Today I took stock, I thought about how many times I cried while I should’ve been smiling. I thought about how many times I felt like crying but couldn’t. I thought about the people I made cry and the many of those times I felt no regret until today. I thought about how many times tears were all I could manage to show because I felt so lost. I thought about all the crying I’ve yet to do. I thought about all the movies, books, stories I’ve heard that made me cry. I thought about my story and the few people that only know parts of it that cried for me. I thought about being a child crying because I wanted to be some where, any where else.
Today I took stock, on all the things my eyes had seen as a child, my ears had heard. I thought about how I’d die if my own child had ever seen, heard or lived through those things that I had. I thought about the pain I felt being a child of abuse and neglect, how lost I was with no one that cared to help me, save me, for at least a night. How many children have I tried to save? How many children have I seen living the same life in which I prayed to God to let me sleep and never wake to again? I took stock on how many broken adults I’ve meant that didn’t even live a portion of what I had. How had they become so broken? How can someone born of a married couple, raised in a loving family, raised in the suburbs be so damaged?
Today I took stock, on all the years, months, weeks, days, minutes, moments I’ve wasted spending them with people who treated me just as bad as my parents did as I was growing up. How much I’d loved them, how much I’d done for them, how much I’d sacrificed for them. Every time I’ve tried my best to make a smile come across the face of someone who cared little or nothing about my emotions or well being. Why had I done these things, for people like this? Why am I repeating this pattern of oppression? When my eyes see clearly the path unto which the road is leading, why do I keep walking it?
Today I took stock, not in what I have, had, or accomplished in my lifetime, but how much I didn’t do. For every time I was silent when I should have been talking. For every time I was talking when I should have been silent. For every time I should have been taking action yet I was inactive. For every wrong that I saw but didn’t attempt to make right, for every right I saw but didn’t attempt to complement. For the things I let go that I wasn’t ready to let go of, and the things I took so much pride in that weren’t really worth a damn. For every moment I cherished that was a lie, for every moment that I refused to cherish until it went bye.
Today I took stock, and I am left with this, I’m empty inside!!!!!!
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