Monday, February 22, 2010

Drunk people, assholes, shitty parents, liars. . . . .


. . . . You know what FUCK ALL OF YALL!!! The world shouldn't have to put up with you I mean yeah I ain't talking about getting drunk while @ the club and going home and sleeping it off!! Naw I am talking about those who wanna get drunk just cause the day of the week ends in day! I mean getting drunk just cause you woke up this morning and wanted to get drunk, or getting drunk driving and killing a entire family. FUCK YOU!!! I wish there was a place where you drunk could go and never come back fuck you, no one needs to put up with your shit, no one needs to be put in danger because you want to drive while fucked up, GO TO HELL!! I mean no I don't wanna be up all night cause you getting drunk every day, staying up all night I am starting to HATE drunk fuckers I swear, a drunk ruined my childhood and now she's trying to fuck over my adult life making me want to move far far away I swear I can't do it any longer I just can not!

Now lets move to these assholes, people that do what ever the hell it is they want to do.....walk into a store you see a line fuck it just walk to the head of the line, driving and you don't wanna stop at a stop sign NO DON'T STOP why that sign is for ME and all those like ME! It means nothing to you at all. Like let's talk about these fucken shit eating cops out here in the burbs that HATE BLACK people, but you'd think they'd lose their jobs ooohhhh hell no hating black people comes with the job. YOU most hate them to be a cop out here because if you don't who are you going to fuck with when you're bored silly cause nothing happens out here? YEAH THE NIGGERS!!! Well FUCK COPS, ASSHOLES and all others like you!!! YES I am pissed and venting and I don't give a fuck who I upset!!!

More pitiful is shitty parents, NOW YOU NEED TO BE KILLED IN PUBLIC on NATIONAL TELEVISION!! Who the fuck gave you the right to fuck over your children?? I mean because you were a whore, slut or piece of shit that wanted to bust a nut no one told you to even have sex let alone have children, than treat them like shit. Abuse them, leave them in the streets, or just out right fuck them around so that they can have shitty adult lives. I wish that there was a law that people could kill you in public if you in public if you were caught abusing your children. I mean yeah we can give your simple ass a trial but that's just it fuck jail time, public death should be the outcome of that. I mean yeah!!! And liars I wanna put it like this you could do anything else in life but to me a liar, child abuser they are the world's biggest fucking losers.......I have no concern for these punk ass fuckers......this has been a blog brought on by anger and I am now feeling better!!!!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Alone even in a crowd . . . . . .


. . . how the hell does this happen? I mean not saying that I'm always surrounded by people, but I am rarely alone yet when it comes to my feelings I am all alone. My wants and desirers are mine and mine alone, I have no partner, no significant other sharing my dreams with me, as a matter of fact the people I want don't even want me back. Those that I thought I had something in common with turned out to be crazed liars, or just up, down and turned around in their own lives like "her". I wanted so much for my life, children (more than one), love, laughter, happiness, family, closeness, growth (together), someone who would at least like something that I like. I mean out of all the things I love in this life just one thing in common with me, maybe painting, drawing, collecting, books, writing, blogging, pictures, outdoors, hugging, children, something!! I mean damn it!! I am turning thirty-five in less than two days without having a second child, without having a love interest in my life, without owning my own home, without publishing my first novel, without anyone to share my inner most feelings with besides my fucking therapist. I mean I know this probably happens to people everyday in life, they aren't living the life in which they had once desired. But this is me, this is my time, this is my time to beat the hell outta myself for not finding a path that worked for me and sticking to it. I haven't completed the things that I wanted, I haven't gotten what my hearts desires. As long as I live I know that there is always time to complete many of these tasks, however sometimes it just comes down to giving up on somethings that aren't in your plan.
When I try to talk about these things with people they're never understanding of my plight. I mean with things going the way they are in this world most people are just thinking about money, money and more money. Than the others are thinking about party, party, party. I am just let here in this spot where I don't care for a party, or money doesn't rule my mood, my life or my daily thoughts. I mean YES, we all have bills, needs, things that come up, living day to day does require financial backing (lmao) but it's like Rev. Mike said my tatooist, "money does not control my happiness." That is just like that for many people, and I want things that aren't just about that, they can't be bought with throwing cash at them. . . . no one has ever been able to buy a ride or die friend. Maybe I'm just bitching, I hate when people bitch too, just makes me sick I should just man up and do what I need to do........I don't mind being single so that can be crossed off the list I am proud that I am not desperately seeking someone I may be foolishly giving of my emotions, love and kindness something that I must STOP!! But other than that I can start right now at making my life's dreams a reality.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

February 18, 1975 (reposted from my tumblr account)



In the year 1975, the average Cost of new house was $39,300.00 US dollars. In February of that year a baby girl was born, in Abington, Pennsylvania (a suburb of Philadelphia) in a hospital with the same name. Many years prior to this baby girl’s birth Abington Hospital refused to deliver “colored” babies inside the hospital, they delivered them on the porch of the hospital. Fast forward 2008, white woman gives birth in same hospital but tells staff “No Black staff member is to touch her baby,” > Back to 1975 this baby girl is the second daughter born to her mother, an the unknown number of children born to her father. >Fast Forward to this baby girl’s seventh year of life her mother tells her that she wanted to abort her, but that the girl’s father thought it would be “Good” for the mother’s first daughter to have someone to play with. >Back to 1975, the average Income per year $14,100.00 US dollars. The baby girl’s first few years were spent living with her parents, but she was taught all her firsts by a woman who sat for her.

