Sick of BS REAL comes to life!

What I really can't stand are people that are FUCKING MEAN!!! I'm talking people who are fucking mean like just fucking un-HUMANLY mean...people who have no right to be mean. It's always the person that NEVER has their shit together that's always judgemental, ignorant and usually DEAD WRONG! People that make other's cry, or second think themselves but yet are horrible examples of what a good, deceit person's life should look like. Even if you've got your shit together who makes you judge over anyone, however where are these people that actually do have their lives together? .......I'll wait for you to think of someone.......still waiting.......okay I give up cause you know this person does NOT exist. These people walk over people as if they've got all the friends in life that they'll ever need, speak of the Lord yet don't read the bible, or only quote the "popular" verses of the bible. These people think that they've invented life an no one has the right to live among them without their approval. I'm just so sick of these people that are of and from the world that know nothing about love, the roots or definition of love for someone else..as we're told to love one another! Why or Why Lord can't I find anyone like ME???? Someone who has fears and can honestly TALK about them, someone that would rather laugh than cry, someone that loves children, someone the reads books about philosophy, someone that's always trying to make themselves better, someone that doesn't think it's crazy to be kind, someone that understands that I love toys and collect them as if there pieces of rare art work, some that wants to cuddle yet doesn't force you to when you don't want to, someone that loves beautiful things like the out doors, trees, grass, lakes or rivers, someone that has compassion, someone that writes well, someone that has a working vocabulary but doesn't mind to talk like a ghetto head just for the entertainment, someone that doesn't get mad because I talk a lot and often converse with strangers, someone that doesn't mind living in a quite place with, someone that is just REAL at every waking moment and doesn't think that being real means being mean to someone......uughhhhh I'm drained and I know that I'll live my life alone and I'm willing to accept that. That is at their loss.........thank those assholes that ruined things.
My biggest big big big one are people that are ugly inside as well as out who have nasty attitudes as if they could have their pick of anyone out there. I mean do these people not look into a mirror with working eyes? These people usually talk about others, dress in expensive clothing however don't dress well, usually gossip, are party heads, usually claim to have so many friends but don't really have a true friend who'd wipe their ass if they no longer could. Uughhh I'm even to pissed off to continue this one......to be finished at another time........

Back to my cave......

When it's time to roll out and fold up, you have to just know when the right time is....and now RIGHT now in my life the time has come. I need to get back to me to my roots, to cater to my soul. For so long, woman have been the root of my desire and the root of much of my trouble or pain. We all need at times to refocus ourselves, anytime things start to be UN-happy for you....than time has come to fold it up!!

I have been in probably to many relationships, my mom once told me something like that. I have NEVER had a problem meeting people, having people like me or want me in any way shape or form. Whether it be when I was dreadfully dealing with males and thinking something was wrong with me because I was not thrilled or happy or even feeling like myself when I was dealing with a male. However I had no shortages of them, nor was I ever alone when I didn't want to be alone, never have I been sitting some where figuring out who to call when I was in need of company. The same has always been true for dealing with females. At times I have wanted to be without their attention. Nor can I remember ever crushing on anyone especially outside of elementary or high school. SO I am sure that anyone that reads my thoughts on a regular can understand that I am treading in an area in which I have no idea what I am doing. It has been a crazy few days but I am back on track again.

I am going to go back to the love of my life and stay there. I am sick of feeling the feelings I do, I need to work on having concerns for people or things that have no need taking up my time. Feelings that I wish I could just rip outta my brain have been like in the forefront of my mind an I'm truly tiring from this shit.

No one cares for the person inside of me BUT me...I often imagine what people would think, feel or say about me while I'm on my back in that coffin. And I've always thought that I would be missed or remembered for my loving, caring heart soul .......BULLSHIT!!! People rarely remember the nice ones....in life we're known to finish last so wondering how the hell the nice guy can actually come out on top....doesn't seem possible. Time to go back to my cave to regroup to recover to remind me of the true love in my life...GOD! I need to take so much time to give thanks than place my tears in the hand of the master. At least I know that my pain in going into the hands of the one that really cares about the nice guy for a change.

It called Crush because that's what happens to your heart...

We've all been there one time or another, some maybe more than others...it's called a crush. I mean throughout the centuries someone has adored someone else. I mean hell how do relationships start, these are the things that marriages are built on, babies on born as a result of, this is what makes life go round. Right? WRONG!!! Crushes are the worst feelings of all to have, there bullshit! I mean come on does the word even sound appealing to you? Crush, Cr-ush....I mean it doesn't even roll off the tongue as a remotely happy sounding word, so how the hell can this be a good thing? Well that's cause it isn't! It's the worst thing to be going through if you're the one with the crush on someone else!! I mean come on your full of some okay feelings I mean yeah their half assed good feelings...like fluttering in your chest, weakening in your knees, glee in your heart, maybe even elation at the thought of this someone. But really unless your the crush-ee not the crush-er your not on the good end. I mean the odds are stacked totally against you. The people who know that your feeling them are at the greatest advantage and trust me their going to let you feel it and know it every step of the way. Webster's defines crush in five different ways none of them sounding to me as "happy" or good things;
1 a : to squeeze or force by pressure so as to alter or destroy structure b : to squeeze together into a mass
2 : hug , embrace
3 : to reduce to particles by pounding or grinding
4 a : to suppress or overwhelm as if by pressure or weight b : to oppress or burden grievously c : to subdue completely
5 : crowd , push

