I found out on FACEBOOK

....Now Now facebook truly is the place where you can find out some things you'd never imagined and NO I am not talking about my recent fucking heart killing moment when I realized the woman that I was falling in love with all over again had been not only lying about being in a relationship with someone else but basically said that I ain't shit NEVER was shit and NEVER will be shit without her because...my apartment, car, 35 years of living had all been taken care of by her. AND even with this information I was still loving me some her willing to just move it along because God knows I need more people around me that belittle, or just outright hate that I breath air---->>> Life hurts! However moving right along, my BLOCK list on facebook is growing ever so long. I think that it's the best feature in the WORLD and EVERY social networking site should have it especially @TWITTER *hint hint* !! For those that don't know anyone and everyone on facebook has a button that it's called BLOCK is on the left hand side of the page several inches below their profile picture. This lovely feature let's you make someone disappear from your life all together, only if life had one also @God.... Any way you can have the same friends even, you can even reply to the same status posts and everything, they can't read what you type and you can't read what they type, they can never search you to find your page because it won't come up as long as their logged onto the page you blocked them from. Found out about this feature the hard way also, thanks hurt & pain for being there for a sister.

I was friends with an ex despite the fact that I had known she made up many of her stories, (because they made no sense what so ever also because the dates were always off exp. she claims to have been "common law" married to a man for 8 years until she was 22 years old 22-8=14 however when I meant her she was about 23 and had been with her girlfriend for 2 years, plus my ex and her were dealing with the same dude she claimed to be in love with him and that he was moving from Baltimore to Chicago to marry her, however he says he never meant her in person and that they were just Internet friends) Okay back to the story, I knew she was a lame, always seeking out the next girlfriend secretly dealing with males, however she would get hurt by these people, lose her job, her home all types of things while in between relationships. She always called me sad, lonely, broke, I had even went as far has buying her a plane ticket from Chicago to Philadelphia, knowing she was broke, fed her, entertained her the entire week she was here. When she got her job with Chase Bank she went through a few girlfriends and was always arguing with them, however she had promised me a paid for flight out there to Chicago. But with all that going on, at her end there never was any good time to come so she never made good on her promise. Well recently she did it again made all these promises, after getting another job a few months ago along with some chicken head girl she stopped calling, started spending money, taking trips and all. SO I the original wimp, decided that I had, had enough, I had posted a status directed at her but quickly removed it than emailed it to her directly. I told her I was done with her always calling me in need of money, help, a listening hear, and making all these promises only to break them one by one. Within a few moments she not only blocked all her numbers were deleted, the explanation was clear plain and straight to the point.

Now as for a someone I thought of as a friend in spite of the fact she'd "place me on time out" because she would say she didn't like my attitude. Now I was told once a long time ago to leave her crazy ass alone, than my most recent ex said to me "who the fuck does she think she is? I mean to put a grown as woman on time out, she complains about her life, family and relationship more than you do I wouldn't fucking be friends with her ass!" However since this information was coming from someone that let people she called friend make her cry, leave her high and dry or in a few cases drunk in the ghetto of Philly, I took it in one ear and out the other I've always known that no one is perfect and that's usually how I accept people, hence why I am always giving several chances for people to abuse the fuck outta me! Any way this one day I called her she decided to scream and holler about me much of what she said was totally not true however I sat listening to her scream because I was respectful of the fact that I considered her a friend even though all her actions over the last fifteen years YES 15 years had always shown she was selfish, always about herself, always on a power trip, always negative about her own sister's and father, yet when I tried to talk I was always over talked by her given her entire life drama. Which made this conversation so amazing to me, because she claimed I was always in a woe is me state always posting about everything negative to go on in my life. . . . .when I simply tried to ask her to name ONE or TWO negative things in my life that I was going through she couldn't even do so. . . .but continued on with her ranting. I listened she said barely anything that made sense to me, and she clearly spoke on things that could be checked for reference, my facebook stats, a friend and I both scrolled back over the months nothing.....this friend was even more drawn a blank that I was. Than she said I complained about my life, yet she couldn't state any lists of things that I had called her to speak about, also since all my calls are via a cellphone there aren't even many records of me even calling her much over the past few months let alone years. She's since been blocked, numbers deleted, everything done for good this time around.

