Welcome to 2010 my name is FUTURE......

Believe it or not I could barely think ahead when I was a child, even now I barely have the ability to plan years ahead.....blame it on the OCD, the severe depression, or just the fact that life's hard enough living from day to day. A few days ago I awoke to some changes in my life, some grand wonderful changes. I became desperate, I became focused, I became ready to plan for my life ahead. I'm a female 100% despite my wardrobe, my desires or my lifestyle, never felt what it would be like to be a male despite it all UNTIL she said, "I'm pregnant!" I mean sure I wanted this, planned it, talked about it hours on end, love children, want more, desire to build upon my small tribe, however REALity is different than planning........what turns comes out from our plans is what we eventually have to deal with. So here I sit with this news weighing on me like a shit load of bricks, she's pregnant!?! Emotions waled against me from inside as well as out....questions answered and those yet to be asked filled my head. That day I meant someone named FUTURE. Future had no describable height, even though I can say I was looking up at it, the size and shape are also difficult to describe. However it spoke to me clearly; Future said to me "You must come to me whether your ready or not, you do understand this don't you?" I answered "Yes, I know this." Future spoke back rather harshly in tone this time, "Why have you been so reluctant to accept that fact in the past?" The sound of thunder seemed to come out of no where, clear skies, were above my head as a peeked beyond the shoulder of Future. Again Future spoke, "You've been busy looking at my sister to even cast your sites on me." Your...sis-sister?? I found this confusing not knowing who the sister of Future was or even the thought that I had been looking at her. Future pointed behind my back, saying she's always back their her name is Past some give her nick names, but always speak of her often instead of me. You see she's much more popular than I am because many people like to live in her instead of me. Future's tone had softened a bit and I was able to connect with Future, thinking of my sister's but things into perspective. Future said "You're on the right track but I am not jealous of my sister I just wish people would accept me into their lives to make things easier on themselves."

So Future asked me why I had finally started to pay em' any attention, I than spoke of my soon to be arriving baby, and all the preparations I had made for this child, which were all finally right here. Future snapped at me "SEE you've planned half assed and now you're behind the eight ball, a life is coming your way what are you plans beyond this baby?" I looked at Future, jumped to my feet, started to plan that moment that day and have yet to stop......I have admired Past for oh so long but the time has come to an end, for just a few days ago I made a new friend Future's the name...and our fun has just begin!!!

To Be CONT'D..............

Still so ignorant our Black society is Mr. James Baldwin..oh so so so sad sad sad sad sad our people our people have learned nothing....

"he wanted black people to see what black people did to black people;White man couldn't touch us if we'd just learn to love each other!"

James A. Baldwin

Thank You @Majikmind

@R_E_A_L_1 Mans inhumanity to man...It's a universal beef! Be the change you wish to see in the world..that's all you can do.

Earlier this week on twitter I ran into something that was a bit interesting to me as always I find on social networks that people aren't concerned with much more than 80% fuckery. However in that other 20% you can find out if someone is real or not and I found out quite a lot about a few people I had started following because of my ex. I was often wondering why my ex would log off of twitter pissed off, confused & upset after following two of her people I quickly figured that shit out. A man who calls himself Tazz Daddy on twitter also known as Tazz Anderson on facebook whom considers himself some kind of a "provocative and entertaining" radio host or tv director whatever!! While many people on twitter were mourning the death of Brittney Murphy by simply posting #RIP or just stating their favorite movies in which she stared in. Murphy only 32 died unexpectedly in her home on Sunday December 20th 2009. Tazz Daddy posts this comment on his twitter page; TazzDaddy

While you coons and buffoons mourn Brittany Murphy, I'm mourning Sean Bell & others like him who truly deserve attention

Back in November 25th of 2006 Sean Bell a 23 year old man out celebrating his batchlor party and was set to be wed. Sean was shot and killed in a hail of 50 shots fired by five or so police officers in NYC. However this case has so many other difficult issues, there is drinking involved, an altercation at the bar between Bell's friends and some others, there were also plain clothed officers that over heard talk of a gun. There is no denying that the police officers across the country probably always target minorities for crimes. However you look at your community and tell me what you see? Drive around my suburban community and see what I see every day and than you tell me what you would think afterwards this blog in not addressing that at this time.

