Baby steps to making friends/weeding out the bad ones...part one

I know that I have my issues...and they have been identified, diagnosed and are in the process of being treated! Judge me if you want I am ahead of more than 80% of the population. Because many people don't even admit that they have issues in the first place. I am not often as proud as I am right now of myself so this is actually something that is a step in the right direction. However there are a lot of work that has to be done on bettering myself.

Today I have decided that the way I chose people to add into my life has seriously got to change. I've always got a feeling about something, the way someone says, or does something or the goals, or lifestyle they live. I mean common sense things always pop out at you when meeting a person. However there's a gut feeling that goes along with this meeting of someone new.....I've actually had gut feelings that told me to NOT take people seriously yet later sometimes----------years down the line I am left broken and battered as if I have been the victim of some horrible rape! And lawd I KNOW people jumped all over poor Bella's ass when she compared being stalked by reporters to being raped. However someone playing with you feelings, your heart, your mind and especially when you have a child envolved, any person entering your life taking your friendship or any form of relationship lightly is a violation like no other. I don't want to be attacked, I don't want to ever be brutalized again. Now NOT to say that the person getting attacked provoked it in any way, but there is a way to at least weed out unwanted situations just by the way they may not feel right to enter into in the first place. I've felt this feeling....again I say and I ignored it just about every time. . . .now my heart, mind, body and soul are paying for this breach with severe pain.

Well there is a formula for finding friends and illiminating ones that are distructive to your life, however it's back to basics, back to some of the things your momma teaches about making friends....your momma mine was a bit hhmmmm shall we say busy for pretty much of my childhood probably why I suck ass at this friends thing....probably why my friends are just as abusive or absent in my life as she was-------> that's another blog for another time....any way back to the beginning....

1) common interests and common sense is that you choose friends by your interests, (ie I collect comic books, toys, and love to watch great movies) However since I am 35 and a lesbian that only leaves me with white males from the age of 10 to 60 which isn't my target area. But there are things that I don't like or do in my life, (ie. drugs, smoking, fucking around, clubbing, drinking) However I don't want to rule out everyone that is in this category because I would like to get laid again in life and this leaves out all the good sluts....but it is a base line for weeding out people that are undesirable to my life. Find someone that doesn't think that my interest are out right stupid or someone that has multiple hobbies that I am not into.

2) can't have the cooties, of stray away from the dirty unkempt children because you'll catch cooties. However this goes for those with unaddressed medical and mental issues. If someone openly appears or talks about things that are clearly a class five mental disorder in the DSMIV book than they need medication, therapy and some years in handling their situations before they can make anyone a good friend (joke about the class five thingy though) Dealing with people with past history of traumatic events as well as unresolved family or relationship issues truly shows that they are going to end up in a negative space sooner or later with you as well. Plus my past history with people with unresolved issues has actually turned out being very very bad and I always end up left alone cleaning up the mess after they've left.

3) Friends aren't mean to you NEVER be friends with anyone that is mean to you, or hurts your feelings over an over again. There are times as an adult that people will hurt you, people go through things all the time, but a friend should not make you cry, hurt your feelings, or just outright use you as a whipping boy.

.......OkAY I am blocked right now to be continued......

Fuck Feelings......Secret life of ME!!

You know if you've ever seen the movie the Secret Life of Bees you would know the characters by now pretty well and if you've never seen it what the fuck can I say GO SEE IT!!! Any way Sophie Okonedo plays the sister to Queen Latifah and Alicia Keys who are playing the roles of the Boatwright sisters. They are also known as the woman who make the best honey is this little town. Now Sophie Okonedo plays May Boatwright the very special and very sensitive younger sister. In this film she is known as the emotional sister that cries because she feels the pain of everyone that she comes in contact with or hears has had a sad or tragic incident take place in their lives. The Boatwright sister's June and August created a wall of rocks in which their sister May would go to with tiny slips of paper and write down on them whatever made her sad. Any way for those that were able to see the movie know what happens to May in the film, no I have not been thinking of doing that to myself, but I feel like May each and every day of my life. May Boatwright made me feel like I was watching myself in full right in front of my own eyes. I try so so hard to become some cold hearted person and ignore what I see here and feel all around me, but it doesn't work. I don't want to cry for the children that were born to parents that don't want them, but if I had the money or the home huge enough to house them all I would take them into my home. I don't wanna like people that are in need of a friend, they don't always turn out to be the very best people for me. I don't want to care for the cat that was found ducked taped from head to paw but I did....I don't walk through a cemetery I mourn for those lives that were lost especially when they were very young....I don't want to watch the news and hear about the child beaten to death by her father and step mother. For all these stories I shed tears I feel pain I feel anger and remorse.

I meet people that I may have never been able to meet often, many people seem to take befriending strangers as a game of sorts, however I care when I shouldn't I like when I'm not liked, I love hard, when I am just a temporary object of entertainment for someone just passing the time while at work or on the bus, or in a classroom or board at home. I feel when others are able to use me as a source of laughter, or momentary thrills. For this I say fuck love, fuck it hard and long without any tenderness or care. Fuck love for everyone who's heart flutters when someone enters a room, fuck love for everyone that breaths a deep breath when their phone rings and it's that person, fuck love for everyone that's ran over the cellphone minutes talking for hours on end to someone they swear they'd spend the rest of their life with, fuck love for everyone who's hairs stand on end at the smell of their sweet perfume, fuck love fuck love fuck love fuck love fuck love fuck it and damn it to HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A Moment for Gary Papa, he touched my soul!!

My words short and sweet, I didn't have to personally know the man to be
moved to tears by his passing. I didn't have to know the man personally
to know he was a wonderful, generous, loving, happy, sweet man. I didn't
have to know the man personally to know, he was a good father, a giving
husband and a wonderful friend. I didn't have to know the man personally
to know that he dwelt with a lot of pain in his battle with this
disease.

Gary I will miss you, Gary I admired you, Gary you were loved, Gary you
touched many lives, Gary your boys have a huge legacy left for them to
remember you, learn about you, and a city full of people that will always
keep your memory alive!