Fat Girls

....hooray you’re are so freaking gay! Okay movie time....cut right to the chase, Monday brought out the “girls” scrreeeeeeeeecchhh!!! Oh wait there was only one girl though....lol! Yes it’s another LGBT film this time it was the cute low budget feature film “Fat Girls” the movies tag line reads; “Why fit in when you can come out?”, so very true. However it happens to be a cute movie a few comedic lines and scenes fell short of their mark but the dance scene made me laugh my ass off.

This is a story about two friends one straight girl the other a gay male just trying to get a date to the school dance. It’s filled with some poor acting, lame camera work, a bit of confusion with the scene set ups, but it’s cute. I really liked this one, but of course there was no true gay love featured in here just a little more of the closeted gay male hiding himself from society. But it was all there hanging out...literally.

I think it’s great that a movie like this is around for young LGBT people coming up there’s maybe somethings in here that they could get out of it. Not a sleeper, I didn’t pass out not once during this one, but it seemed a little short also. Check it out and learn all about your inner fat girl!!!

OOOPPSS....

I want to apologize for much of the errors in my writing I often write to fast and NEVER prof read what I've written my apologies go out to all that read what I write I will try to get better at it.

Thanks.....

A Home at The End of The World

Another gem I ran into on Friday night was this movie with beautiful Colin Farrell playing alongside of Robin Wright, Dallas Roberts and Sissy Spacek. Another LGBT movie I had never even heard of but was surprised to find out that I really really enjoyed this film. Despite the fact that it’s something to be watched with someone to cuddle with (which we know I have NOT) or a good snack and a box of kleenex. It starts from the childhood of the character of Colin Farrell as a child living with his family brother, father and mother. He lives through a very sad and tragic childhood only to end up with one of the most amazing families of one of his male friends. He finds a lovely connection with his friend’s mother played by a beautiful Sissy Spacek who’s own childlike qualities brings out the most amazing side of her.

The two friends separate for sometime than end up reuniting and creating another family bound and connection with one another. Set in Cleveland Ohio than moving to New York City, this film just keeps sucking you in with every move. Many of the few sex scenes for some reason just turned me on.....but that’s for another day. This film was much different than any of the others I've seen but also reminded me a lot of the film entitled Threesome with the two males and female college students sharing a suit together. The love triangle also is very much simiilar as well. However much of the tragedy is a lot deeper, sadder and much more compelling than in the light hearted film Threesome.

Again I have yet to have my faith restored in the fact that I will ever find true, happy or SANE love living this LGBT life. This film also was a tear jerker, it just tugged at my heart and left my pillow wet for the evening, and no that’s not in a good way. "A Home at The End of The World" was well worth my time, however it’s not the happy go lucky love story that I was looking for. This just goes to show me that living the LYFE isn’t one that is very easy. Despite the fact that many try to pretend to be hardcore into this life, I also see why so many people try to leave open that door to always be able to jump back out when things get a little hot. But for those of us who can’t (not for lack of trying) but because we soon rather eat elephant shit than live a life of lies or add extra misery to our lives by trying to be something that we weren’t made to be. Maybe film makers and writers that are LGBT just write about that in which they see, hear of live this is just the pure lives of what we all must deal with.

As I look back over my past relationships I just don’t understand, there was nothing I could’ve done better, or changed except the decisions of being with the people I decided to be with. I have never tried to be someone I wasn’t unless I was trying to be someone that didn’t care, or someone that was more aggressive than I actually am. I have finally stopped trying to beat myself to death for all those that I opened up to or joined into my life, I know now that I am not the only broken person out there, but in my case one of the only ones able to admit that fact. So I am living every day to tape, glue, or staple things back to where they should be. That’s all that matters in life is that we all claim our own shit and decide to do something about making it either go away or at least smell better.

Thanks for reading and as always be real with yourself, than be real to others. The world would be such a better place if we all just were a lot more honest......