She was potty trained, transitioned from bottle to sippy cup, her sister whom walked before crawling was taught to crawl by this care taker. Her parents rented out a small apartment in the Willow Grove area, the average Monthly Rent was $200.00. The baby girl’s maternal grandfather was a hustler and dwelt in illegal events, many which had to do with the car dealership in which is was employed. He arranged for her mother to obtain a new vehicle for a small price. In 1975 the cost of a gallon of Gas was 44 cents, while the average cost of a new car was $4,250.00, a fraction of what the baby girl’s parents paid for their new vehicle.

During this time there was many things taking place in the world, soon to be recorded in history such as in the UK The British Conservative Party chooses it’s first women leader, Margaret Thatcher. In Vietnam the war ends as Communist forces take Saigon and South Vietnam surrenders unconditionally. While in the United States, New York City avoids bankruptcy when President Gerald R. Ford signed a $2.3 billion loan, also the US Pulls out of Cambodia. While the unemployment rate in the US reaches 9.2% and recession is recognized by President Ford. There was also, the first ever strike by Doctors in the US, which caused hospitals to reduce services. Jimmy Hoffa ex teamsters boss disappears never to be seen again, Patti Hearst becomes most wanted and is arrested for armed robbery. Meanwhile the United States moves along within the field of technology, Bill Gates and Paul Allen develop a BASIC program for the Altair 8800, The name “Micro-soft” (for microcomputer software) and Microsoft becomes a registered trademark. BIC launches first disposable Razor. Sony introduces Betamax videotapes and Matsushita / JVC introduces VHS. Cray-1, the first commercially developed supercomputer, invented by Seymour Cray.

Back to the birth of this baby girl, years pass by her parents hustle a bit to get things they wanted or needed. Her mother is arrested for dragging an Abington police officer during a routine traffic stop in which this baby girl bites the hand of the police officer as he’s hanging onto her mother’s automobile. Her mother is arrested and serves sometime in a correctional facility, something the girl briefly remembers only in bits an pieces that appear as if they were a dream to her.

A few years later her mother moves away from her father as she grew weary of the physical fighting. This girl is no longer a baby her mother settles into a quite neighborhood in Philadelphia where the young girl started to attend elementary school. Around this time the girl’s mother meets a man, she begins what turns out to be a twenty-five year long relationship. This new man, introduces the girl’s mother to alcohol, cocaine and marijuana. The girl’s mother becomes careless, abusive, mentally as well as verbally. The mother begins to beat her two daughters until she passes out or they are beat to the point of being severely injured. The man her mother is dating is married, unemployed and sells narcotics in order to make a living for his wife, children, and what money he contributed to his “girlfriends on the side”, and their children. The man uses large amounts of cocaine, he abuses the girl’s mother between there loud sexual get episodes. The girl visits her father on some weekends, during this time her father was living off of his father, who was a string proud grandfather, a former First African American police officer of the Abington, PA police force and former Tuskeegee airman and Corporal. This young girl’s father was also unemployed and sold drugs to feed his own drug habits as well, without providing any type of support for the many children in which he had fathered over the many years, including the ONLY two children that he saw on a regular basis.

Over the next twenty-five years the girl grows into adulthood, without much formal lessons about life from her mother nor father. The abuse continued the entire time, the many men came and went from her mother’s life with the one remaining the same off and on throughout the years. Her mother’s drinking gets worse causing her mother to be raped, robbed, crashes into a front wall of a hospital nearly killing herself, breaks limbs, is beaten in a bar attack, suspended from her job and sent to rehab two times, one for coming to work drunk, she totals several cars, moves herself and children to many different places within the city, has sex with a man while her two daughters are in the bed with her, rapes her sister along with her sister’s boyfriend while her two children are in the home listening, crying, and scared.

