie together. When the part in the film came on where this song (Not Gone Cry by Mary J Bliege) lowly played in the background every single female in the place started to sing this song, my entire body was covered with goose bumps as I sang the song as well. It was one of the most amazing things that I to this day have ever experienced, with lord knows how many other people, 75 or 100 who knows. But the sound of all of us sining in agreement, with feeling, the sound was just amazing. Now that several years have passed, I’ve lived more than enough experiences where I can actually understand the words, feelings, and emotions behind this song, that scene in the movie and why so many of us that night felt the need to sing this song.

“I should have left your ass long time ago, I’m not gone cry, I’m not gone cry, I’m not gone shed no tears because you’re not worth my tears. I was your lover and your secretary working every day of the week was at the job when no one else was there helping you get on your feet..” I mean even though many of us weren’t married and probably like myself still have yet to get married, this song speaks to the heart of every woman (man) hurt, putting yourself out for someone else just having them play with your heart just to leave you for another person. I mean the song talks about how easily someone can just leave you after an extended amount of time together basically without regard to the commitment in which the two of you had made to one another, or the emotional attachment. “ eleven years I’ve sacrificed and you can leave me at the drop of a dime...” This also leaves a person feeling as if the time they’ve put into a relationship was wasted in essence it may feel like that, there is no positive way to put a spin on that. However every personal experience with another human being is an opportunity to learn something that you can use later on in your lifetime. I mean life’s lessons aren’t always so easy and none messy, there is going to be difficulty, there is going to be a lot of mess to clean up, there’s going to be complications involved with them. But they aren’t for naut and if you’re a quick learner you may not have to repeat them ever again, because you would have gotten out of that relationship or situation what you needed to avoid ever being put in that place ever again.

I just only wish that people would no longer have to learn these lessons that end with so much pain, but as long as there are “assholes” in this world there is going to be pain inflicted to anyone who let’s someone into their hearts, anyone who opens up their lives and lets another person into it. Until this day there are always going to be songs written like this or movies like “Waiting To Exhale”, dedicated to the pain that so many people male and female have been through and sad to say real life doesn’t always have the movie happy endings in them either.

Always an Option

when you find that someone's always putting you in here when they want someone else but pulling you out when they bored, maybe it's time to just empty the trash in your own life!!!

JUST LET IT BE...

Never could understand the need for a title for somethings until I no longer had a "thing" needing a title!! Yeah confusing huh??? Well I had this girlfriend, well female friend, well woman friend...uummmm well let's put it like this, she was a woman and a friend and the feelings I felt for her were much more than any friend I have now, will ever have or had at that time! See I wanted to lay claim on another human being, which isn't exactly possible, I mean since slavery was abolished right? It's easy to claim a family member as being your family, a friend as being your friend, but a relationship beyond friend but less than married, or even boy/girlfriend. Isn't so easy, but hell who says it has to be called anything but what it is friends. I mean yeah this woman I was seeing at the tender age of 29 or 30 was more than any friend I'd ever had before, however it wasn't a need for any title at all, I mean we talked just about every waking hour our phones were connected to one another, thank the lord for bluetooth! But I wanted more, I wanted DEMANDED to hear her say those words, I wanted to have property in the form of another human being...lol. But it wouldn't have made her more special nor me, it wouldn't have made her love me any more or less. I mean this woman was special to me even though we had no title what so ever. She explained this to me often I mean at twenty years my senior she had lived loved and learned much more than I had, she said "just let it be" but I didn't listen...

