She called me a "neurotic psychotic"; The Story of the Fake Profile Page

Okay not that I have a DSIV book tucked neatly away beside my bed, but I was completely blank after being called "neurotic psychotic," by someone that is unable to express any forms of gratitude, appreciation, love or admiration for someone that they had been seeing for over seven months. Now when I say "seeing" I don't mean just sitting there staring off into the face of another human being I mean dating, having sexual intercourse with, sleepovers, dinners, hand holding, receiving gifts, money, etc. How could someone devote so much time to someone & not even care about them is this even humanly possible? Yet it seems to be as she has expressed no feelings of friendship, no admiring, no deep liking for won't even call unless she's called first, would spend days at a time with me yet not even care once she was out of my presence about me or my child. Any way moving forward...
So of course I took the matter to dear old friend Google, Now Neurotic is described in a way that is common and EVERYONE born to human parents has a little of this in them, it's basically the simple stress that is caused by every day life. In some people it can be as simple as a fear of public speaking, or cause a person to be stressed about bills, eating, work, their body, their health or have many different anxieties. Neurotic or better stated neurosis is NOT something that can interfere with a persons day to day living. Now being psychotic or having a psychosis is just a symptom not an actual disorder. It is however a state that impairs thought, perceptions and judgement. This again is not directed or even linked to anyone particular mental illness depending on the severity it may require therapy along with medication, (which BINGO I am not hiding the fact that when I meant her I was already on meds & under going therapy) but again this is something that the every day average person can also experience. In my case YES I made a fake profile to prove to myself one thing and one thing only that I was RIGHT!!!

In the process of creating & maintaining this fictitious profile page on a popular DATING website I was able to learn a lot about the human condition, the thought processes of some people, which I feel will lead to several blogs about this same subject. I learned a lot from people, I learned more than I really cared to learn about people too. For the most part the one person in particular I learned about was myself, I am very intelligent I used this site to gain power of my mind to tell myself it was actually a good time to exit a relationship that was one sided, that was mentally, FINANCIALLY draining to my entire life. It's not that I didn't already know this however in the battle between heart and brain the heart won out big time. I would run to this person if they needed anything, give even when I knew that when I was need that they were never there to give to me. It's also crazy because despite my financial, mental or medical situations all that would have really helped was just some comfort or support however this person didn't even find me important enough to give me those simplistic FREE things. I was always after everyone on her long list, even when she befriended someone newly I fell far behind this person whom couldn't or didn't ever do anything financially for her probably wasn't even capable of doing any such things which always left me to believe that all she could receive from her was something physical. Even the people she called friends, gave most of her time to were also people who were no where near mentally capable of spelling even basic fourth grade words let alone hold any adult conversation. Yet here is where I stayed angry for over seven months because I was in so many ways the perfect person for her however she never thought the same as I. From creating this fake account I was able to finally realize that some people will never be in the same mind space as to match with their actual biological birth dates, so this also told me that I was wasting every bit of my fucking time...not only on this female but on this fake ass page in which I had created to catch her in yet another one of her weakly formed lies.
So in all this I added that I was suffering from a neurotic episode, I had been living within a lie, a sad tear filled lie, just because I thought that I should stay some where after investing so much time, money, especially money into this relationship. Now I feel that I am a fool, but like most educations in life they cost you something, I paid a lot for what I already knew and that is that people will use you up, spit you out and think nothing of what they've done to you. No matter how much they were also fucked over by someone else, no matter how much they lost in pervious relationships, they don't mind doing it to someone else just because it was done to them. Some people just have no feelings what so ever that's how they know terms like neurotic and psychotic because they have been deemed that before by a mental health professional.

To be continued....

Worst mommy EVER!!!

Fifty Shades of Puke

So I was randomly searching threw unseen posts and pages on facebook. I know we all go blah blah blah blah and bullshit bullshit bullshit over all the changes little Markie is making with his billion, million, or whatever amount it's really worth website, but there are over 400 hundred friends on my list so of course I don't see there posts daily that would be an insane amount of posts to sort threw. So this leads to nights like this when I am hopelessly unable to sleep when I check shit out on the low. Well, I was randomly looking threw my ex's page, yeah that's another blog as to why I'm friends with an ex actually there may be an ex or two in that list, any way, I got to thinking, now this isn't the first time I actually thought this however all of her ex's appear to look like individuals with down syndrome. Now I'm not making fun of the folks cursed with the life of living with such a horrible disorder may God bless them but we all know that they have very distinctive looking features everyone born this way. But I never knew until I saw some of the pictures of my ex's ex's that those born without this can also have those features so now I know that I have learned something in life now as I'm sleepless this leeds me to believe that I MUST have this look too because she was with me  

Any way another thing I learned is that there are several people that are subscribed to my page and I have no idea who the Hell they are. What is this about? Why would perfect strangers and in one or two cases people who are friends of friends want to subscribe to my page? I find that sorta odd and a little creepy. Only two of the people that are subscribed have actually sent me friend requests, one being my father who I refuse to accept the other being some weird red head dude who has nothing in common with me what so ever. Now why they allow this I'll never understand. Also I learned that people you've unfriended can remain subscribed to your public posts, why they would want to read shit you posted after you basically said they weren't good enough to be on your stinking friends list and get the news of your most recent shit or bad hair cut I don't know why they would want to read the scraps that you may or may not tag as public on your their damn feed anyway that's just weird.