Now with the exception of #2 many of these don't sound to great. You know why? Well I'm going to tell you these are usually the things that happen to your heart when you have a crush on someone. Come on, seriously now a days and even in the past people don't have a "crush" on someone than end up with that person. That's some complete and utter bullshit! People pick someone for their ass, or how much money they have, how pretty their face is, how sexy their body may be, or maybe what their position in life may be. Than they ask them out, and date them than maybe even than they don't click or even like the person. However for what ever superficial reason they still may give it another shot, than they may eventually develop feelings for the person or they're a complete asshole and they move onto the next victim.
When you've got a crush on someone your coming to them vulnerable with your hat in your hand asking them to consider you because you've already started feeling for them. Now a crush that's worth any bit of the title would be a situation where the crush-er not only likes what they've seen but some other aspect of the person's personality. Because if it were purely based on looks or appearances it's than entitled "infatuation" not CRUSH. You're even more likely to be luckier if your infatuated with someone than if you've got an old fashioned crush. You're looked at as weird or freaky when you've got a crush and you actually tell the person NNOOOOOO!! That's the worst thing you could ever do, people never understand why you'd like them and than you've left yourself with not only a crushed heart but their entire ass to kiss if you ever try to remain their friend. You'll forever be that creepy loser that likes me, every time you call or come around. Love, relationships are cruel things, they all eventually bring you to your knees maybe what God truly intended which is why there the way they are.
Blessed are those that stand alone for they aren't truly alone but have God beside them....maybe I should get my head outta my ass and get on my knees where I belong!!!

Not as good as I used to be.......

Look At Me

Here I am, no where near you further away than I care to be,

more than anything I desire to be seen by only you.

I try to place myself in your life with hope of becoming a fixture,

more than anything ever I want for you to look at me.

Awaking in the night with dreams of you fresh on my mind,

they plague me even preoccupying my waking time.

The thoughts of you and the pain you've been through,

push me to the point of showing you, you're a rare find.

Within me there are wonders of all kinds, a golden heart,

a sweet smile, a kind soul, a lovable personality.

A future filled with happiness, dedication, tenderness and romance.

Unclaimed these things remain cause you won't even look at me.

....Used to be a writer....

I remember when I was younger I loved writing, I would sell reports to kids at my high school for only ten bucks a piece. They never got anything lower than a B, or B- if that low. Well now a days they don't even use grades any more or that is at least what my daughter's fourth grade teacher is telling me. Grades have been replaced now with things like proficient, and need improvement some jazz like that. So much has changed, as life rolls onward. Any way I used to make up and write short stories and fantasy stories about all kinds of things. But my favorite was poetry, I hated to read it but loved to write it, once a teacher of mine entered one of my poems in some local news papers writing contest. She had told me only after she had done so, she also told me that I had won the contest, I was young and really honestly didn't care much for this English teacher. Her words went in one ear and quickly out the other. It was years before I ever really cared about what she had said. So much time had passed and my life had been filled with so many disappointments and failures, that this information had become important to me. Something I had also done was written a poem that was published in a book of poems, this too was something I didn't even care about until later in life. Sometimes I sit with pen in hand or fingers over the keyboard and try so hard to write poems, poems like the ones I had written that people thought were so beautiful. I guess at the time I was just letting out some of the emotions I had never expressed as a child, for me it was nothing but for others they were a source of beauty or enjoyment. Now I wish I could look at some of those works to use them to reflect on what was going on at the time, or to even show my own child. It's just the same for my drawing, I'd draw such funny things yet never kept a collection for myself, even now I usually mail them off inside of letters to my best friend Kenny in Federal prison or my soldier that I adopted. I feel like they would give them greater joy because of the places in which they have to deal with at this time in their lives. My older sister Nicole helped make a book to place my drawings in, we used about half a ream of paper and we took it to Kinko's where she used to work and they placed two cardboard covers on it, than bound it with this spiral thing to make it into a large sketch book like. Even with that I barley draw in it, I usually opt for a single piece of paper and pencil, than later mail it off.

I want to be able to go back to writing for pleasure, or even drawing to collect for myself. Maybe paint myself of picture and hang it up for others to see, admire the fact that I do have a God given talent besides being a person that just gives gives gives and takes care of others. I would love to be known for much more than just that. I want people to see the beauty that I see inside my head when I put wonderful words together, but they just don't seem to come out right. The thoughts just don't translate to words, paper or screens the way they do in my head. Somethings just not clicking the way it should! I mean writing is my first love, I broke my cherry at like nine years old with a type writer, an a little story named "Pickled Pink". It brings laughter to my heart just thinking about that little twenty five or thirty paged story in which I put together in my mind, it just flowed out my finger tips like life water flowing from a water fall. Where is that desire, passion, drive, skill and beauty that I used to possess?