Tazz later goes on to comment on how "Black people don't even know what's going on in their own communities!" This to me is amazing someone with a website, a twitter page, a facebook account and probably even a myspace account as well. You have all the places in the world to inform "THE BLACK COMMUNITY" about what is going on. However an actress dying December 20th 2009 and a young Black male being murdered by police officers in NYC back in November of 2006 aren't really relevant issues better yet aren't reasons to label anyone a "COON" or a "BUFFOON" which Tazz Daddy claims he was not directing towards "BLACK PEOPLE BECAUSE HE LOVES HIS PEOPLE." Clearly I have often been confronted with the self hatred that Blacks have for one another, clearly I see that even I have written about those who want to be known as "NIGGERS" instead of Black people. However when is it that people are going to realize that being BLACK isn't just ALL we should be concerned about we are people first, we are people that should have compassion for one another Black, White or other. When I tweeted a response to Mr. Tazz Daddy to use his platform to stand on and teach those who don't know or didn't know of things taking place within the Black community, Tazz replies that I do not know what type of platform he has and he quickly directs me to unfollow him on twitter which I didn't need to be told I had already done so. Along with this conversation with Tazz Daddy a almost forty year old woman, mother to three children whom had nothing to do with the situation began tweeting to me. She was rude, crude, uneducated and clearly had no idea what the hell she was speaking of but this made me think of the sadness of our "BLACK COMMUNITY." I mean here is a woman almost forty arguing being what I continued to call disrespectful yet, she had a children, a home and other things to attend to. This would not be so sad if this woman had not just had previous "twitter arguments" with other individuals that actually turned into calls, threats of violence an even more. This is the structure in which we our building our community? I mean mothers almost forty with children in grade school, dropping out of college among other situations having twitter wars with one another? Tazz Daddy directed a very negative, nasty comment at people who were just clearly being decent human beings. The real "coons and buffoons" are those who argue on twitter, who dog out their own people for NOT being racist or hateful against White people, who call tweet disrespectful things about a woman who just died because of the types of roles she has played as Tazz had also done. When our Blacks going to open their eyes and see that the ones to be angry with are those that aren't growing up, those that aren't educated enough to see that WE as a people need more help than hurt from one another. The main thing that always keeps me laughing that is before twitter I've NEVER HEARD OF THESE PEOPLE, and I doubt that much further beyond twitter will I hear more of them ever again. Yes twitter is for entertainment, however remembering to be human, decent and respectful should always be at the front of our minds.

Now by all meaning of the word Buffoon Tazz Daddy appears to be the only person whom actually seems to fit into the definition of this word. Continue to shuck and jive for the man maybe one day calling your people names may even get you to where you want to be......By the way this is the definition of the word Buffoon; buf·foon (b-fn)

n.

1. A clown; a jester: a court buffoon.

2. A person given to clowning and joking.

3. A ludicrous or bumbling person; a fool.

Sick of BS REAL comes to life!

What I really can't stand are people that are FUCKING MEAN!!! I'm talking people who are fucking mean like just fucking un-HUMANLY mean...people who have no right to be mean. It's always the person that NEVER has their shit together that's always judgemental, ignorant and usually DEAD WRONG! People that make other's cry, or second think themselves but yet are horrible examples of what a good, deceit person's life should look like. Even if you've got your shit together who makes you judge over anyone, however where are these people that actually do have their lives together? .......I'll wait for you to think of someone.......still waiting.......okay I give up cause you know this person does NOT exist. These people walk over people as if they've got all the friends in life that they'll ever need, speak of the Lord yet don't read the bible, or only quote the "popular" verses of the bible. These people think that they've invented life an no one has the right to live among them without their approval. I'm just so sick of these people that are of and from the world that know nothing about love, the roots or definition of love for someone else..as we're told to love one another! Why or Why Lord can't I find anyone like ME???? Someone who has fears and can honestly TALK about them, someone that would rather laugh than cry, someone that loves children, someone the reads books about philosophy, someone that's always trying to make themselves better, someone that doesn't think it's crazy to be kind, someone that understands that I love toys and collect them as if there pieces of rare art work, some that wants to cuddle yet doesn't force you to when you don't want to, someone that loves beautiful things like the out doors, trees, grass, lakes or rivers, someone that has compassion, someone that writes well, someone that has a working vocabulary but doesn't mind to talk like a ghetto head just for the entertainment, someone that doesn't get mad because I talk a lot and often converse with strangers, someone that doesn't mind living in a quite place with, someone that is just REAL at every waking moment and doesn't think that being real means being mean to someone......uughhhhh I'm drained and I know that I'll live my life alone and I'm willing to accept that. That is at their loss.........thank those assholes that ruined things.
My biggest big big big one are people that are ugly inside as well as out who have nasty attitudes as if they could have their pick of anyone out there. I mean do these people not look into a mirror with working eyes? These people usually talk about others, dress in expensive clothing however don't dress well, usually gossip, are party heads, usually claim to have so many friends but don't really have a true friend who'd wipe their ass if they no longer could. Uughhh I'm even to pissed off to continue this one......to be finished at another time........