Today she remains close to my heart, someone that loves me no matter what I do or have done, and someone that would come to my aide if I ever needed her. However I have moved on, yet find myself backwards. With someone that always wants to make sure I know that my title is friend and "FRIEND ONLY". I mean it's like the saddest thing ever, I love her no less, I adore her maybe more, I spend lots of time with her, I give her time that no one else receives, we do things that are maybe a little more than I'd like her to do with her other random friends. I just don't get the need for constant reminding of the "friend" title, I mean I ask for nothing more or her except to keep her plans with me, or to be respectful of a few things, I just think it's so odd to always want to downgrade everything as if I can someone how forget that I am "JUST A FRIEND!" I mean a times I wonder if maybe I should never see her again, or maybe my friendship isn't needed because I'm constantly being told over and over again that am just a friend. I wonder is this a thing she does with all her friends, it's kinda creepy. I mean besides I'm happy with what I have, I say it often, yet it seems to fall onto deaf ears, or maybe someone who really doesn't want me around. The more and more it's said the more and more I get the feeling that I am not wanted around, or that I am stood up often because I am not that important. I have no idea what it may be all I do know is that I wish she would just "LET IT BE!" Before it's gone....

...dying smells like lemons...

..I remembered watching a Grey's Anatomy episode where an inmate who was a week or so out from being put to death came into the hospital. He caused much major drama as per the entertainment of the show. However he said he had remembered his grandfather dying and saying that it smelled like lemons. The inmate called his grandfather a liar, but after all their work saving his life he was still put to death and Meridith was there to see him die like he had asked her. He said he wanted to look out among the sea of angry faces to see one kind face, which he wanted to be hers. As they begin to inject him, he smiled and said it smelled like lemons. I hadn't remembered this until one night sitting on the toilet of all places, this had become my thinking thrown many many years ago. When I sniffed the air it was strong with a scent unmistakably of lemons...being the person I am surrounded at times by many, but not often felt like those were really o concerned with the true me. I have/had no one to share this with, the fact that I smelled this citrus like smell despite not having anything of the scent around especially not in the bathroom. I begin to tell those that I loved, I love you more often, I tried to have more patience, I tried to complete more tasks, I tried to mend more relationships, I tried to make sure my place was often clean.

But how could I ever explain that I felt my time of death was nearing? I mean it's simply the smell of lemons, I would surely be committed to some crazy home. But instead I kept it to myself, I couldn't explain the peace that the smell brought to me, even though it was with the knowledge of such a horrible fate that lay ahead for me. But it filled my body with such an abundance of peace and comfort. I tell the person that I fought with the of my love the most because for she and my daughter were those who I felt always received the brunt of my frustration and impatience with life. So as I kiss my child on the forehead I mentioned to her how much I love her. But as for her, the woman I love she told me to stop proclaiming my feelings for she was tired of hearing those words. As I prepare myself for my nightly slumber I am surely unaware if I will be blessed with an awakening in the morning, but alas the last thing she will remember is telling me to stop!

So as I lay here, sniffing the smell of lemons, feeling the great peace and comfort I can only hope that I live another day to NOT tell her that I love her, and that she will never regret telling me to stop......

"You love me, but you hate me"

Why is it that the people that you love so much or that claim to love you hurt you so badly? I’ve never understood this and if I live a hundred years I will never be able to grasp the understanding of it. I often wonder why is it because, I don’t love you enough? Is it because I would die for you? Are my sacrifices not pleasing to you? Is it that I’m not your favorite? Is it because I am not beautiful enough? Is it because I lack the femineity that other woman have? Maybe I’m not smart enough? Or perhaps I don’t deserve the respect that other human beings do? I mean this is a country that denies me of the basic freedoms and rights that heterosexuals receive. What can it be that I have done to deserve such treatment.

If I were a child I would continue on with line of questioning, blaming myself for the maltreatment that I continue to receive on a daily basis. However “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish things ways behind me.” 1 Cor. It would be incomprehensible for someone to blame the treatment they received from others on themselves. However it is within human nature to seek out reasons for why those that are supposed to love, admire, and adore you by either friendship, blood relations, or time known, would ever have reason to mistreat you. Any educated person or reason would first seek inward to find out any question that their heart or mind desires the answer for. In the mirror of this world the first image we see is our own reflection, someone who looks in the mirror and sees someone else’s reflection is deeply in need of serious mental attention, or is blinded by someone that they are places in front of themselves causing a blockage of their own view. So once I’ve have passed the stage of checking into my own image than where shall I turn to seek out the understanding that surpasses my knowledge?