Fuck Feelings......Secret life of ME!!

You know if you've ever seen the movie the Secret Life of Bees you would know the characters by now pretty well and if you've never seen it what the fuck can I say GO SEE IT!!! Any way Sophie Okonedo plays the sister to Queen Latifah and Alicia Keys who are playing the roles of the Boatwright sisters. They are also known as the woman who make the best honey is this little town. Now Sophie Okonedo plays May Boatwright the very special and very sensitive younger sister. In this film she is known as the emotional sister that cries because she feels the pain of everyone that she comes in contact with or hears has had a sad or tragic incident take place in their lives. The Boatwright sister's June and August created a wall of rocks in which their sister May would go to with tiny slips of paper and write down on them whatever made her sad. Any way for those that were able to see the movie know what happens to May in the film, no I have not been thinking of doing that to myself, but I feel like May each and every day of my life. May Boatwright made me feel like I was watching myself in full right in front of my own eyes. I try so so hard to become some cold hearted person and ignore what I see here and feel all around me, but it doesn't work. I don't want to cry for the children that were born to parents that don't want them, but if I had the money or the home huge enough to house them all I would take them into my home. I don't wanna like people that are in need of a friend, they don't always turn out to be the very best people for me. I don't want to care for the cat that was found ducked taped from head to paw but I did....I don't walk through a cemetery I mourn for those lives that were lost especially when they were very young....I don't want to watch the news and hear about the child beaten to death by her father and step mother. For all these stories I shed tears I feel pain I feel anger and remorse.

I meet people that I may have never been able to meet often, many people seem to take befriending strangers as a game of sorts, however I care when I shouldn't I like when I'm not liked, I love hard, when I am just a temporary object of entertainment for someone just passing the time while at work or on the bus, or in a classroom or board at home. I feel when others are able to use me as a source of laughter, or momentary thrills. For this I say fuck love, fuck it hard and long without any tenderness or care. Fuck love for everyone who's heart flutters when someone enters a room, fuck love for everyone that breaths a deep breath when their phone rings and it's that person, fuck love for everyone that's ran over the cellphone minutes talking for hours on end to someone they swear they'd spend the rest of their life with, fuck love for everyone who's hairs stand on end at the smell of their sweet perfume, fuck love fuck love fuck love fuck love fuck love fuck it and damn it to HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

......We got so close yet we're so far away

Okay so it's like this in life we may see someone in passing and think oh there goes a pretty person...all along wondering if they're as pretty inside as they are outside. We may never get to know those answers. However in the modern world we've set up situations for ourselves where we meet random strangers on purpose and end up getting intimately entangled in their deepest thoughts...I mean may it be via 140 characters or less, or a tagline via AIM, yahoo or live. We may have 3 blocks separating us or 3000 miles, but via that PDA, cellphone, handheld, PC or mac they've become as close to us as the skin on the palms of our hands. The words reaching us as fast as sight, their emotions touching us right where we sit....their they are with us, as if their breathing the same air in the same room, looking at the same view and feeling the same temperatures. Their right there. With more ease than it takes to go speak to my neighbor I can speak to someone in a neighboring state. This technology has made communication with anyone at anytime a breeze. But it hasn't made anyone a better person at communication, or at making friends or making relationships. See we seem to think that now since the unemployed freelance writer can become friends with the most powerful CEO of a publishing company via the net. That doesn't mean that the net can change people and make them something their not. We all long for some type of human connection if not myspace, facebook, twitter and many other networks like it wouldn't be so popular. Yet we're all yearning for these connections yet we're not learning how to be a good connector. We meet people from all walks or life, we share our thoughts our feelings and what we are doing, yet we haven't learned to treat one another better. We meet people from all walks or life and everyone has a story to tell, yet we think our story is more tragic or more important than the nexts so we lack compassion. We share our wants, desires and sometimes even pictures or our families. Sometimes through these connections we get a little closer than just words on a screen, or pictures on a monitor, we exchange numbers and converse late into the night. We may than begin to bare even more of ourselves, life stories are painted with more vivid details, feelings are felt more stronger than just some passing momentary glance at a screen. We now begin to place a voice to the face, a government name to replace the catchy fake one, a more intimate time is spent between one another. While I'm walking down the streets of Philly, she strolls through central park, or rides the metro that runs beneath the District of Columbia. Yet we're together in thought or conversation. I can see what she sees and hear what she has just heard, I can be with her while she's miles away neither of us ever feeling alone. I can sit on my toilet in Willow Grove, PA while someone's standing on the shores of a beach in Palm Springs, FL yet I can read what their doing and even see the waters edge. We've become so close yet there's still so much that keeps us so far apart. I lay in my bed and write words for anyone to see, thinking of her and wondering if she's thinking of me.............