So what I've learned is that there is a lot to learn from facebook, people are a lot of things however you never really know their "real" intentions until you read something from their inner minds. Whether it's a post, a comment, a link they add all these things tell you what a person is about, what they are interested in, what their political views are even if they don't fill out that part on their profile some point of view or another will pop out. I found out another high school friend is a racist, but probably didn't even know it, however black people eating chicken jokes aren't actually the most politically correct comments have on your page and this was a full blown conversation that happened on her page more than once even. Look it's easy to get quick sound bites into a person's mind via twitter or over a chat line, but facebook is where people seem to always fuck up, let out to much of their feelings towards something than end up losing a real life friend. My block list in long but there's no telling how long it'll get over a lifetime. . . . . .

See my life....

If I were a human camera, my eyes the lenses, my brain holds the sensor, my hands hold the pen which writes down the images, and life is the subject. I have been so many places, not as in reference to distance traveled, but emotions, situations, and circumstances. I've been lost, lonely, loved, lied to, hated, hurt, hindered, inspired, homeless, poor, beaten, abused, misled, sick, healed, blessed, the list could go on and on. The options haven't been many, the resources haven't been great but the ride has been something worth sharing.....so I write!

I can't take those images stored in my head, heart or soul and clearly print them out for all to see. But I can write what they looked, felt, and even smelled like. I can give you something on the same paper in which hold photos of some of the world's greatest events to ever take place, or some of the worst places to have ever been. I can place you right there with me, feeling the feelings I've felt, knowing the knowledge I know, being where I have already been. With the words on the paper I can out do Norman Rockwell any day, I can make the thousand words of a picture become the hundred thousand words of an actual experience. I can bring worlds together, I can tear them apart, I heal your pain or give you immense sadness. With the images I bring forth from my human camera you can see what I've got inside myself, you can feel what I've felt, you can experience my pain, laugh at my joy, embrace my experiences.

If once we would all take the time to become human cameras and write down the visions of where we've been, done, or seen, the world would have more understanding. If more understanding is brought fourth than so can more compassion, sympathy and concern. No longer would we all be blind to the places one another has been, the life we've lived or the things we've seen.

To be continued.......

Definition of LOVE for idiots....

......⁴Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. ¹¹When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. ¹²Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

1 Corinthians 13

Stop the CHASE baby it'll come to you.......

In the past few months I have been there....my feelings have been hurt people I thought were my friends showed their TRUE colors, I have been broke, sad, hungry, scared, lonely, in pain, depressed, lost, found, misunderstood, used, abused, lied to, misrepresented, tested, tried, drained, I mean the list could go on and on. However I am NOT alone others have been going through with their own issues many handle things in different ways. But I watch "HER" and no "HER" isn't code for my recent ex or anything however "HER" is more than one person. It's a few woman that have been or are in my life at this time. I have been watching them chase the NEXT one as if their lives would be lost if they were forced to be single for more than a month or hell in one's case for more than a damn WEEK. I mean track shoes on chasing the next girlfriend, wife, relationship, or in many of their cases the next ex that they can bitch and moan about being such a horrible person.

I mean I understand lonely, I understand single trust me do I understand single she's my friend. What I don't understand in the lack of willingness of individuals to seek out change within themselves. I mean when you break up with someone that you "really" loved and cared for, how can you just simply move right onto the next victim with all the baggage that carried over from all the issues in which you recently dwelt with in that past relationship. I do understand that many people MANY don't even know what the hell the word "love" means and are just recklessly using it on random people hoping, seeking that they aren't ever called out on that bullshit! I mean come on if there were so many people in "love" than there wouldn't be so many people getting in and out of relationships like they get in and out of their underwear.

Bad enough their jumping from relationship to relationship, and not taking care of their core emotional issues, their also creating a situation in their lives that isn't really the best look for them in the long run. For example who wants to date someone that's been through more woman than Tampax? I mean once your been from her to her to her, what's going to happen when you finally find "HER"? Well there's going to be a problem are you really going to tell "HER" about the hundred or so other woman you've told that you loved, or that you've opened your legs to? Not to mention for these Dyke a day chicks, a dyke one day and a dick the next! I mean you're probably going to lie, or lie by omitting the many many many people of your past. I mean who really wants to settle down with the local whore? Who wants to proudly walk around down with the one woman that every ones had on their arm? So maybe you leave out a few woman, however what do you do about those people you've already been through? How do you get them to disappear, or forget that they too have test driven you? I've also been with her, that one that's been with so many people that she left out every single relationship she's ever had only for her closet to open and the bones to start spilling out right in front of me. So not only are you a hoe but a liar too, what a wonderful package, this here is my life living as a single lesbian, every woman I seem to meet, deal with or dwelt with has been going around like the local meals on wheels delivery person giving out a bit here and there, than of course lying by omission.

