Cave

Alone in the dark, with simple feelings around. Moments of the past flashing in brilliant color with vivid sound. Water falling, pillow clinching, darkness shifting along the ceiling. Blackness covering the windows light, tiny figures standing guard, void of joy in this darkened cave. A lonely soul lays restless among the bed coverings, tossing about seeking comfort in the late hours of the night. A cave not made of rock, sticks or stone, but flesh and bone. Hollowed and emptied without happiness or joy just the remains of sorrow from the battles of life. I life worthless of living without a soul inside, deep abandonment, severe issues with pride.

A cave of flesh and bone dawned with judgement and neglect a dark lonely place seeking light, from the darkness within and the long lonely nights. Hinted with signs a human once was there this cave in the dark holds years of regret from the lack of light given on to the inside of it.

Fat Girls

....hooray you’re are so freaking gay! Okay movie time....cut right to the chase, Monday brought out the “girls” scrreeeeeeeeecchhh!!! Oh wait there was only one girl though....lol! Yes it’s another LGBT film this time it was the cute low budget feature film “Fat Girls” the movies tag line reads; “Why fit in when you can come out?”, so very true. However it happens to be a cute movie a few comedic lines and scenes fell short of their mark but the dance scene made me laugh my ass off.

This is a story about two friends one straight girl the other a gay male just trying to get a date to the school dance. It’s filled with some poor acting, lame camera work, a bit of confusion with the scene set ups, but it’s cute. I really liked this one, but of course there was no true gay love featured in here just a little more of the closeted gay male hiding himself from society. But it was all there hanging out...literally.

I think it’s great that a movie like this is around for young LGBT people coming up there’s maybe somethings in here that they could get out of it. Not a sleeper, I didn’t pass out not once during this one, but it seemed a little short also. Check it out and learn all about your inner fat girl!!!

OOOPPSS....

I want to apologize for much of the errors in my writing I often write to fast and NEVER prof read what I've written my apologies go out to all that read what I write I will try to get better at it.

Thanks.....

A Home at The End of The World

Another gem I ran into on Friday night was this movie with beautiful Colin Farrell playing alongside of Robin Wright, Dallas Roberts and Sissy Spacek. Another LGBT movie I had never even heard of but was surprised to find out that I really really enjoyed this film. Despite the fact that it’s something to be watched with someone to cuddle with (which we know I have NOT) or a good snack and a box of kleenex. It starts from the childhood of the character of Colin Farrell as a child living with his family brother, father and mother. He lives through a very sad and tragic childhood only to end up with one of the most amazing families of one of his male friends. He finds a lovely connection with his friend’s mother played by a beautiful Sissy Spacek who’s own childlike qualities brings out the most amazing side of her.

The two friends separate for sometime than end up reuniting and creating another family bound and connection with one another. Set in Cleveland Ohio than moving to New York City, this film just keeps sucking you in with every move. Many of the few sex scenes for some reason just turned me on.....but that’s for another day. This film was much different than any of the others I've seen but also reminded me a lot of the film entitled Threesome with the two males and female college students sharing a suit together. The love triangle also is very much simiilar as well. However much of the tragedy is a lot deeper, sadder and much more compelling than in the light hearted film Threesome.

Again I have yet to have my faith restored in the fact that I will ever find true, happy or SANE love living this LGBT life. This film also was a tear jerker, it just tugged at my heart and left my pillow wet for the evening, and no that’s not in a good way. "A Home at The End of The World" was well worth my time, however it’s not the happy go lucky love story that I was looking for. This just goes to show me that living the LYFE isn’t one that is very easy. Despite the fact that many try to pretend to be hardcore into this life, I also see why so many people try to leave open that door to always be able to jump back out when things get a little hot. But for those of us who can’t (not for lack of trying) but because we soon rather eat elephant shit than live a life of lies or add extra misery to our lives by trying to be something that we weren’t made to be. Maybe film makers and writers that are LGBT just write about that in which they see, hear of live this is just the pure lives of what we all must deal with.

