. . . . You know what FUCK ALL OF YALL!!! The world shouldn't have to put up with you I mean yeah I ain't talking about getting drunk while @ the club and going home and sleeping it off!! Naw I am talking about those who wanna get drunk just cause the day of the week ends in day! I mean getting drunk just cause you woke up this morning and wanted to get drunk, or getting drunk driving and killing a entire family. FUCK YOU!!! I wish there was a place where you drunk could go and never come back fuck you, no one needs to put up with your shit, no one needs to be put in danger because you want to drive while fucked up, GO TO HELL!! I mean no I don't wanna be up all night cause you getting drunk every day, staying up all night I am starting to HATE drunk fuckers I swear, a drunk ruined my childhood and now she's trying to fuck over my adult life making me want to move far far away I swear I can't do it any longer I just can not!
“I believe in everything until it's disproved. So I believe in fairies, the myths, dragons. It all exists, even if it's in your mind. Who's to say that dreams and nightmares aren't as real as the here and now?” ― John Lennon
Monday, February 22, 2010
Drunk people, assholes, shitty parents, liars. . . . .
. . . . You know what FUCK ALL OF YALL!!! The world shouldn't have to put up with you I mean yeah I ain't talking about getting drunk while @ the club and going home and sleeping it off!! Naw I am talking about those who wanna get drunk just cause the day of the week ends in day! I mean getting drunk just cause you woke up this morning and wanted to get drunk, or getting drunk driving and killing a entire family. FUCK YOU!!! I wish there was a place where you drunk could go and never come back fuck you, no one needs to put up with your shit, no one needs to be put in danger because you want to drive while fucked up, GO TO HELL!! I mean no I don't wanna be up all night cause you getting drunk every day, staying up all night I am starting to HATE drunk fuckers I swear, a drunk ruined my childhood and now she's trying to fuck over my adult life making me want to move far far away I swear I can't do it any longer I just can not!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Alone even in a crowd . . . . . .
. . . how the hell does this happen? I mean not saying that I'm always surrounded by people, but I am rarely alone yet when it comes to my feelings I am all alone. My wants and desirers are mine and mine alone, I have no partner, no significant other sharing my dreams with me, as a matter of fact the people I want don't even want me back. Those that I thought I had something in common with turned out to be crazed liars, or just up, down and turned around in their own lives like "her". I wanted so much for my life, children (more than one), love, laughter, happiness, family, closeness, growth (together), someone who would at least like something that I like. I mean out of all the things I love in this life just one thing in common with me, maybe painting, drawing, collecting, books, writing, blogging, pictures, outdoors, hugging, children, something!! I mean damn it!! I am turning thirty-five in less than two days without having a second child, without having a love interest in my life, without owning my own home, without publishing my first novel, without anyone to share my inner most feelings with besides my fucking therapist. I mean I know this probably happens to people everyday in life, they aren't living the life in which they had once desired. But this is me, this is my time, this is my time to beat the hell outta myself for not finding a path that worked for me and sticking to it. I haven't completed the things that I wanted, I haven't gotten what my hearts desires. As long as I live I know that there is always time to complete many of these tasks, however sometimes it just comes down to giving up on somethings that aren't in your plan.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
February 18, 1975 (reposted from my tumblr account)
She was potty trained, transitioned from bottle to sippy cup, her sister whom walked before crawling was taught to crawl by this care taker. Her parents rented out a small apartment in the Willow Grove area, the average Monthly Rent was $200.00. The baby girl’s maternal grandfather was a hustler and dwelt in illegal events, many which had to do with the car dealership in which is was employed. He arranged for her mother to obtain a new vehicle for a small price. In 1975 the cost of a gallon of Gas was 44 cents, while the average cost of a new car was $4,250.00, a fraction of what the baby girl’s parents paid for their new vehicle.
During this time there was many things taking place in the world, soon to be recorded in history such as in the UK The British Conservative Party chooses it’s first women leader, Margaret Thatcher. In Vietnam the war ends as Communist forces take Saigon and South Vietnam surrenders unconditionally. While in the United States, New York City avoids bankruptcy when President Gerald R. Ford signed a $2.3 billion loan, also the US Pulls out of Cambodia. While the unemployment rate in the US reaches 9.2% and recession is recognized by President Ford. There was also, the first ever strike by Doctors in the US, which caused hospitals to reduce services. Jimmy Hoffa ex teamsters boss disappears never to be seen again, Patti Hearst becomes most wanted and is arrested for armed robbery. Meanwhile the United States moves along within the field of technology, Bill Gates and Paul Allen develop a BASIC program for the Altair 8800, The name “Micro-soft” (for microcomputer software) and Microsoft becomes a registered trademark. BIC launches first disposable Razor. Sony introduces Betamax videotapes and Matsushita / JVC introduces VHS. Cray-1, the first commercially developed supercomputer, invented by Seymour Cray.
