Why is it that people find it nessary to state the obvious? I mean if you DID love me why would you want to be so hurtful towards me and tell me this? And even if you didn’t why would you state this to a person you openly know loves you…oohh Wait is it because I hurt you? Or is it because you have not filled your quota of people to hurt for the month? I mean why is it that WE have to just walk right up to one another and hurt each other? I mean I am the first to admit that I have a quick sharp tongue and it cuts deep, however when I am beyond pissed off it’s a good idea that you stop pushing me beyond that point. However if you don’t I will say some shit, it’s not even ALL that deep or even ALL the hurtful things that may cross my mind about someone but never the less they are some mean things. I am not good at holding my tongue, but I need to become better at holding back on my feelings, love an the things that I do for people.
I give I give, I save, I save, because in all actuality when I can do something I think I should do something, because if it were ever me I would want someone to do something for me…but this theory has NEVER worked out for me in all the 37 years of my life the only things I have gotten in return are ” I DON’T LOVE YOU!” or better yet “FUCK YOU” yeah my ex holds the record for ungrateful bitch of all times! But where is the love? Really I mean where is the I LOVE MYSLEF so much that I truly love people who CARE ABOUT ME? Damn there was this once upon a time you “treat others the way you want to be treated” thingie that was usually a rule that your mommas taught you in like pre school or some shit…but now that shits out the window and has been replaced with the “fuck you” or ” I DON’T LOVE YOU” rule. I mean in dating and my more mature relationships there has always been this thing where it’s “yo we’re together so imma make sure you’re alright like I expect you to make sure I’m alright.” What ever happened to that shit? Now it’s like gimmie gimmie take take and oh yeah fuck you by the way ain’t no body tell you to do shit for me I’m grown.
Will I ever find someone that will look out the way I have always been willing to look out? Or will I just end up a bitter bitch talking shit about how I would never do shit for anyone again because my ex or the last so and so did this to me an I am so done being nice? I don’t wanna be done being nice! However it’s draining my soul that on this earth there are no more appreciative ass people out there, that they are no more broken battered but ducked taped and crazy glued together people who are like LOOK I been through Hell and back that was then but this is now and I appreciate a good person in my life!!!!!!!! What the fuck is this world coming to? I mean it’s assholes win or what? I don’t wanna be an asshole, yeah I may fuck up, fall into that realm from time to time but it’s always because I have been pushed there because I am sick of the way shit has been going for me. However maybe that is the time for me to leave…maybe when I am pushed outta character and into an eveil tongue or thought that is the time that I should really pull back, pack it up, roll my ass out! I don’t wanna hear shit like ” I don’t LOVE YOU!” HELL I have a momma and even a daddy that talk to me like I ain’t shit why the HELL do I need someone from outta no where to add to the list of my tormentors? Why do I deal with such suffering and pain from the hands of people who really don’t give a shit about me….that HATE ME ENOUGH TO SAY HURTFUL SHIT LIKE ” I DON’T LOVE YOU!” When am I ever going to find the love I deserve? When am I ever going to stop giving my all to people that HATE me so dearly? When am I ever going to be loved? When will I ever be able to sleep in peace knowing that my daughter and I aren’t some temporary pit stop for some abuser, or user to just roll on out on us? I am tired of tear soaked pillows…nights when I fall asleep actually believing I don’t deserve to be loved.
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