What if you’re suffering was to save me?

What if you’re suffering was to save me?

I have the advantage of having in my life a woman that I think highly of, I see her only once a year for some government business. Never the less this woman is one of the most amazing souls that I have meant in all my life. Her words are powerful, they give encouragement, enlightenment, peace, insight and power to my soul. At one of the meetings with her, she spoke of her dying sister. She said that her sister spoke of her pain, and like many in life faced with such circumstances she asked “why me?” So this woman said to her sister, “what if your suffering was to save my soul?” This woman than spoke about how she watched an older handicapped neighbor sit outside every day, she spoke to him and said to him you don’t know how many people look outside and see you every day, and which of them is getting something out of your life.

From this I often wondered why, why do I have to do daily battle with this depression, OCD, Anxiety? I mean people can’t see any signs outwardly that there is anything wrong with me. I mean it causes no outside deformities or signs that can be seen by the another’s naked eye, this causes more confusion than one would ever think. See people only seem to feel an understanding for the things that they can physically see another person going through. People usually aren’t concerned with a suffering that they can’t see for themselves, they are usually good at assigning sympathy for some ailment that can only be scene.

Well peel back my skin, crack into my skull, extract my brain can you see it now? Probably not but that’s more on the lines of the dramatic effect that people can understand that you’re dealing with a battle. I am at war and if anything I go through can save someone else from losing a battle within themselves or the course of their lives than I would have found hope, I would have found triumph and victory in my war. I would know that all the tears I’ve cried, all the struggles I’ve had, all the times my mind wanted one thing and my heart wanted another, all the people I’ve pushed away, all the people that have pushed me away because I wasn’t this perfectly happy thankful being, won’t all the just be for naut??? It would serve to save a life, a heartache, a tragedy, a loss and someone some where would gain victory through my war.

...a lonely walk

As much as I enjoyed the view, your touch, your time, your words I am left not where I had started but now even further behind in my goals. The view was distracting, but not mine to enjoy. The view was tempting but something many were aloud to lay eyes upon. The view was amazing, but left me looking for something that made the smile on my face an in my heart last longer than a fading glance. The view was of the devil, something that I wanted to see but that lead me away from the beauty already around me.

The touch was softer than cotton, creamier than fresh churned butter, and sweeter than a sugar cane. Within it I would've lived out my life, within it I could have died, within it I could have lost my sorrows. However within it I was lulled into a false sense of comfort and hope. Within it I found my dreams becoming nightmares, my accomplishments becoming failures, my desires becoming unfruitful. My fingers longer for such a touch, however to go deeper beyond the package I found damages unclaimed, heartache unhealed, love given away to freely, hatred for ones self and demise to the temple that God hath built to be worshiped. Within this touch I was tainted, tempted and lost, for it was just as deep as the puddle that lays upon the ground. This touch wasn't for me to rejoice in but to be pulled into and lost from my path.

The time was short, but left bitter sweet memories, of something that wasn't real but only for me to see. Time that was taken from the walk I had started long ago, losing my way was only but a distraction from the peace in which my soul had been longing. Time that can't be taken back but only consumed by the devilish thoughts that used up this space. Time that I could have saved my own self from the fortress of distress that my heart now lives in. Time that I could have used begging my God to forgive my missteps, for his guidance I still need to get pack to my walk.

Now that my focus is back, my soul is more weary than that of a young slave child. My path is that of the lonely one who lays all alone, making my way towards my goals. Alone in the night, scared of the dark, as a child forced to grow up much to fast, I look towards my path and embrace this simple task. For I am the only one who has to walk in these shoes, for my size isn't yours, nor is my destination. For one day you'll find your end is not where mine is to be, the love I had for you is as real as life to me, the time I spent was well worth the lesson learned, the devil has many distractions to come, with my eyes bound and focused I shall bypass everyone!!!

F&*k The B^&ch !

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=33ApxEreuR4

Always an Option

when you find that someone's always putting you in here when they want someone else but pulling you out when they bored, maybe it's time to just empty the trash in your own life!!!

JUST LET IT BE...