In the Bible when Paul writes his letters to the people of Corinth (the Corinthians), he starts out chapter 13, of his letter by writing these words, “And no I will show you the most excellent way.” Any human being with or without the belief in God, a god any other form or being in the world that does not know what he is about to say does not have any understanding of life at all. Because for within these following sentences Paul writes if Love, one of the most common feelings in this world that without this there would be NOTHING that differentiates the human from the lowliest of animals on this planet. If one were to disagree than I would challenge them to name anything in this world that would NOT be affect by the loss of the emotion love.

Even as a society of human beings that are by nature and nurture taught, given and raised by this principle of love, many many people still don’t know how to execute the act of showing one another LOVE. Before I get to far off into this topic I will transcribe the text in which the meaning of love is defined; “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind/ It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude. it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” People often read things written in the bible and make the assumption that they need a minister, pastor or preacher to explain things to them, or they listen to someone else’s explanation and forsake their own knowledge and understand, any words that are ever written in your native tongue can be understood by you without the need of a teacher.

A person can be wealthy, so wealthy that it’s ignorant, however without love for someone or from someone what good does all their wealth bring them? If a person has intelligence to the point of being a genius what good is this if they have no one to love, or no one loves them in return? If we were a world devoid of love, what would be our reasoning for living from day to day? One that lives without love can’t even love themselves enough to even maintain their own lives. The basic family structure would no longer exist, child births would decline, therefor those children also born would be unloved raised without love, or the knowledge of the things that comes from loving one another.

Even with love in the world, it remains to be understood why people treat those that they love poorly. Well has human beings I understand that we can not always be as perfect in our actions against one another but if there is in our hearts forms any form of love than there would be less neglectful, hurtful words or actions towards those that we are supposed to love. People that can only love those that are in blood relation to them are also lacking the desire or knowledge of the true meaning of the word. I have searched high and I have searched low, even in he dictionary love is defined as;

love |ləv|

noun

1 an intense feeling of deep affection : babies fill parents with intense feelings of love | their love for their country.

• a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone : it was love at first sight | they were both in love with her | we were slowly falling in love.

• ( Love) a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.

• a great interest and pleasure in something : his love for football | we share a love of music.

• affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one's behalf.

• a formula for ending an affectionate letter : take care, lots of love, Judy.

2 a person or thing that one loves : she was the love of his life | their two great loves are tobacco and whiskey.

• Brit., informal a friendly form of address : it's all right, love.

• ( a love) Brit., informal used to express affectionate approval for someone : don't fret, there's a love.

I still quest to find the answer for this but one of the most simplistic answers that I have come up with is that “If someone mistreats you and they claim to love you, they simply DO NOT love you!” Tracie B. Henry

Grand opening, Grand Closing!!

Grand opening, Grand Closing!!

Baby come to me, feed upon the flesh of my body.

your soul force is the fire that lights my desire.

baby come to me, rest upon my breast take in all of me.

imagine the masses that we’ll make envious of the two of us.

baby come to me, lust upon my beauty.

you can come upon this bodacious, buxom physique.

baby come to me, infiltrate my ginormous booty.

with you i’m able to reach that boundless peak.

get away from me, your face makes my skin crawl.

your touch upon my form makes me want to cleanse my body.

Get away from me, one mere glance from you I want to brawl.

can’t stand the fact of you breathing the same air as me.

get away from me, because you are no longer my desire.

the fact that you have life makes me simply cringe.

get away from me, your home i wish i could light on fire.

the hurt i wish to cause to you, will force you to binge.