The Line of Beauty

The Line of Beauty

Over the weekend I watched yet another gay movie in my quest to view just about every LGBT film that I can, actually every film ever made. I have tried many so far at least a hundred in the past few months, some I complete others don’t always make it. However I was pleasantly surprised to actually see some pretty damn good movies that I had actually never heard of before and were some great gay films. The Line of Beauty is a BC video and as I have started to learn a lot of gay films are made in other countries. This one was a lot better than the last one Before I forget the last gay film which was French and had subtitles, oh and let’s not forget it was very very slow depressing and helped to build no hope in the fact thatI would ever find love in my life ever!!

The Line of Beauty in many ways paralleled that of the man’s life in the French film, because both men weren’t able to find a true love to live out their lives with. Each man was hopelessly single and not by their choices either. However in the Line of Beauty the man was much younger and extremely handsome with crystal blue eyes. He was an openly gay male whom was invited to live with his college friend’s wealthy family. Over a period of about five years, this film told the story of this young man as well as the relationship he had built with the sister of the friend. The family appeared to be happy, loving an perfect on the outside however their issues were slowly pealed back as time passed.

There were also similarities in the way that gay males openly or freely engaged in sexual acts with one another. Many of the characters were living secret lives in which they played straight but lived secret lives of sex with men along with drug abuse. This film was set in the 80’s and many of the characters eventually ended up battling HIV or even dying from AIDS. So many had sex in bathrooms, or parks often not using protection even the woman with the were in relationships with weren’t using protection. Not only were the gay or down low individuals spreading their selves around even the father of the wealthy family wasn’t able to keep it in his pants or out of his young secretary.

This film was interesting just above a sleeper though, it was broken down into three episodes maybe that just being a European thing, who knows. However the movie was worth the watch I was drawn into the life of this young man, but only left again feeling empty because it once again shows the only LGBT life I know, and that is one of a lonely nice guy with a string of horrible lots in life and very few decent friends to get them by in life. I have truly got to get out there and find some more pleasant happier GAY films or I will forever lose hope in my big ole gay happy ever after.

Oh and the sex scenes....I don’t know what it is about two guys getting it in that just.......well let’s say I enjoyed it....just being real.

Before I Forget....(movie review)

I just decided that that were several movies that I had been watching, however none of them were any great gay or lesbian films. Since for the past few months I have been analyzing my life, my past, my future and my present, I noticed I really have not lived a very gay friendly existence. I mean aside from the many failed relationships I've had which all have been horrible examples of what a healthy relationship should be especially what a loving normal lesbian relationship should be. I mean it has really got me thinking that there isn't ever going to be a future for me that I'll find any healthy relationship. So in order to see happy times, healthy normal gay people I thought if I can't see them or meet them in real life, maybe there is hope if I look into films and documentaries. So one of my first films which hasn't been my first gay film aside from Better than Chocolate, Boys Don't cry, But I'm a cheerleader, As good as it gets, Another Gay movie and the adventures of two girls in love.

I recently watched Before I forget, which is a French film that has English subtitles. This is a film about a gay male in his sixties that is living with HIV and is a former gigolo. This movie had several of the French oddities in it, scenes which were long and drawn the hell out. Where the room was scanned slowly several times to reveal all the little contents to the viewer, it really would be a sleeper had I been particularly tired or sleepy at the time of viewing. It was a sad film with all the creepy undertones of a secret society of a bunch of men fucking each other all recklessly and once the main character reached his sixties he was left feeling empty and alone. It had a few sex scenes all shot in the shadows, just about every male shown was a gigolo, a former one or a user of their services.

The one thing about this film that I can say stood out is that I never want my life to end up as sad and lonely as his. However the way the men were throwing away all males above the age of forty to get with the younger ones was truly sad....as I reach ever so slowly towards my 40th birthday single and alone. I just hope to create a life worthy of an obituary. This film was slow sad and boring, and worth watch if you just want to watch a French film however I wouldn't recommend it to any one, unless their seeking to go to sleep

Baby steps to making friends/weeding out the bad ones...part one

I know that I have my issues...and they have been identified, diagnosed and are in the process of being treated! Judge me if you want I am ahead of more than 80% of the population. Because many people don't even admit that they have issues in the first place. I am not often as proud as I am right now of myself so this is actually something that is a step in the right direction. However there are a lot of work that has to be done on bettering myself.

