She called me a "neurotic psychotic"; The Story of the Fake Profile Page

Okay not that I have a DSIV book tucked neatly away beside my bed, but I was completely blank after being called "neurotic psychotic," by someone that is unable to express any forms of gratitude, appreciation, love or admiration for someone that they had been seeing for over seven months. Now when I say "seeing" I don't mean just sitting there staring off into the face of another human being I mean dating, having sexual intercourse with, sleepovers, dinners, hand holding, receiving gifts, money, etc. How could someone devote so much time to someone & not even care about them is this even humanly possible? Yet it seems to be as she has expressed no feelings of friendship, no admiring, no deep liking for won't even call unless she's called first, would spend days at a time with me yet not even care once she was out of my presence about me or my child. Any way moving forward...
So of course I took the matter to dear old friend Google, Now Neurotic is described in a way that is common and EVERYONE born to human parents has a little of this in them, it's basically the simple stress that is caused by every day life. In some people it can be as simple as a fear of public speaking, or cause a person to be stressed about bills, eating, work, their body, their health or have many different anxieties. Neurotic or better stated neurosis is NOT something that can interfere with a persons day to day living. Now being psychotic or having a psychosis is just a symptom not an actual disorder. It is however a state that impairs thought, perceptions and judgement. This again is not directed or even linked to anyone particular mental illness depending on the severity it may require therapy along with medication, (which BINGO I am not hiding the fact that when I meant her I was already on meds & under going therapy) but again this is something that the every day average person can also experience. In my case YES I made a fake profile to prove to myself one thing and one thing only that I was RIGHT!!!

In the process of creating & maintaining this fictitious profile page on a popular DATING website I was able to learn a lot about the human condition, the thought processes of some people, which I feel will lead to several blogs about this same subject. I learned a lot from people, I learned more than I really cared to learn about people too. For the most part the one person in particular I learned about was myself, I am very intelligent I used this site to gain power of my mind to tell myself it was actually a good time to exit a relationship that was one sided, that was mentally, FINANCIALLY draining to my entire life. It's not that I didn't already know this however in the battle between heart and brain the heart won out big time. I would run to this person if they needed anything, give even when I knew that when I was need that they were never there to give to me. It's also crazy because despite my financial, mental or medical situations all that would have really helped was just some comfort or support however this person didn't even find me important enough to give me those simplistic FREE things. I was always after everyone on her long list, even when she befriended someone newly I fell far behind this person whom couldn't or didn't ever do anything financially for her probably wasn't even capable of doing any such things which always left me to believe that all she could receive from her was something physical. Even the people she called friends, gave most of her time to were also people who were no where near mentally capable of spelling even basic fourth grade words let alone hold any adult conversation. Yet here is where I stayed angry for over seven months because I was in so many ways the perfect person for her however she never thought the same as I. From creating this fake account I was able to finally realize that some people will never be in the same mind space as to match with their actual biological birth dates, so this also told me that I was wasting every bit of my fucking time...not only on this female but on this fake ass page in which I had created to catch her in yet another one of her weakly formed lies.
So in all this I added that I was suffering from a neurotic episode, I had been living within a lie, a sad tear filled lie, just because I thought that I should stay some where after investing so much time, money, especially money into this relationship. Now I feel that I am a fool, but like most educations in life they cost you something, I paid a lot for what I already knew and that is that people will use you up, spit you out and think nothing of what they've done to you. No matter how much they were also fucked over by someone else, no matter how much they lost in pervious relationships, they don't mind doing it to someone else just because it was done to them. Some people just have no feelings what so ever that's how they know terms like neurotic and psychotic because they have been deemed that before by a mental health professional.

To be continued....

Worst mommy EVER!!!

Fifty Shades of Puke

So I was randomly searching threw unseen posts and pages on facebook. I know we all go blah blah blah blah and bullshit bullshit bullshit over all the changes little Markie is making with his billion, million, or whatever amount it's really worth website, but there are over 400 hundred friends on my list so of course I don't see there posts daily that would be an insane amount of posts to sort threw. So this leads to nights like this when I am hopelessly unable to sleep when I check shit out on the low. Well, I was randomly looking threw my ex's page, yeah that's another blog as to why I'm friends with an ex actually there may be an ex or two in that list, any way, I got to thinking, now this isn't the first time I actually thought this however all of her ex's appear to look like individuals with down syndrome. Now I'm not making fun of the folks cursed with the life of living with such a horrible disorder may God bless them but we all know that they have very distinctive looking features everyone born this way. But I never knew until I saw some of the pictures of my ex's ex's that those born without this can also have those features so now I know that I have learned something in life now as I'm sleepless this leeds me to believe that I MUST have this look too because she was with me  

Any way another thing I learned is that there are several people that are subscribed to my page and I have no idea who the Hell they are. What is this about? Why would perfect strangers and in one or two cases people who are friends of friends want to subscribe to my page? I find that sorta odd and a little creepy. Only two of the people that are subscribed have actually sent me friend requests, one being my father who I refuse to accept the other being some weird red head dude who has nothing in common with me what so ever. Now why they allow this I'll never understand. Also I learned that people you've unfriended can remain subscribed to your public posts, why they would want to read shit you posted after you basically said they weren't good enough to be on your stinking friends list and get the news of your most recent shit or bad hair cut I don't know why they would want to read the scraps that you may or may not tag as public on your their damn feed anyway that's just weird.

Another thing I noticed is people that don't really give a shit about their children. Because I read a lot from some people about their mates, dates, boy/girlfriends but very little about their children. Don't people like their fricking children any more these days? I mean damn it's like where are the pictures? It's not something I notice with a lot of my friends with children it's just a few of them and I wonder a lot of times why that happens. There is something I will never understand about a person that can make a child an not care enough about them to at least think of them from time to time, I mean shit that's what separates us humans from the damn animals. 

Any way why is it that some of the ugliest people post the most pictures of themselves? I mean damn isn't one picture enough to left you know you look like shit an maybe just maybe that one pictures enough for everyone else to get the gist as well. Than as I'm scrolling I come across this picture that one of my lesbian "friends" actually happened to click the "like" button on, it was a picture of a lesbian that had a caption that read; "Dressing fly and getting money is what I do fuck bitches!" In the background of the picture was a bed covered with crap, there was a comforter that had this 1960s old funky couch print on it balled up on the bed, the carpet was filthy and littered with crap, there was an over turned fan laying on the floor, with junk shoved under the bed. Now I wanted so much to reply "Fuck dressing fly and getting money how bout cleaning that nasty ass room before you post pics of your lying ass standing in that filth!" Well, being as though it wasn't a person on MY friends list I just hit the "block" button on the dumb bitch that "liked" the picture, I figured I wouldn't want her as a fake facebook friend or a real life friend with such low standards that she was showing everyone she possessed. 

So all in all my extended time on facebook basically taught me that some people are just fucked up looking, some people are just fucked up living, some people are just fucked up reproducing and some people are just plain ole fucked up. No matter what they are there is someone for them out there, there is some asshole that likes them or loves them. Yet my ass can't get someone to like or love me to save my life!!! What the fuck is the world coming too???? 

Good Night From one misunderstood, unloved female until the next time!!!!