Alone even in a crowd . . . . . .

. . . how the hell does this happen? I mean not saying that I'm always surrounded by people, but I am rarely alone yet when it comes to my feelings I am all alone. My wants and desirers are mine and mine alone, I have no partner, no significant other sharing my dreams with me, as a matter of fact the people I want don't even want me back. Those that I thought I had something in common with turned out to be crazed liars, or just up, down and turned around in their own lives like "her". I wanted so much for my life, children (more than one), love, laughter, happiness, family, closeness, growth (together), someone who would at least like something that I like. I mean out of all the things I love in this life just one thing in common with me, maybe painting, drawing, collecting, books, writing, blogging, pictures, outdoors, hugging, children, something!! I mean damn it!! I am turning thirty-five in less than two days without having a second child, without having a love interest in my life, without owning my own home, without publishing my first novel, without anyone to share my inner most feelings with besides my fucking therapist. I mean I know this probably happens to people everyday in life, they aren't living the life in which they had once desired. But this is me, this is my time, this is my time to beat the hell outta myself for not finding a path that worked for me and sticking to it. I haven't completed the things that I wanted, I haven't gotten what my hearts desires. As long as I live I know that there is always time to complete many of these tasks, however sometimes it just comes down to giving up on somethings that aren't in your plan.

When I try to talk about these things with people they're never understanding of my plight. I mean with things going the way they are in this world most people are just thinking about money, money and more money. Than the others are thinking about party, party, party. I am just let here in this spot where I don't care for a party, or money doesn't rule my mood, my life or my daily thoughts. I mean YES, we all have bills, needs, things that come up, living day to day does require financial backing (lmao) but it's like Rev. Mike said my tatooist, "money does not control my happiness." That is just like that for many people, and I want things that aren't just about that, they can't be bought with throwing cash at them. . . . no one has ever been able to buy a ride or die friend. Maybe I'm just bitching, I hate when people bitch too, just makes me sick I should just man up and do what I need to do........I don't mind being single so that can be crossed off the list I am proud that I am not desperately seeking someone I may be foolishly giving of my emotions, love and kindness something that I must STOP!! But other than that I can start right now at making my life's dreams a reality.