A Home at The End of The World

Another gem I ran into on Friday night was this movie with beautiful Colin Farrell playing alongside of Robin Wright, Dallas Roberts and Sissy Spacek. Another LGBT movie I had never even heard of but was surprised to find out that I really really enjoyed this film. Despite the fact that it’s something to be watched with someone to cuddle with (which we know I have NOT) or a good snack and a box of kleenex. It starts from the childhood of the character of Colin Farrell as a child living with his family brother, father and mother. He lives through a very sad and tragic childhood only to end up with one of the most amazing families of one of his male friends. He finds a lovely connection with his friend’s mother played by a beautiful Sissy Spacek who’s own childlike qualities brings out the most amazing side of her.

The two friends separate for sometime than end up reuniting and creating another family bound and connection with one another. Set in Cleveland Ohio than moving to New York City, this film just keeps sucking you in with every move. Many of the few sex scenes for some reason just turned me on.....but that’s for another day. This film was much different than any of the others I've seen but also reminded me a lot of the film entitled Threesome with the two males and female college students sharing a suit together. The love triangle also is very much simiilar as well. However much of the tragedy is a lot deeper, sadder and much more compelling than in the light hearted film Threesome.

Again I have yet to have my faith restored in the fact that I will ever find true, happy or SANE love living this LGBT life. This film also was a tear jerker, it just tugged at my heart and left my pillow wet for the evening, and no that’s not in a good way. "A Home at The End of The World" was well worth my time, however it’s not the happy go lucky love story that I was looking for. This just goes to show me that living the LYFE isn’t one that is very easy. Despite the fact that many try to pretend to be hardcore into this life, I also see why so many people try to leave open that door to always be able to jump back out when things get a little hot. But for those of us who can’t (not for lack of trying) but because we soon rather eat elephant shit than live a life of lies or add extra misery to our lives by trying to be something that we weren’t made to be. Maybe film makers and writers that are LGBT just write about that in which they see, hear of live this is just the pure lives of what we all must deal with.

As I look back over my past relationships I just don’t understand, there was nothing I could’ve done better, or changed except the decisions of being with the people I decided to be with. I have never tried to be someone I wasn’t unless I was trying to be someone that didn’t care, or someone that was more aggressive than I actually am. I have finally stopped trying to beat myself to death for all those that I opened up to or joined into my life, I know now that I am not the only broken person out there, but in my case one of the only ones able to admit that fact. So I am living every day to tape, glue, or staple things back to where they should be. That’s all that matters in life is that we all claim our own shit and decide to do something about making it either go away or at least smell better.

Thanks for reading and as always be real with yourself, than be real to others. The world would be such a better place if we all just were a lot more honest......

The Line of Beauty

The Line of Beauty

Over the weekend I watched yet another gay movie in my quest to view just about every LGBT film that I can, actually every film ever made. I have tried many so far at least a hundred in the past few months, some I complete others don’t always make it. However I was pleasantly surprised to actually see some pretty damn good movies that I had actually never heard of before and were some great gay films. The Line of Beauty is a BC video and as I have started to learn a lot of gay films are made in other countries. This one was a lot better than the last one Before I forget the last gay film which was French and had subtitles, oh and let’s not forget it was very very slow depressing and helped to build no hope in the fact thatI would ever find love in my life ever!!

The Line of Beauty in many ways paralleled that of the man’s life in the French film, because both men weren’t able to find a true love to live out their lives with. Each man was hopelessly single and not by their choices either. However in the Line of Beauty the man was much younger and extremely handsome with crystal blue eyes. He was an openly gay male whom was invited to live with his college friend’s wealthy family. Over a period of about five years, this film told the story of this young man as well as the relationship he had built with the sister of the friend. The family appeared to be happy, loving an perfect on the outside however their issues were slowly pealed back as time passed.

There were also similarities in the way that gay males openly or freely engaged in sexual acts with one another. Many of the characters were living secret lives in which they played straight but lived secret lives of sex with men along with drug abuse. This film was set in the 80’s and many of the characters eventually ended up battling HIV or even dying from AIDS. So many had sex in bathrooms, or parks often not using protection even the woman with the were in relationships with weren’t using protection. Not only were the gay or down low individuals spreading their selves around even the father of the wealthy family wasn’t able to keep it in his pants or out of his young secretary.

