It is Saturday morning at 1:39 am I have had a rather long day and one that was not very eventful however it was trying on my nerves. I am very sleepy, I am beyond sleepy I am just out right tired. I once loved sleep, I remember telling someone that sleep was better than sex. It was something I could always enjoy, without having any guilt afterwards. I would often go to sleep early in the winter months and enjoy the fact that my room was always nice and cool, the feeling of cuddling up in a huge comforter was such a pleasure, in fact one of the only pleasures that I could enjoy that was free, 100% free! Now I have lost that pleasure, I feel like my life has come to an end or something. A few months ago I was diagnosed with Sleep Apnea and I was told that I stopped breathing one hundred and thirty-nine times an hour. In my mind that is almost like dying one hundred and thirty-nine times per hour. Ever since finding this news out my mind has been playing these horrible tricks on me, I could not wait to receive my new cpap machine so that I would no longer have this fear. However upon receiving the machine I have been faced with a number of issues, first being the face mask I had to switch from the full face mask to the nasal pillows which are small litte mushroom like things that go into each side of your nose, the air pressure coming in keeps constant air flow moving so you don't stop breathing. However I even have issues sleeping with that on, I freak out, or panic or start to think about how sad it is to be in my early thirties and needing to depend in a machine at night to breath.
This makes me so angry, tonight I felt like punching myself so many times. As I sit here typing this I am falling asleep, I have to constantly awaken myself and re-type something because I fell asleep while typing it. I am angry at myself because life is a gift and many of us don't know how to handle this gift. I'm looking at myself I now know that I ruined my gift, I made horrible choices, I have not taken action on many different things, I am lacking in so many areas and I am suffering because of my lack of action in many areas of life. It is all a horrible never ending cycle of issues, no sleep=no energy=no energy=can not complete daily activities=can not try and reverse what I have done so wrong. I am angry at myself because I am plagued with things that in my case come from being over weight, high blood pressure, diabetes, sleep apnea, and many more can go on this list. In a world where people battle disease and illness all the time But, to be doing battle with the things we have created in our own lives, all by our selves in the worst to say the least......well it's 2:05 am and I am literally falling a sleep on this computer, so I will do what I do not want to do and suck it put on my cpap and get a get some sleep...to be continued............
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