Back to the birth of this baby girl, years pass by her parents hustle a bit to get things they wanted or needed. Her mother is arrested for dragging an Abington police officer during a routine traffic stop in which this baby girl bites the hand of the police officer as he’s hanging onto her mother’s automobile. Her mother is arrested and serves sometime in a correctional facility, something the girl briefly remembers only in bits an pieces that appear as if they were a dream to her.
A few years later her mother moves away from her father as she grew weary of the physical fighting. This girl is no longer a baby her mother settles into a quite neighborhood in Philadelphia where the young girl started to attend elementary school. Around this time the girl’s mother meets a man, she begins what turns out to be a twenty-five year long relationship. This new man, introduces the girl’s mother to alcohol, cocaine and marijuana. The girl’s mother becomes careless, abusive, mentally as well as verbally. The mother begins to beat her two daughters until she passes out or they are beat to the point of being severely injured. The man her mother is dating is married, unemployed and sells narcotics in order to make a living for his wife, children, and what money he contributed to his “girlfriends on the side”, and their children. The man uses large amounts of cocaine, he abuses the girl’s mother between there loud sexual get episodes. The girl visits her father on some weekends, during this time her father was living off of his father, who was a string proud grandfather, a former First African American police officer of the Abington, PA police force and former Tuskeegee airman and Corporal. This young girl’s father was also unemployed and sold drugs to feed his own drug habits as well, without providing any type of support for the many children in which he had fathered over the many years, including the ONLY two children that he saw on a regular basis.
Over the next twenty-five years the girl grows into adulthood, without much formal lessons about life from her mother nor father. The abuse continued the entire time, the many men came and went from her mother’s life with the one remaining the same off and on throughout the years. Her mother’s drinking gets worse causing her mother to be raped, robbed, crashes into a front wall of a hospital nearly killing herself, breaks limbs, is beaten in a bar attack, suspended from her job and sent to rehab two times, one for coming to work drunk, she totals several cars, moves herself and children to many different places within the city, has sex with a man while her two daughters are in the bed with her, rapes her sister along with her sister’s boyfriend while her two children are in the home listening, crying, and scared.
In the year 2010 the baby girl who has turned into a woman prepares to turn thirty-five years old. Having become a mother herself, a non drinker/drug user, single lesbian, formerly in three abusive relationships, always ending up in relationships with self centered, abusive mentally/physically, always giving, rarely receiving, soft spoken, clinically depressed, with a powerful uncontrollable anger streak. Who would give freely of herself with pride and joy. Talks a little to much to strangers, has given money to people she’s never known, bought things for people who barely know her, loves with all her heart, cries upon hearing of someone in pain, need, or illness. She works hard, is underpaid, rarely appreciated for what she does over and beyond what’s asked of her, still plays with toys by herself, read/collects comic books, was only truly in love once which didn’t work out pushed her to the brink of insanity. Paints pictures no one sees, draws cartoons that no one reads, smiles while no one watches, sits in silence watching others while they complain of nothing, hates liars/lies, is always turned off by unappreciative people, often has crushes on people that don’t want her, goes to sleep feeling like the day was wasted, awakes with the sign of the cross and thanks God every morning. Is afraid of heights, small places and dying alone. Cares not what people think of her, because she has come a long way, and in four days she’ll celebrate her birthday which will go on without much fanfare and probably forgotten by the people that brought her into this world!!!
Happy Birthday baby girl, I love you!!!
Monday, February 8, 2010
A Blog for Becky Boucher
Yeah, we grow up, we forgive, we move on, but damn we lost out on an amazing time in our lives. As I sit here I think about a little girl that went to school with my daughter, my daughter and I had been praying for this girl that attended school with her. Her name was Becky Boucher, she was in the fifth grade only ten years old, suffering from bone cancer. Despite two and a half years of treatment and millions of prayers Becky died this past weekend on Saturday the 6th. Today I cried for Becky, I cried for a life lost, a family broken, a mother mourning her baby girl. Becky had a short childhood filled with friends, fun and love yet she was battling a big disease. She was a brave child and thinking of her made me hold my own daughter tighter today, made me kiss her face, made me sit an stare at her. Life is so fragile, people are so forgetful about that fragility of life. Reading of Becky's struggle made me spread the word to people, not only to pray for Becky but to love someone the right way. Cherish them, tell them their loved, hold them, talk to them in a kinder way, and be thankful for the time you have with them. I thank Becky and her family for sharing their lives, their struggle, and their story with others to help us to appreciate everyone around us, and to get to know about those dealing with issues of death daily.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Until my last breath. . . . . . . .
I will be a person living. . . . . . . . I remember watching the MTV show 'REAL WORLD' and there was actually a season that I tried to be on the show, it was the San Francisco season. They actually picked an openly gay male that was HIV positive named Pedro Zamora that season. I was not picked of course being as the 'REAL WORLD' never has any fat people on any season after what like 19 years? FUCK MTV!!!