Today I have decided that the way I chose people to add into my life has seriously got to change. I've always got a feeling about something, the way someone says, or does something or the goals, or lifestyle they live. I mean common sense things always pop out at you when meeting a person. However there's a gut feeling that goes along with this meeting of someone new.....I've actually had gut feelings that told me to NOT take people seriously yet later sometimes----------years down the line I am left broken and battered as if I have been the victim of some horrible rape! And lawd I KNOW people jumped all over poor Bella's ass when she compared being stalked by reporters to being raped. However someone playing with you feelings, your heart, your mind and especially when you have a child envolved, any person entering your life taking your friendship or any form of relationship lightly is a violation like no other. I don't want to be attacked, I don't want to ever be brutalized again. Now NOT to say that the person getting attacked provoked it in any way, but there is a way to at least weed out unwanted situations just by the way they may not feel right to enter into in the first place. I've felt this feeling....again I say and I ignored it just about every time. . . .now my heart, mind, body and soul are paying for this breach with severe pain.

Well there is a formula for finding friends and illiminating ones that are distructive to your life, however it's back to basics, back to some of the things your momma teaches about making friends....your momma mine was a bit hhmmmm shall we say busy for pretty much of my childhood probably why I suck ass at this friends thing....probably why my friends are just as abusive or absent in my life as she was-------> that's another blog for another time....any way back to the beginning....

1) common interests and common sense is that you choose friends by your interests, (ie I collect comic books, toys, and love to watch great movies) However since I am 35 and a lesbian that only leaves me with white males from the age of 10 to 60 which isn't my target area. But there are things that I don't like or do in my life, (ie. drugs, smoking, fucking around, clubbing, drinking) However I don't want to rule out everyone that is in this category because I would like to get laid again in life and this leaves out all the good sluts....but it is a base line for weeding out people that are undesirable to my life. Find someone that doesn't think that my interest are out right stupid or someone that has multiple hobbies that I am not into.

2) can't have the cooties, of stray away from the dirty unkempt children because you'll catch cooties. However this goes for those with unaddressed medical and mental issues. If someone openly appears or talks about things that are clearly a class five mental disorder in the DSMIV book than they need medication, therapy and some years in handling their situations before they can make anyone a good friend (joke about the class five thingy though) Dealing with people with past history of traumatic events as well as unresolved family or relationship issues truly shows that they are going to end up in a negative space sooner or later with you as well. Plus my past history with people with unresolved issues has actually turned out being very very bad and I always end up left alone cleaning up the mess after they've left.

3) Friends aren't mean to you NEVER be friends with anyone that is mean to you, or hurts your feelings over an over again. There are times as an adult that people will hurt you, people go through things all the time, but a friend should not make you cry, hurt your feelings, or just outright use you as a whipping boy.

.......OkAY I am blocked right now to be continued......

I found out on FACEBOOK

....Now Now facebook truly is the place where you can find out some things you'd never imagined and NO I am not talking about my recent fucking heart killing moment when I realized the woman that I was falling in love with all over again had been not only lying about being in a relationship with someone else but basically said that I ain't shit NEVER was shit and NEVER will be shit without her because...my apartment, car, 35 years of living had all been taken care of by her. AND even with this information I was still loving me some her willing to just move it along because God knows I need more people around me that belittle, or just outright hate that I breath air---->>> Life hurts! However moving right along, my BLOCK list on facebook is growing ever so long. I think that it's the best feature in the WORLD and EVERY social networking site should have it especially @TWITTER *hint hint* !! For those that don't know anyone and everyone on facebook has a button that it's called BLOCK is on the left hand side of the page several inches below their profile picture. This lovely feature let's you make someone disappear from your life all together, only if life had one also @God.... Any way you can have the same friends even, you can even reply to the same status posts and everything, they can't read what you type and you can't read what they type, they can never search you to find your page because it won't come up as long as their logged onto the page you blocked them from. Found out about this feature the hard way also, thanks hurt & pain for being there for a sister.