Never could understand the need for a title for somethings until I no longer had a "thing" needing a title!! Yeah confusing huh??? Well I had this girlfriend, well female friend, well woman friend...uummmm well let's put it like this, she was a woman and a friend and the feelings I felt for her were much more than any friend I have now, will ever have or had at that time! See I wanted to lay claim on another human being, which isn't exactly possible, I mean since slavery was abolished right? It's easy to claim a family member as being your family, a friend as being your friend, but a relationship beyond friend but less than married, or even boy/girlfriend. Isn't so easy, but hell who says it has to be called anything but what it is friends. I mean yeah this woman I was seeing at the tender age of 29 or 30 was more than any friend I'd ever had before, however it wasn't a need for any title at all, I mean we talked just about every waking hour our phones were connected to one another, thank the lord for bluetooth! But I wanted more, I wanted DEMANDED to hear her say those words, I wanted to have property in the form of another human being...lol. But it wouldn't have made her more special nor me, it wouldn't have made her love me any more or less. I mean this woman was special to me even though we had no title what so ever. She explained this to me often I mean at twenty years my senior she had lived loved and learned much more than I had, she said "just let it be" but I didn't listen...

Today she remains close to my heart, someone that loves me no matter what I do or have done, and someone that would come to my aide if I ever needed her. However I have moved on, yet find myself backwards. With someone that always wants to make sure I know that my title is friend and "FRIEND ONLY". I mean it's like the saddest thing ever, I love her no less, I adore her maybe more, I spend lots of time with her, I give her time that no one else receives, we do things that are maybe a little more than I'd like her to do with her other random friends. I just don't get the need for constant reminding of the "friend" title, I mean I ask for nothing more or her except to keep her plans with me, or to be respectful of a few things, I just think it's so odd to always want to downgrade everything as if I can someone how forget that I am "JUST A FRIEND!" I mean a times I wonder if maybe I should never see her again, or maybe my friendship isn't needed because I'm constantly being told over and over again that am just a friend. I wonder is this a thing she does with all her friends, it's kinda creepy. I mean besides I'm happy with what I have, I say it often, yet it seems to fall onto deaf ears, or maybe someone who really doesn't want me around. The more and more it's said the more and more I get the feeling that I am not wanted around, or that I am stood up often because I am not that important. I have no idea what it may be all I do know is that I wish she would just "LET IT BE!" Before it's gone....

Fingers running through your hair...

...my fingers running through your hair, the sensual feeling on the tips of my fingers the fibers tingling the soft smooth shinny hair slowly rubbing along the length of my hands. While the thoughts going through my mind, from the follicles of your hair to the neurons of my brain there's so much motion in the room, yet you and I lay intertwined motionless. The flashes of images racing musing in my mind of doing things to you that would cause us both to blush in shear delight. As still as our bodies lay the thoughts just rush, in an instance I'm dripping from the perspiration that flows from an inactive body but a mind that's traveled from the top of your head to the souls of your feet...this can not be my hands gently glide from the roots of your thick hair to the ends. The laws I want to break in my mind, the things I want to do...the pressure in my palms increases as I slide to your shoulders, massaging, touching, rubbing, mind racing, filling, thoughts coming and going, entering and exiting. The scent of the room is or your perfume, my finger tips lead me on this journey, from your hair, to your skin, to your dress, to be continued!!!!!

...dying smells like lemons...

..I remembered watching a Grey's Anatomy episode where an inmate who was a week or so out from being put to death came into the hospital. He caused much major drama as per the entertainment of the show. However he said he had remembered his grandfather dying and saying that it smelled like lemons. The inmate called his grandfather a liar, but after all their work saving his life he was still put to death and Meridith was there to see him die like he had asked her. He said he wanted to look out among the sea of angry faces to see one kind face, which he wanted to be hers. As they begin to inject him, he smiled and said it smelled like lemons. I hadn't remembered this until one night sitting on the toilet of all places, this had become my thinking thrown many many years ago. When I sniffed the air it was strong with a scent unmistakably of lemons...being the person I am surrounded at times by many, but not often felt like those were really o concerned with the true me. I have/had no one to share this with, the fact that I smelled this citrus like smell despite not having anything of the scent around especially not in the bathroom. I begin to tell those that I loved, I love you more often, I tried to have more patience, I tried to complete more tasks, I tried to mend more relationships, I tried to make sure my place was often clean.

But how could I ever explain that I felt my time of death was nearing? I mean it's simply the smell of lemons, I would surely be committed to some crazy home. But instead I kept it to myself, I couldn't explain the peace that the smell brought to me, even though it was with the knowledge of such a horrible fate that lay ahead for me. But it filled my body with such an abundance of peace and comfort. I tell the person that I fought with the of my love the most because for she and my daughter were those who I felt always received the brunt of my frustration and impatience with life. So as I kiss my child on the forehead I mentioned to her how much I love her. But as for her, the woman I love she told me to stop proclaiming my feelings for she was tired of hearing those words. As I prepare myself for my nightly slumber I am surely unaware if I will be blessed with an awakening in the morning, but alas the last thing she will remember is telling me to stop!