As I look back over my past relationships I just don’t understand, there was nothing I could’ve done better, or changed except the decisions of being with the people I decided to be with. I have never tried to be someone I wasn’t unless I was trying to be someone that didn’t care, or someone that was more aggressive than I actually am. I have finally stopped trying to beat myself to death for all those that I opened up to or joined into my life, I know now that I am not the only broken person out there, but in my case one of the only ones able to admit that fact. So I am living every day to tape, glue, or staple things back to where they should be. That’s all that matters in life is that we all claim our own shit and decide to do something about making it either go away or at least smell better.

Thanks for reading and as always be real with yourself, than be real to others. The world would be such a better place if we all just were a lot more honest......

The Line of Beauty

The Line of Beauty

Over the weekend I watched yet another gay movie in my quest to view just about every LGBT film that I can, actually every film ever made. I have tried many so far at least a hundred in the past few months, some I complete others don’t always make it. However I was pleasantly surprised to actually see some pretty damn good movies that I had actually never heard of before and were some great gay films. The Line of Beauty is a BC video and as I have started to learn a lot of gay films are made in other countries. This one was a lot better than the last one Before I forget the last gay film which was French and had subtitles, oh and let’s not forget it was very very slow depressing and helped to build no hope in the fact thatI would ever find love in my life ever!!

The Line of Beauty in many ways paralleled that of the man’s life in the French film, because both men weren’t able to find a true love to live out their lives with. Each man was hopelessly single and not by their choices either. However in the Line of Beauty the man was much younger and extremely handsome with crystal blue eyes. He was an openly gay male whom was invited to live with his college friend’s wealthy family. Over a period of about five years, this film told the story of this young man as well as the relationship he had built with the sister of the friend. The family appeared to be happy, loving an perfect on the outside however their issues were slowly pealed back as time passed.

There were also similarities in the way that gay males openly or freely engaged in sexual acts with one another. Many of the characters were living secret lives in which they played straight but lived secret lives of sex with men along with drug abuse. This film was set in the 80’s and many of the characters eventually ended up battling HIV or even dying from AIDS. So many had sex in bathrooms, or parks often not using protection even the woman with the were in relationships with weren’t using protection. Not only were the gay or down low individuals spreading their selves around even the father of the wealthy family wasn’t able to keep it in his pants or out of his young secretary.

This film was interesting just above a sleeper though, it was broken down into three episodes maybe that just being a European thing, who knows. However the movie was worth the watch I was drawn into the life of this young man, but only left again feeling empty because it once again shows the only LGBT life I know, and that is one of a lonely nice guy with a string of horrible lots in life and very few decent friends to get them by in life. I have truly got to get out there and find some more pleasant happier GAY films or I will forever lose hope in my big ole gay happy ever after.

Oh and the sex scenes....I don’t know what it is about two guys getting it in that just.......well let’s say I enjoyed it....just being real.

Before I Forget....(movie review)

I just decided that that were several movies that I had been watching, however none of them were any great gay or lesbian films. Since for the past few months I have been analyzing my life, my past, my future and my present, I noticed I really have not lived a very gay friendly existence. I mean aside from the many failed relationships I've had which all have been horrible examples of what a healthy relationship should be especially what a loving normal lesbian relationship should be. I mean it has really got me thinking that there isn't ever going to be a future for me that I'll find any healthy relationship. So in order to see happy times, healthy normal gay people I thought if I can't see them or meet them in real life, maybe there is hope if I look into films and documentaries. So one of my first films which hasn't been my first gay film aside from Better than Chocolate, Boys Don't cry, But I'm a cheerleader, As good as it gets, Another Gay movie and the adventures of two girls in love.

