My world is changing. . . .

I read the text she sent me it read: "I'm a user and ur the one who couldn't make it without me" this is what she texted to me after four years of her saying she loved me and mine. This doesn't bother me, I knew for a long time that "she" was a sad sick individual I mean even the woman she lives with has been a victim to her mean words despite the fact that this woman doesn't even know of the words that have been spoken behind her back about her and her children....children, I couldn't imagine the fact that someone hates not me but a child enough to slander them than to live with them afterwards. I have been struggling with a lot of things but I don't think that I can't "make it" without anyone whatever that means to her little mind I'll never know nor care to know. I just know that my world is changing, I used to be so happy I mean Happy inside just glowing from some where deep inside myself. But for sometime my insides have been so sad, have been crying and I don't even know what to do. I am surviving financially things happen and I've gone without somethings this doesn't bother me, because me and my child have been maintaining everything as best we can without complaint, without boredom without losing anything. It has been wonderful actually I've never in my life lived without cable television yet I've been living without any television at all for the past few weeks. It's been awesome actually, I've seen more new movies, and watched more series of shows that I've always wanted to see but never did even with cable an the on demand feature right at my finger tips. It's been amazing to say the least, but before this the sadness crept into my insides. It's still remains and I don't know how to get rid of it. I know I miss the way things used to be in my life with "her" around, but knowing that everything she said or did was all fake, for her amusement and all planned out until she found another place to lay claim on, another person to victimize.

I just can't help but feel like I was such a fool, I mean the signs that things weren't right with "her" were always there, something always pulled on me telling me to let go move on, get away yet I stayed. I think maybe this is where the great sadness comes from, I feel like a fool. A person with charge over another's life like that of a parent really can't afford to be a fool for anything or anyone. Maybe this guilt I feel is the route of everything? Yet I have been a fool in this way before, sad to say I've been used before by someone calling themselves a friend, a lover, a girlfriend. . . . . and I've never held this much pain afterwards I mean well there was that one ex that had me in therapy for a few years but that was just different, or was it?

I feel like I'm closer to God now I have so more time to think about things, I've changed in some ways. . . . but yet I feel like I've been given this lot in life that causes me to forever be without the graces, mercies and blessings that God usually bestows upon those closest to him. (I use him as just a term of reference) I listen a lot more, I think a lot more, I step away from things that had often drew me in with their appeal, like electronics, television, the telephone and sex......sex something I feel like I'll never ever do ever again, yet I don't even mind living without. I mean it's not like I even long to see television or have sex, or even talk to anyone on the phone. I mean I feel as if I don't have a friend in this world, I feel no great connection to anyone but my child. I don't miss anyone, nor to I feel like I want to hear any one's voice especially now that I've been going through so much, without even a call from anyone. I mean damn how could I have lived for thirty-five years and not even have one real fucking friend? I mean damn not one person even cares to come and see if I've even been alive or well, or clothed and in my right mind. Who the fuck lives like this? All that I've done for people? All that I've given of myself to others? Yet no one even cares for me? Maybe that's why my insides cry, maybe the thought of being so alone makes me feel so deeply saddened that I can't bare to smile at times. I don't know.

My minds boggled, I can't figure things out at times and this is one of them. . . . .