I was friends with an ex despite the fact that I had known she made up many of her stories, (because they made no sense what so ever also because the dates were always off exp. she claims to have been "common law" married to a man for 8 years until she was 22 years old 22-8=14 however when I meant her she was about 23 and had been with her girlfriend for 2 years, plus my ex and her were dealing with the same dude she claimed to be in love with him and that he was moving from Baltimore to Chicago to marry her, however he says he never meant her in person and that they were just Internet friends) Okay back to the story, I knew she was a lame, always seeking out the next girlfriend secretly dealing with males, however she would get hurt by these people, lose her job, her home all types of things while in between relationships. She always called me sad, lonely, broke, I had even went as far has buying her a plane ticket from Chicago to Philadelphia, knowing she was broke, fed her, entertained her the entire week she was here. When she got her job with Chase Bank she went through a few girlfriends and was always arguing with them, however she had promised me a paid for flight out there to Chicago. But with all that going on, at her end there never was any good time to come so she never made good on her promise. Well recently she did it again made all these promises, after getting another job a few months ago along with some chicken head girl she stopped calling, started spending money, taking trips and all. SO I the original wimp, decided that I had, had enough, I had posted a status directed at her but quickly removed it than emailed it to her directly. I told her I was done with her always calling me in need of money, help, a listening hear, and making all these promises only to break them one by one. Within a few moments she not only blocked all her numbers were deleted, the explanation was clear plain and straight to the point.

Now as for a someone I thought of as a friend in spite of the fact she'd "place me on time out" because she would say she didn't like my attitude. Now I was told once a long time ago to leave her crazy ass alone, than my most recent ex said to me "who the fuck does she think she is? I mean to put a grown as woman on time out, she complains about her life, family and relationship more than you do I wouldn't fucking be friends with her ass!" However since this information was coming from someone that let people she called friend make her cry, leave her high and dry or in a few cases drunk in the ghetto of Philly, I took it in one ear and out the other I've always known that no one is perfect and that's usually how I accept people, hence why I am always giving several chances for people to abuse the fuck outta me! Any way this one day I called her she decided to scream and holler about me much of what she said was totally not true however I sat listening to her scream because I was respectful of the fact that I considered her a friend even though all her actions over the last fifteen years YES 15 years had always shown she was selfish, always about herself, always on a power trip, always negative about her own sister's and father, yet when I tried to talk I was always over talked by her given her entire life drama. Which made this conversation so amazing to me, because she claimed I was always in a woe is me state always posting about everything negative to go on in my life. . . . .when I simply tried to ask her to name ONE or TWO negative things in my life that I was going through she couldn't even do so. . . .but continued on with her ranting. I listened she said barely anything that made sense to me, and she clearly spoke on things that could be checked for reference, my facebook stats, a friend and I both scrolled back over the months nothing.....this friend was even more drawn a blank that I was. Than she said I complained about my life, yet she couldn't state any lists of things that I had called her to speak about, also since all my calls are via a cellphone there aren't even many records of me even calling her much over the past few months let alone years. She's since been blocked, numbers deleted, everything done for good this time around.

So what I've learned is that there is a lot to learn from facebook, people are a lot of things however you never really know their "real" intentions until you read something from their inner minds. Whether it's a post, a comment, a link they add all these things tell you what a person is about, what they are interested in, what their political views are even if they don't fill out that part on their profile some point of view or another will pop out. I found out another high school friend is a racist, but probably didn't even know it, however black people eating chicken jokes aren't actually the most politically correct comments have on your page and this was a full blown conversation that happened on her page more than once even. Look it's easy to get quick sound bites into a person's mind via twitter or over a chat line, but facebook is where people seem to always fuck up, let out to much of their feelings towards something than end up losing a real life friend. My block list in long but there's no telling how long it'll get over a lifetime. . . . . .

See my life....

If I were a human camera, my eyes the lenses, my brain holds the sensor, my hands hold the pen which writes down the images, and life is the subject. I have been so many places, not as in reference to distance traveled, but emotions, situations, and circumstances. I've been lost, lonely, loved, lied to, hated, hurt, hindered, inspired, homeless, poor, beaten, abused, misled, sick, healed, blessed, the list could go on and on. The options haven't been many, the resources haven't been great but the ride has been something worth sharing.....so I write!

