Fear of fears........

We are all taught to have faith, to believe in God and to say our prayers, that God will put nothing on us that we can't handle, but what about those that have committed suicide? I mean I have often talked with many people of faith, of religious education, of non-religious backgrounds and we all end the conversation without any one clear cut answer. I mean I went to school with two people that ended up taking their lives, barely out of their teens yet they were adults and one with a loving caring family and a beautiful child. What was it that made them crack? What was it that made them want to hurt themselves? Were they that sad? Were they that mentally ill? Does God forgive them if they did this out of pure mental illness? Were do their souls rest? I mean being a person who has been in the situation of total sadness I have often wondered could it have been or BE me?

I actually Googled the term "fear of Death" and there were over thirty-eight million hits. There were groups and blogs where people wrote of their fear of death, many angry, wondering why even be born to just die! Death comes at an unknown time, place, with an unknown cause. This being the biggest fear for many people. How ever if people have these fears, fear of death to be exact than why don't more people live like today is their last day? I mean there are often people that are mean, angry, rude, crude and harsh to one another despite the fact that we all know that out lives are short and can end at any time. I am guilty of having such fears, yet I am always mindful of how I am treating someone else and in recent months I've tried my best to get away from people that treat me mean and nasty. I wish I could reprogram my mind and become more like a child, more carefree, more fun loving, more adventurous, more active and just out right young & dumb.

Now I am here at times left feeling bitter, here I am stuck on dark and dreary my mood one step from tears flooding to just out right pain. I feel as though I was robbed I had the worst childhood, being beat shitless to becoming a mentally challenged adult. I have faith but even with faith this body in which I am in will cease to house me forever, I will one day like many before me pass away, no longer to smell sweet days, my daughters hair, watch my cat do crazy tricks, feel the sun on my face, enjoy the bluest of skies or the chill of a november night! My only fear is leaving behind someone that is going to be sad about me no longer being there.......God I wish I could live my life without fears.......