In the year 2010 the baby girl who has turned into a woman prepares to turn thirty-five years old. Having become a mother herself, a non drinker/drug user, single lesbian, formerly in three abusive relationships, always ending up in relationships with self centered, abusive mentally/physically, always giving, rarely receiving, soft spoken, clinically depressed, with a powerful uncontrollable anger streak. Who would give freely of herself with pride and joy. Talks a little to much to strangers, has given money to people she’s never known, bought things for people who barely know her, loves with all her heart, cries upon hearing of someone in pain, need, or illness. She works hard, is underpaid, rarely appreciated for what she does over and beyond what’s asked of her, still plays with toys by herself, read/collects comic books, was only truly in love once which didn’t work out pushed her to the brink of insanity. Paints pictures no one sees, draws cartoons that no one reads, smiles while no one watches, sits in silence watching others while they complain of nothing, hates liars/lies, is always turned off by unappreciative people, often has crushes on people that don’t want her, goes to sleep feeling like the day was wasted, awakes with the sign of the cross and thanks God every morning. Is afraid of heights, small places and dying alone. Cares not what people think of her, because she has come a long way, and in four days she’ll celebrate her birthday which will go on without much fanfare and probably forgotten by the people that brought her into this world!!!

Happy Birthday baby girl, I love you!!!

Monday, February 8, 2010

A Blog for Becky Boucher


Yeah, we grow up, we forgive, we move on, but damn we lost out on an amazing time in our lives. As I sit here I think about a little girl that went to school with my daughter, my daughter and I had been praying for this girl that attended school with her. Her name was Becky Boucher, she was in the fifth grade only ten years old, suffering from bone cancer. Despite two and a half years of treatment and millions of prayers Becky died this past weekend on Saturday the 6th. Today I cried for Becky, I cried for a life lost, a family broken, a mother mourning her baby girl. Becky had a short childhood filled with friends, fun and love yet she was battling a big disease. She was a brave child and thinking of her made me hold my own daughter tighter today, made me kiss her face, made me sit an stare at her. Life is so fragile, people are so forgetful about that fragility of life. Reading of Becky's struggle made me spread the word to people, not only to pray for Becky but to love someone the right way. Cherish them, tell them their loved, hold them, talk to them in a kinder way, and be thankful for the time you have with them. I thank Becky and her family for sharing their lives, their struggle, and their story with others to help us to appreciate everyone around us, and to get to know about those dealing with issues of death daily.
Something most be done to defeat this horrible thing called "Cancer", it's ruining families, taking friends, mommies, daddies, sons, daughters, this is something that no one can hide from or even prevent. When it's name is mentioned we all shutter to think, about the damage it has and can do. I started typing this blog with so much on my mind but these are the thoughts that have taken over for the evening. For tonight I will once again prey for Becky, not only her but for a cure or the release of a cure that may have already been found. Also tonight I will call someone I love yet haven't told lately, hug my child, and thank my God for this day and all that I've been given.
Rest now sweet Becky, your battle is not lost, but you've won your wings while flying above remember these things, people you don't even know are thinking of you, this place you've left could not contain your spark, now with the Lord your free to shine bright without limitations of that former shell. I have chosen to end this right here not for lack of words but lack of sight my eyes are filling with liquid prayers. . . . . . . .

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Until my last breath. . . . . . . .


I will be a person living. . . . . . . . I remember watching the MTV show 'REAL WORLD' and there was actually a season that I tried to be on the show, it was the San Francisco season. They actually picked an openly gay male that was HIV positive named Pedro Zamora that season. I was not picked of course being as the 'REAL WORLD' never has any fat people on any season after what like 19 years? FUCK MTV!!! & FUCK VIACOM Meanwhile I received like the many thousand that were not picked I actually received a post card with a picture of the cast on it, like FUCK YOU these are the people we liked!! Any way I watched the season and remember Pedro well, he was probably one of the more normal & sane people on that entire season. But I remember his drive and passion to educate others about HIV/AIDS, he took to it as if that was what he was meant to BE in and with his life. Pedro said something that I've always thought about, he said "until my last breath I will be a person living with HIV." Not dying but living with HIV!!
This kept me mindful from risky sex but even more than that, I often wonder what I would be taking with me to my last breath. I mean will I actually embody all that comes with the pseudo Internet nick name that is Real0ne? I mean will I get better at telling people what they need to hear? Or will I succumb to this sweet like a candy cane sucker that my stripper ex Shea told me that I am minus the sucker part? Will I always end up meeting these strong willed hot woman that turn out to be user and abuser of my soul? Will I finally finish the novel which has been four years in the making? Will I be known as the writer, poet, social activist and child advocate that I want to be known for? What will I take with me to the grave? Will I be a person remember during Black history month, or representing at a LGBT pride parade in some city one day? I want to be known for more than my struggles, my pain, my past, my failures. I don't want to go down in history as the daughter of an abusive drunk and a former drug dealer/user, or as a former partner of a physically abusive female chemist, or the college drop out, or even as the baby mama to a lying, weed smoking pastor who's fathered three illegitimate children.
I breath in deeply before I close my every night as a person who risks death with every sleeping moment I spend without using my cpap machine, I know that God knows my heart but every day I waste my time, not using my talents probably angers him. I need to be living my goals every day, I need to be walking in my glory instead of pushing it off until tomorrow. I shall sleep tonight and awake tomorrow running instead of sprinting towards my goal, hell maybe after I type this last word I will start with the goals in which I have laid out before myself. So that I can be living my dream until my very last breath!!!