I can't take those images stored in my head, heart or soul and clearly print them out for all to see. But I can write what they looked, felt, and even smelled like. I can give you something on the same paper in which hold photos of some of the world's greatest events to ever take place, or some of the worst places to have ever been. I can place you right there with me, feeling the feelings I've felt, knowing the knowledge I know, being where I have already been. With the words on the paper I can out do Norman Rockwell any day, I can make the thousand words of a picture become the hundred thousand words of an actual experience. I can bring worlds together, I can tear them apart, I heal your pain or give you immense sadness. With the images I bring forth from my human camera you can see what I've got inside myself, you can feel what I've felt, you can experience my pain, laugh at my joy, embrace my experiences.

If once we would all take the time to become human cameras and write down the visions of where we've been, done, or seen, the world would have more understanding. If more understanding is brought fourth than so can more compassion, sympathy and concern. No longer would we all be blind to the places one another has been, the life we've lived or the things we've seen.

To be continued.......

Definition of LOVE for idiots....

......⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13

Stop the CHASE baby it'll come to you.......

In the past few months I have been there....my feelings have been hurt people I thought were my friends showed their TRUE colors, I have been broke, sad, hungry, scared, lonely, in pain, depressed, lost, found, misunderstood, used, abused, lied to, misrepresented, tested, tried, drained, I mean the list could go on and on. However I am NOT alone others have been going through with their own issues many handle things in different ways. But I watch "HER" and no "HER" isn't code for my recent ex or anything however "HER" is more than one person. It's a few woman that have been or are in my life at this time. I have been watching them chase the NEXT one as if their lives would be lost if they were forced to be single for more than a month or hell in one's case for more than a damn WEEK. I mean track shoes on chasing the next girlfriend, wife, relationship, or in many of their cases the next ex that they can bitch and moan about being such a horrible person.

I mean I understand lonely, I understand single trust me do I understand single she's my friend. What I don't understand in the lack of willingness of individuals to seek out change within themselves. I mean when you break up with someone that you "really" loved and cared for, how can you just simply move right onto the next victim with all the baggage that carried over from all the issues in which you recently dwelt with in that past relationship. I do understand that many people MANY don't even know what the hell the word "love" means and are just recklessly using it on random people hoping, seeking that they aren't ever called out on that bullshit! I mean come on if there were so many people in "love" than there wouldn't be so many people getting in and out of relationships like they get in and out of their underwear.

Bad enough their jumping from relationship to relationship, and not taking care of their core emotional issues, their also creating a situation in their lives that isn't really the best look for them in the long run. For example who wants to date someone that's been through more woman than Tampax? I mean once your been from her to her to her, what's going to happen when you finally find "HER"? Well there's going to be a problem are you really going to tell "HER" about the hundred or so other woman you've told that you loved, or that you've opened your legs to? Not to mention for these Dyke a day chicks, a dyke one day and a dick the next! I mean you're probably going to lie, or lie by omitting the many many many people of your past. I mean who really wants to settle down with the local whore? Who wants to proudly walk around down with the one woman that every ones had on their arm? So maybe you leave out a few woman, however what do you do about those people you've already been through? How do you get them to disappear, or forget that they too have test driven you? I've also been with her, that one that's been with so many people that she left out every single relationship she's ever had only for her closet to open and the bones to start spilling out right in front of me. So not only are you a hoe but a liar too, what a wonderful package, this here is my life living as a single lesbian, every woman I seem to meet, deal with or dwelt with has been going around like the local meals on wheels delivery person giving out a bit here and there, than of course lying by omission.

So as I watch "her" chasing the next ex, I feel like I am NEVER going to be in a relationship ever again, because here I am working so hard on me, every day a change is coming, every day work is being put in every therapy appointment, every step towards bettering myself is a step away from many of the "hers" out there that are still chasing someone. Instead of chasing betterment in their own lives, instead of chasing a change in how they see or experience the world around themselves. So I awaken and bless each day with the newness that is me.....and for now I'll do that all alone just wish I wasn't going through this on my own!!!!