Until my last breath. . . . . . . .

I will be a person living. . . . . . . . I remember watching the MTV show 'REAL WORLD' and there was actually a season that I tried to be on the show, it was the San Francisco season. They actually picked an openly gay male that was HIV positive named Pedro Zamora that season. I was not picked of course being as the 'REAL WORLD' never has any fat people on any season after what like 19 years? FUCK MTV!!! & FUCK VIACOM Meanwhile I received like the many thousand that were not picked I actually received a post card with a picture of the cast on it, like FUCK YOU these are the people we liked!! Any way I watched the season and remember Pedro well, he was probably one of the more normal & sane people on that entire season. But I remember his drive and passion to educate others about HIV/AIDS, he took to it as if that was what he was meant to BE in and with his life. Pedro said something that I've always thought about, he said "until my last breath I will be a person living with HIV." Not dying but living with HIV!!

This kept me mindful from risky sex but even more than that, I often wonder what I would be taking with me to my last breath. I mean will I actually embody all that comes with the pseudo Internet nick name that is Real0ne? I mean will I get better at telling people what they need to hear? Or will I succumb to this sweet like a candy cane sucker that my stripper ex Shea told me that I am minus the sucker part? Will I always end up meeting these strong willed hot woman that turn out to be user and abuser of my soul? Will I finally finish the novel which has been four years in the making? Will I be known as the writer, poet, social activist and child advocate that I want to be known for? What will I take with me to the grave? Will I be a person remember during Black history month, or representing at a LGBT pride parade in some city one day? I want to be known for more than my struggles, my pain, my past, my failures. I don't want to go down in history as the daughter of an abusive drunk and a former drug dealer/user, or as a former partner of a physically abusive female chemist, or the college drop out, or even as the baby mama to a lying, weed smoking pastor who's fathered three illegitimate children.

I breath in deeply before I close my every night as a person who risks death with every sleeping moment I spend without using my cpap machine, I know that God knows my heart but every day I waste my time, not using my talents probably angers him. I need to be living my goals every day, I need to be walking in my glory instead of pushing it off until tomorrow. I shall sleep tonight and awake tomorrow running instead of sprinting towards my goal, hell maybe after I type this last word I will start with the goals in which I have laid out before myself. So that I can be living my dream until my very last breath!!!