So as I lay here, sniffing the smell of lemons, feeling the great peace and comfort I can only hope that I live another day to NOT tell her that I love her, and that she will never regret telling me to stop......

Some things just need a disclaimer attached to them!!

"You love me, but you hate me"

Why is it that the people that you love so much or that claim to love you hurt you so badly? I’ve never understood this and if I live a hundred years I will never be able to grasp the understanding of it. I often wonder why is it because, I don’t love you enough? Is it because I would die for you? Are my sacrifices not pleasing to you? Is it that I’m not your favorite? Is it because I am not beautiful enough? Is it because I lack the femineity that other woman have? Maybe I’m not smart enough? Or perhaps I don’t deserve the respect that other human beings do? I mean this is a country that denies me of the basic freedoms and rights that heterosexuals receive. What can it be that I have done to deserve such treatment.

If I were a child I would continue on with line of questioning, blaming myself for the maltreatment that I continue to receive on a daily basis. However “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish things ways behind me.” 1 Cor. It would be incomprehensible for someone to blame the treatment they received from others on themselves. However it is within human nature to seek out reasons for why those that are supposed to love, admire, and adore you by either friendship, blood relations, or time known, would ever have reason to mistreat you. Any educated person or reason would first seek inward to find out any question that their heart or mind desires the answer for. In the mirror of this world the first image we see is our own reflection, someone who looks in the mirror and sees someone else’s reflection is deeply in need of serious mental attention, or is blinded by someone that they are places in front of themselves causing a blockage of their own view. So once I’ve have passed the stage of checking into my own image than where shall I turn to seek out the understanding that surpasses my knowledge?

In the Bible when Paul writes his letters to the people of Corinth (the Corinthians), he starts out chapter 13, of his letter by writing these words, “And no I will show you the most excellent way.” Any human being with or without the belief in God, a god any other form or being in the world that does not know what he is about to say does not have any understanding of life at all. Because for within these following sentences Paul writes if Love, one of the most common feelings in this world that without this there would be NOTHING that differentiates the human from the lowliest of animals on this planet. If one were to disagree than I would challenge them to name anything in this world that would NOT be affect by the loss of the emotion love.

Even as a society of human beings that are by nature and nurture taught, given and raised by this principle of love, many many people still don’t know how to execute the act of showing one another LOVE. Before I get to far off into this topic I will transcribe the text in which the meaning of love is defined; “If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. Love is patient, love is kind/ It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude. it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.” People often read things written in the bible and make the assumption that they need a minister, pastor or preacher to explain things to them, or they listen to someone else’s explanation and forsake their own knowledge and understand, any words that are ever written in your native tongue can be understood by you without the need of a teacher.

A person can be wealthy, so wealthy that it’s ignorant, however without love for someone or from someone what good does all their wealth bring them? If a person has intelligence to the point of being a genius what good is this if they have no one to love, or no one loves them in return? If we were a world devoid of love, what would be our reasoning for living from day to day? One that lives without love can’t even love themselves enough to even maintain their own lives. The basic family structure would no longer exist, child births would decline, therefor those children also born would be unloved raised without love, or the knowledge of the things that comes from loving one another.

Even with love in the world, it remains to be understood why people treat those that they love poorly. Well has human beings I understand that we can not always be as perfect in our actions against one another but if there is in our hearts forms any form of love than there would be less neglectful, hurtful words or actions towards those that we are supposed to love. People that can only love those that are in blood relation to them are also lacking the desire or knowledge of the true meaning of the word. I have searched high and I have searched low, even in he dictionary love is defined as;

love |ləv|

noun

1 an intense feeling of deep affection : babies fill parents with intense feelings of love | their love for their country.

• a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone : it was love at first sight | they were both in love with her | we were slowly falling in love.

• ( Love) a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.

• a great interest and pleasure in something : his love for football | we share a love of music.

• affectionate greetings conveyed to someone on one's behalf.

• a formula for ending an affectionate letter : take care, lots of love, Judy.

2 a person or thing that one loves : she was the love of his life | their two great loves are tobacco and whiskey.

• Brit., informal a friendly form of address : it's all right, love.

• ( a love) Brit., informal used to express affectionate approval for someone : don't fret, there's a love.

I still quest to find the answer for this but one of the most simplistic answers that I have come up with is that “If someone mistreats you and they claim to love you, they simply DO NOT love you!” Tracie B. Henry