I recently watched Before I forget, which is a French film that has English subtitles. This is a film about a gay male in his sixties that is living with HIV and is a former gigolo. This movie had several of the French oddities in it, scenes which were long and drawn the hell out. Where the room was scanned slowly several times to reveal all the little contents to the viewer, it really would be a sleeper had I been particularly tired or sleepy at the time of viewing. It was a sad film with all the creepy undertones of a secret society of a bunch of men fucking each other all recklessly and once the main character reached his sixties he was left feeling empty and alone. It had a few sex scenes all shot in the shadows, just about every male shown was a gigolo, a former one or a user of their services.

The one thing about this film that I can say stood out is that I never want my life to end up as sad and lonely as his. However the way the men were throwing away all males above the age of forty to get with the younger ones was truly sad....as I reach ever so slowly towards my 40th birthday single and alone. I just hope to create a life worthy of an obituary. This film was slow sad and boring, and worth watch if you just want to watch a French film however I wouldn't recommend it to any one, unless their seeking to go to sleep

Baby steps to making friends/weeding out the bad ones...part one

I know that I have my issues...and they have been identified, diagnosed and are in the process of being treated! Judge me if you want I am ahead of more than 80% of the population. Because many people don't even admit that they have issues in the first place. I am not often as proud as I am right now of myself so this is actually something that is a step in the right direction. However there are a lot of work that has to be done on bettering myself.

Today I have decided that the way I chose people to add into my life has seriously got to change. I've always got a feeling about something, the way someone says, or does something or the goals, or lifestyle they live. I mean common sense things always pop out at you when meeting a person. However there's a gut feeling that goes along with this meeting of someone new.....I've actually had gut feelings that told me to NOT take people seriously yet later sometimes----------years down the line I am left broken and battered as if I have been the victim of some horrible rape! And lawd I KNOW people jumped all over poor Bella's ass when she compared being stalked by reporters to being raped. However someone playing with you feelings, your heart, your mind and especially when you have a child envolved, any person entering your life taking your friendship or any form of relationship lightly is a violation like no other. I don't want to be attacked, I don't want to ever be brutalized again. Now NOT to say that the person getting attacked provoked it in any way, but there is a way to at least weed out unwanted situations just by the way they may not feel right to enter into in the first place. I've felt this feeling....again I say and I ignored it just about every time. . . .now my heart, mind, body and soul are paying for this breach with severe pain.

Well there is a formula for finding friends and illiminating ones that are distructive to your life, however it's back to basics, back to some of the things your momma teaches about making friends....your momma mine was a bit hhmmmm shall we say busy for pretty much of my childhood probably why I suck ass at this friends thing....probably why my friends are just as abusive or absent in my life as she was-------> that's another blog for another time....any way back to the beginning....

1) common interests and common sense is that you choose friends by your interests, (ie I collect comic books, toys, and love to watch great movies) However since I am 35 and a lesbian that only leaves me with white males from the age of 10 to 60 which isn't my target area. But there are things that I don't like or do in my life, (ie. drugs, smoking, fucking around, clubbing, drinking) However I don't want to rule out everyone that is in this category because I would like to get laid again in life and this leaves out all the good sluts....but it is a base line for weeding out people that are undesirable to my life. Find someone that doesn't think that my interest are out right stupid or someone that has multiple hobbies that I am not into.

2) can't have the cooties, of stray away from the dirty unkempt children because you'll catch cooties. However this goes for those with unaddressed medical and mental issues. If someone openly appears or talks about things that are clearly a class five mental disorder in the DSMIV book than they need medication, therapy and some years in handling their situations before they can make anyone a good friend (joke about the class five thingy though) Dealing with people with past history of traumatic events as well as unresolved family or relationship issues truly shows that they are going to end up in a negative space sooner or later with you as well. Plus my past history with people with unresolved issues has actually turned out being very very bad and I always end up left alone cleaning up the mess after they've left.

3) Friends aren't mean to you NEVER be friends with anyone that is mean to you, or hurts your feelings over an over again. There are times as an adult that people will hurt you, people go through things all the time, but a friend should not make you cry, hurt your feelings, or just outright use you as a whipping boy.

.......OkAY I am blocked right now to be continued......