Back to my cave......

When it's time to roll out and fold up, you have to just know when the right time is....and now RIGHT now in my life the time has come. I need to get back to me to my roots, to cater to my soul. For so long, woman have been the root of my desire and the root of much of my trouble or pain. We all need at times to refocus ourselves, anytime things start to be UN-happy for you....than time has come to fold it up!!

I have been in probably to many relationships, my mom once told me something like that. I have NEVER had a problem meeting people, having people like me or want me in any way shape or form. Whether it be when I was dreadfully dealing with males and thinking something was wrong with me because I was not thrilled or happy or even feeling like myself when I was dealing with a male. However I had no shortages of them, nor was I ever alone when I didn't want to be alone, never have I been sitting some where figuring out who to call when I was in need of company. The same has always been true for dealing with females. At times I have wanted to be without their attention. Nor can I remember ever crushing on anyone especially outside of elementary or high school. SO I am sure that anyone that reads my thoughts on a regular can understand that I am treading in an area in which I have no idea what I am doing. It has been a crazy few days but I am back on track again.

I am going to go back to the love of my life and stay there. I am sick of feeling the feelings I do, I need to work on having concerns for people or things that have no need taking up my time. Feelings that I wish I could just rip outta my brain have been like in the forefront of my mind an I'm truly tiring from this shit.

No one cares for the person inside of me BUT me...I often imagine what people would think, feel or say about me while I'm on my back in that coffin. And I've always thought that I would be missed or remembered for my loving, caring heart soul .......BULLSHIT!!! People rarely remember the nice ones....in life we're known to finish last so wondering how the hell the nice guy can actually come out on top....doesn't seem possible. Time to go back to my cave to regroup to recover to remind me of the true love in my life...GOD! I need to take so much time to give thanks than place my tears in the hand of the master. At least I know that my pain in going into the hands of the one that really cares about the nice guy for a change.

It called Crush because that's what happens to your heart...

We've all been there one time or another, some maybe more than others...it's called a crush. I mean throughout the centuries someone has adored someone else. I mean hell how do relationships start, these are the things that marriages are built on, babies on born as a result of, this is what makes life go round. Right? WRONG!!! Crushes are the worst feelings of all to have, there bullshit! I mean come on does the word even sound appealing to you? Crush, Cr-ush....I mean it doesn't even roll off the tongue as a remotely happy sounding word, so how the hell can this be a good thing? Well that's cause it isn't! It's the worst thing to be going through if you're the one with the crush on someone else!! I mean come on your full of some okay feelings I mean yeah their half assed good feelings...like fluttering in your chest, weakening in your knees, glee in your heart, maybe even elation at the thought of this someone. But really unless your the crush-ee not the crush-er your not on the good end. I mean the odds are stacked totally against you. The people who know that your feeling them are at the greatest advantage and trust me their going to let you feel it and know it every step of the way. Webster's defines crush in five different ways none of them sounding to me as "happy" or good things;
1 a : to squeeze or force by pressure so as to alter or destroy structure b : to squeeze together into a mass
2 : hug , embrace
3 : to reduce to particles by pounding or grinding
4 a : to suppress or overwhelm as if by pressure or weight b : to oppress or burden grievously c : to subdue completely
5 : crowd , push