This film was interesting just above a sleeper though, it was broken down into three episodes maybe that just being a European thing, who knows. However the movie was worth the watch I was drawn into the life of this young man, but only left again feeling empty because it once again shows the only LGBT life I know, and that is one of a lonely nice guy with a string of horrible lots in life and very few decent friends to get them by in life. I have truly got to get out there and find some more pleasant happier GAY films or I will forever lose hope in my big ole gay happy ever after.

Oh and the sex scenes....I don’t know what it is about two guys getting it in that just.......well let’s say I enjoyed it....just being real.

Stop the CHASE baby it'll come to you.......

In the past few months I have been there....my feelings have been hurt people I thought were my friends showed their TRUE colors, I have been broke, sad, hungry, scared, lonely, in pain, depressed, lost, found, misunderstood, used, abused, lied to, misrepresented, tested, tried, drained, I mean the list could go on and on. However I am NOT alone others have been going through with their own issues many handle things in different ways. But I watch "HER" and no "HER" isn't code for my recent ex or anything however "HER" is more than one person. It's a few woman that have been or are in my life at this time. I have been watching them chase the NEXT one as if their lives would be lost if they were forced to be single for more than a month or hell in one's case for more than a damn WEEK. I mean track shoes on chasing the next girlfriend, wife, relationship, or in many of their cases the next ex that they can bitch and moan about being such a horrible person.

I mean I understand lonely, I understand single trust me do I understand single she's my friend. What I don't understand in the lack of willingness of individuals to seek out change within themselves. I mean when you break up with someone that you "really" loved and cared for, how can you just simply move right onto the next victim with all the baggage that carried over from all the issues in which you recently dwelt with in that past relationship. I do understand that many people MANY don't even know what the hell the word "love" means and are just recklessly using it on random people hoping, seeking that they aren't ever called out on that bullshit! I mean come on if there were so many people in "love" than there wouldn't be so many people getting in and out of relationships like they get in and out of their underwear.

Bad enough their jumping from relationship to relationship, and not taking care of their core emotional issues, their also creating a situation in their lives that isn't really the best look for them in the long run. For example who wants to date someone that's been through more woman than Tampax? I mean once your been from her to her to her, what's going to happen when you finally find "HER"? Well there's going to be a problem are you really going to tell "HER" about the hundred or so other woman you've told that you loved, or that you've opened your legs to? Not to mention for these Dyke a day chicks, a dyke one day and a dick the next! I mean you're probably going to lie, or lie by omitting the many many many people of your past. I mean who really wants to settle down with the local whore? Who wants to proudly walk around down with the one woman that every ones had on their arm? So maybe you leave out a few woman, however what do you do about those people you've already been through? How do you get them to disappear, or forget that they too have test driven you? I've also been with her, that one that's been with so many people that she left out every single relationship she's ever had only for her closet to open and the bones to start spilling out right in front of me. So not only are you a hoe but a liar too, what a wonderful package, this here is my life living as a single lesbian, every woman I seem to meet, deal with or dwelt with has been going around like the local meals on wheels delivery person giving out a bit here and there, than of course lying by omission.

So as I watch "her" chasing the next ex, I feel like I am NEVER going to be in a relationship ever again, because here I am working so hard on me, every day a change is coming, every day work is being put in every therapy appointment, every step towards bettering myself is a step away from many of the "hers" out there that are still chasing someone. Instead of chasing betterment in their own lives, instead of chasing a change in how they see or experience the world around themselves. So I awaken and bless each day with the newness that is me.....and for now I'll do that all alone just wish I wasn't going through this on my own!!!!

I pick YOU...no not you the one behind you "YES YOU!"

