...dying smells like lemons...

..I remembered watching a Grey's Anatomy episode where an inmate who was a week or so out from being put to death came into the hospital. He caused much major drama as per the entertainment of the show. However he said he had remembered his grandfather dying and saying that it smelled like lemons. The inmate called his grandfather a liar, but after all their work saving his life he was still put to death and Meridith was there to see him die like he had asked her. He said he wanted to look out among the sea of angry faces to see one kind face, which he wanted to be hers. As they begin to inject him, he smiled and said it smelled like lemons. I hadn't remembered this until one night sitting on the toilet of all places, this had become my thinking thrown many many years ago. When I sniffed the air it was strong with a scent unmistakably of lemons...being the person I am surrounded at times by many, but not often felt like those were really o concerned with the true me. I have/had no one to share this with, the fact that I smelled this citrus like smell despite not having anything of the scent around especially not in the bathroom. I begin to tell those that I loved, I love you more often, I tried to have more patience, I tried to complete more tasks, I tried to mend more relationships, I tried to make sure my place was often clean.

But how could I ever explain that I felt my time of death was nearing? I mean it's simply the smell of lemons, I would surely be committed to some crazy home. But instead I kept it to myself, I couldn't explain the peace that the smell brought to me, even though it was with the knowledge of such a horrible fate that lay ahead for me. But it filled my body with such an abundance of peace and comfort. I tell the person that I fought with the of my love the most because for she and my daughter were those who I felt always received the brunt of my frustration and impatience with life. So as I kiss my child on the forehead I mentioned to her how much I love her. But as for her, the woman I love she told me to stop proclaiming my feelings for she was tired of hearing those words. As I prepare myself for my nightly slumber I am surely unaware if I will be blessed with an awakening in the morning, but alas the last thing she will remember is telling me to stop!

So as I lay here, sniffing the smell of lemons, feeling the great peace and comfort I can only hope that I live another day to NOT tell her that I love her, and that she will never regret telling me to stop......