Another thing I noticed is people that don't really give a shit about their children. Because I read a lot from some people about their mates, dates, boy/girlfriends but very little about their children. Don't people like their fricking children any more these days? I mean damn it's like where are the pictures? It's not something I notice with a lot of my friends with children it's just a few of them and I wonder a lot of times why that happens. There is something I will never understand about a person that can make a child an not care enough about them to at least think of them from time to time, I mean shit that's what separates us humans from the damn animals. 

Any way why is it that some of the ugliest people post the most pictures of themselves? I mean damn isn't one picture enough to left you know you look like shit an maybe just maybe that one pictures enough for everyone else to get the gist as well. Than as I'm scrolling I come across this picture that one of my lesbian "friends" actually happened to click the "like" button on, it was a picture of a lesbian that had a caption that read; "Dressing fly and getting money is what I do fuck bitches!" In the background of the picture was a bed covered with crap, there was a comforter that had this 1960s old funky couch print on it balled up on the bed, the carpet was filthy and littered with crap, there was an over turned fan laying on the floor, with junk shoved under the bed. Now I wanted so much to reply "Fuck dressing fly and getting money how bout cleaning that nasty ass room before you post pics of your lying ass standing in that filth!" Well, being as though it wasn't a person on MY friends list I just hit the "block" button on the dumb bitch that "liked" the picture, I figured I wouldn't want her as a fake facebook friend or a real life friend with such low standards that she was showing everyone she possessed. 

So all in all my extended time on facebook basically taught me that some people are just fucked up looking, some people are just fucked up living, some people are just fucked up reproducing and some people are just plain ole fucked up. No matter what they are there is someone for them out there, there is some asshole that likes them or loves them. Yet my ass can't get someone to like or love me to save my life!!! What the fuck is the world coming too???? 

Good Night From one misunderstood, unloved female until the next time!!!!

I don't love you....

Why is it that people find it nessary to state the obvious? I mean if you DID love me why would you want to be so hurtful towards me and tell me this? And even if you didn’t why would you state this to a person you openly know loves you…oohh Wait is it because I hurt you? Or is it because you have not filled your quota of people to hurt for the month? I mean why is it that WE have to just walk right up to one another and hurt each other? I mean I am the first to admit that I have a quick sharp tongue and it cuts deep, however when I am beyond pissed off it’s a good idea that you stop pushing me beyond that point. However if you don’t I will say some shit, it’s not even ALL that deep or even ALL the hurtful things that may cross my mind about someone but never the less they are some mean things. I am not good at holding my tongue, but I need to become better at holding back on my feelings, love an the things that I do for people. 

I give I give, I save, I save, because in all actuality when I can do something I think I should do something, because if it were ever me I would want someone to do something for me…but this theory has NEVER worked out for me in all the 37 years of my life the only things I have gotten in return are ” I DON’T LOVE YOU!” or better yet “FUCK YOU” yeah my ex holds the record for ungrateful bitch of all times! But where is the love? Really I mean where is the I LOVE MYSLEF so much that I truly love people who CARE ABOUT ME? Damn there was this once upon a time you “treat others the way you want to be treated” thingie that was usually a rule that your mommas taught you in like pre school or some shit…but now that shits out the window and has been replaced with the “fuck you” or ” I DON’T LOVE YOU” rule. I mean in dating and my more mature relationships there has always been this thing where it’s “yo we’re together so imma make sure you’re alright like I expect you to make sure I’m alright.” What ever happened to that shit? Now it’s like gimmie gimmie take take and oh yeah fuck you by the way ain’t no body tell you to do shit for me I’m grown.

Will I ever find someone that will look out the way I have always been willing to look out? Or will I just end up a bitter bitch talking shit about how I would never do shit for anyone again because my ex or the last so and so did this to me an I am so done being nice? I don’t wanna be done being nice! However it’s draining my soul that on this earth there are no more appreciative ass people out there, that they are no more broken battered but ducked taped and crazy glued together people who are like LOOK I been through Hell and back that was then but this is now and I appreciate a good person in my life!!!!!!!! What the fuck is this world coming to? I mean it’s assholes win or what? I don’t wanna be an asshole, yeah I may fuck up, fall into that realm from time to time but it’s always because I have been pushed there because I am sick of the way shit has been going for me. However maybe that is the time for me to leave…maybe when I am pushed outta character and into an eveil tongue or thought that is the time that I should really pull back, pack it up, roll my ass out! I don’t wanna hear shit like ” I don’t LOVE YOU!” HELL I have a momma and even a daddy that talk to me like I ain’t shit why the HELL do I need someone from outta no where to add to the list of my tormentors? Why do I deal with such suffering and pain from the hands of people who really don’t give a shit about me….that HATE ME ENOUGH TO SAY HURTFUL SHIT LIKE ” I DON’T LOVE YOU!” When am I ever going to find the love I deserve? When am I ever going to stop giving my all to people that HATE me so dearly? When am I ever going to be loved? When will I ever be able to sleep in peace knowing that my daughter and I aren’t some temporary pit stop for some abuser, or user to just roll on out on us? I am tired of tear soaked pillows…nights when I fall asleep actually believing I don’t deserve to be loved.