Well for sometime I've wondered if it's really really possible for two woman to love each other and stay together forever. . . . I mean whether it be best friends (lost one of those) or mother daughter (struggling with that one) sister to sister (not sure we're gonna make it) I mean the outcome really doesn't seem very good. I mean I've been in love in my life, love like I can't live without you love, I mean a love like I can't breath because your no longer around type of love. . . . . but "her" ugghh not so much love. I mean things went from I can't function without your love to uummm I never really loved you just was rebounding from my ex type of shit! I mean hey I'd relocate to a place I hate to be with you type of love to a wow I really like men, this "white girl" sounding midget type of fuck you love.....yeah I've been through a lot I mean my poor heart has been through so much and it's weird because once you get through all the bullshit you'll find yourself in the best heart in the world.

So it amazes me that my heart will some day be back in line to be abused by another, left, used, stepped on, mistreated once again by some cold hearted bitch that once wasn't such a bitch until she decided she no longer wanted to be nice to someone she once thought was the nicest person on the face of this earth. I mean what's the deal with this thing called love I mean I've been in "real" love never ending love like I still have respect for you even after you shat on my love, I mean I'd even still be your friend type of love, maybe even come to your rescue type love but what about my poor heart??? I mean why is it that I'm so mature that I can admit my short comings yet your so immature you can't even admit you never even loved me type of love. . . . maybe not love but honesty that comes with maturity or that just comes with being an adult a good person I mean are there any honest people still left out there seeking love or that even know love or that are willing to love I mean like biblical love like 1st Corinthians type love???? Or we all mean just mean and evil woman that lack love that lack the maturity to give good love or honest love never ending just can't let you go type of love? I mean I wanna grow old with you watch you change threw the years I mean be there when no one is there I mean love you in spite of you that kind of love if your capable of this I pick you!! I want you to give my love to I want you to accept my heart because I know that your love will last just as long as my love will last like your love will be that mature love that never falters that never hurts that never hates that never ceases to remember my love. . . . . . . I pick you!!!!

Facebook; When someone you thought cared about you but.......

......Funny it's my fault for looking, however it's my Macbook and for the years I have been with "her" nothing I have texted, emailed, posted, said, thought or done has been my own information. However at a time when I am going through so much, physical, mental, emotional, family, illnesses, issues, depression, I find out that everything I have thought was private or things that didn't even happen SHE made up about me and posted for all her friends to see and read and comment. Crazy because I've been asking for a few months now why we couldn't be friends on Facebook, not knowing that all the time SHE has me blocked on her facebook which is why I could never find her page. I mean things that I've thought about, things that I've talked to her about, things I've said to her or my daughter she either posted them, distorted them or just outright lied about them. I mean I have done or said things in anger but never would I have a secret girlfriend and lay up with "her", never would I even lie about liking someone, I thought that honesty was what WE were going with! I mean I'm not crying about it just don't feel like doing that however at this time in my life I thought that I had made an honest friend that maybe I didn't make the mistake in choosing a person to be in a relationship with.......however I was wrong DEAD wrong....my hands are shaky, my mind is racing, my spirits are down......I never thought that this would ever be me, happen to me....I mean almost four years of being with someone I thought maybe...just maybe I might have lucked up and found a pretty decent person. NOT!!! I mean since the years I thought maybe growth was coming, I thought maybe honesty was already in place......I thought maybe not crazy like I once thought! But yes crazy, yes a liar, yes immature.....and I am here left picking up the pieces and trying to get my life back on track....my feelings back in order...........my hopes up that maybe someone some where is sane, mature, honest, loving, and not looking to move from one situation to another, not using Facebook as a dating site, or as a soapbox to stand on to make up all these lies about everything. I mean who does that? All along I was willing to share my Facebook information, because I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING CRAZY!!! I mean every time I turn around there's that same crazy, useless mother fucker standing before me and I am just as dumb to open up my life and let in another loser. I know I have a crazy dysfunctional family but if someone choses not to deal with their family thats one thing BUT if someone's family REFUSES to deal with them than that shows you that they have a shit load of issues and you need to fun as fast as you can from that LOOSER!!!! Another sign they have no friends, or are constantly losing friends and moving onto new ones thats a sign that maybe you too need to run before you get eaten up by this person.