Now with the exception of #2 many of these don't sound to great. You know why? Well I'm going to tell you these are usually the things that happen to your heart when you have a crush on someone. Come on, seriously now a days and even in the past people don't have a "crush" on someone than end up with that person. That's some complete and utter bullshit! People pick someone for their ass, or how much money they have, how pretty their face is, how sexy their body may be, or maybe what their position in life may be. Than they ask them out, and date them than maybe even than they don't click or even like the person. However for what ever superficial reason they still may give it another shot, than they may eventually develop feelings for the person or they're a complete asshole and they move onto the next victim.
When you've got a crush on someone your coming to them vulnerable with your hat in your hand asking them to consider you because you've already started feeling for them. Now a crush that's worth any bit of the title would be a situation where the crush-er not only likes what they've seen but some other aspect of the person's personality. Because if it were purely based on looks or appearances it's than entitled "infatuation" not CRUSH. You're even more likely to be luckier if your infatuated with someone than if you've got an old fashioned crush. You're looked at as weird or freaky when you've got a crush and you actually tell the person NNOOOOOO!! That's the worst thing you could ever do, people never understand why you'd like them and than you've left yourself with not only a crushed heart but their entire ass to kiss if you ever try to remain their friend. You'll forever be that creepy loser that likes me, every time you call or come around. Love, relationships are cruel things, they all eventually bring you to your knees maybe what God truly intended which is why there the way they are.
Blessed are those that stand alone for they aren't truly alone but have God beside them....maybe I should get my head outta my ass and get on my knees where I belong!!!

Not as good as I used to be.......

Look At Me

Here I am, no where near you further away than I care to be,

more than anything I desire to be seen by only you.

I try to place myself in your life with hope of becoming a fixture,

more than anything ever I want for you to look at me.

Awaking in the night with dreams of you fresh on my mind,

they plague me even preoccupying my waking time.

The thoughts of you and the pain you've been through,

push me to the point of showing you, you're a rare find.

Within me there are wonders of all kinds, a golden heart,

a sweet smile, a kind soul, a lovable personality.

A future filled with happiness, dedication, tenderness and romance.

Unclaimed these things remain cause you won't even look at me.

....Used to be a writer....

I remember when I was younger I loved writing, I would sell reports to kids at my high school for only ten bucks a piece. They never got anything lower than a B, or B- if that low. Well now a days they don't even use grades any more or that is at least what my daughter's fourth grade teacher is telling me. Grades have been replaced now with things like proficient, and need improvement some jazz like that. So much has changed, as life rolls onward. Any way I used to make up and write short stories and fantasy stories about all kinds of things. But my favorite was poetry, I hated to read it but loved to write it, once a teacher of mine entered one of my poems in some local news papers writing contest. She had told me only after she had done so, she also told me that I had won the contest, I was young and really honestly didn't care much for this English teacher. Her words went in one ear and quickly out the other. It was years before I ever really cared about what she had said. So much time had passed and my life had been filled with so many disappointments and failures, that this information had become important to me. Something I had also done was written a poem that was published in a book of poems, this too was something I didn't even care about until later in life. Sometimes I sit with pen in hand or fingers over the keyboard and try so hard to write poems, poems like the ones I had written that people thought were so beautiful. I guess at the time I was just letting out some of the emotions I had never expressed as a child, for me it was nothing but for others they were a source of beauty or enjoyment. Now I wish I could look at some of those works to use them to reflect on what was going on at the time, or to even show my own child. It's just the same for my drawing, I'd draw such funny things yet never kept a collection for myself, even now I usually mail them off inside of letters to my best friend Kenny in Federal prison or my soldier that I adopted. I feel like they would give them greater joy because of the places in which they have to deal with at this time in their lives. My older sister Nicole helped make a book to place my drawings in, we used about half a ream of paper and we took it to Kinko's where she used to work and they placed two cardboard covers on it, than bound it with this spiral thing to make it into a large sketch book like. Even with that I barley draw in it, I usually opt for a single piece of paper and pencil, than later mail it off.

I want to be able to go back to writing for pleasure, or even drawing to collect for myself. Maybe paint myself of picture and hang it up for others to see, admire the fact that I do have a God given talent besides being a person that just gives gives gives and takes care of others. I would love to be known for much more than just that. I want people to see the beauty that I see inside my head when I put wonderful words together, but they just don't seem to come out right. The thoughts just don't translate to words, paper or screens the way they do in my head. Somethings just not clicking the way it should! I mean writing is my first love, I broke my cherry at like nine years old with a type writer, an a little story named "Pickled Pink". It brings laughter to my heart just thinking about that little twenty five or thirty paged story in which I put together in my mind, it just flowed out my finger tips like life water flowing from a water fall. Where is that desire, passion, drive, skill and beauty that I used to possess?