So as I watch "her" chasing the next ex, I feel like I am NEVER going to be in a relationship ever again, because here I am working so hard on me, every day a change is coming, every day work is being put in every therapy appointment, every step towards bettering myself is a step away from many of the "hers" out there that are still chasing someone. Instead of chasing betterment in their own lives, instead of chasing a change in how they see or experience the world around themselves. So I awaken and bless each day with the newness that is me.....and for now I'll do that all alone just wish I wasn't going through this on my own!!!!

My world is changing. . . .

I read the text she sent me it read: "I'm a user and ur the one who couldn't make it without me" this is what she texted to me after four years of her saying she loved me and mine. This doesn't bother me, I knew for a long time that "she" was a sad sick individual I mean even the woman she lives with has been a victim to her mean words despite the fact that this woman doesn't even know of the words that have been spoken behind her back about her and her children....children, I couldn't imagine the fact that someone hates not me but a child enough to slander them than to live with them afterwards. I have been struggling with a lot of things but I don't think that I can't "make it" without anyone whatever that means to her little mind I'll never know nor care to know. I just know that my world is changing, I used to be so happy I mean Happy inside just glowing from some where deep inside myself. But for sometime my insides have been so sad, have been crying and I don't even know what to do. I am surviving financially things happen and I've gone without somethings this doesn't bother me, because me and my child have been maintaining everything as best we can without complaint, without boredom without losing anything. It has been wonderful actually I've never in my life lived without cable television yet I've been living without any television at all for the past few weeks. It's been awesome actually, I've seen more new movies, and watched more series of shows that I've always wanted to see but never did even with cable an the on demand feature right at my finger tips. It's been amazing to say the least, but before this the sadness crept into my insides. It's still remains and I don't know how to get rid of it. I know I miss the way things used to be in my life with "her" around, but knowing that everything she said or did was all fake, for her amusement and all planned out until she found another place to lay claim on, another person to victimize.

I just can't help but feel like I was such a fool, I mean the signs that things weren't right with "her" were always there, something always pulled on me telling me to let go move on, get away yet I stayed. I think maybe this is where the great sadness comes from, I feel like a fool. A person with charge over another's life like that of a parent really can't afford to be a fool for anything or anyone. Maybe this guilt I feel is the route of everything? Yet I have been a fool in this way before, sad to say I've been used before by someone calling themselves a friend, a lover, a girlfriend. . . . . and I've never held this much pain afterwards I mean well there was that one ex that had me in therapy for a few years but that was just different, or was it?

I feel like I'm closer to God now I have so more time to think about things, I've changed in some ways. . . . but yet I feel like I've been given this lot in life that causes me to forever be without the graces, mercies and blessings that God usually bestows upon those closest to him. (I use him as just a term of reference) I listen a lot more, I think a lot more, I step away from things that had often drew me in with their appeal, like electronics, television, the telephone and sex......sex something I feel like I'll never ever do ever again, yet I don't even mind living without. I mean it's not like I even long to see television or have sex, or even talk to anyone on the phone. I mean I feel as if I don't have a friend in this world, I feel no great connection to anyone but my child. I don't miss anyone, nor to I feel like I want to hear any one's voice especially now that I've been going through so much, without even a call from anyone. I mean damn how could I have lived for thirty-five years and not even have one real fucking friend? I mean damn not one person even cares to come and see if I've even been alive or well, or clothed and in my right mind. Who the fuck lives like this? All that I've done for people? All that I've given of myself to others? Yet no one even cares for me? Maybe that's why my insides cry, maybe the thought of being so alone makes me feel so deeply saddened that I can't bare to smile at times. I don't know.

My minds boggled, I can't figure things out at times and this is one of them. . . . .

This is for the Queen....

"Do you know who I am......I'm the juggernaut BITCH!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSuvOVH0aSQ